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Humans are animals. Really, we're primates. We're monkeys. And, like monkeys, humans just can't stop masturbating. So some Redditors bravely posted their stories of sex-for-one that went painfully (and/or hilariously) awry. Yes, like that guy who had sex with a pie in American Pie, but way, way worse.

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Oh, and obviously, the stories in this post are very NSFW.

1. Honeydew is the melon that everybody hates. Well, everybody except myfirstthrowaway9183.

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got high and fucked a honeydew melon, i was 15. proceeded to cut the part i came in off and eat the rest of the melon because i was high and had the munchies. I remember in my head saying "its like cheese just cut the mold off"

2. The tingle means it's working, The PsychicDefective.

One time in the shower, 13 yr old me thought it would be a good idea to stuff my limp dick into the slippery and tight neck of a shampoo bottle.

Well it felt good for about 3 seconds, Then the hard plastic rim of the shampoo bottle didn't give despite my flesh expanding.

In panic and shame I stood in the shower, paralyzed by indecision and fear, until the hot water ran out and cold water freed me from the stalwart grip of the plastic horror.

Also the soap burned my pee hole.

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3. Knees weak, arms are heavy. That's not vomit on this guy's sweater. Cooked spaghetti?

I once fucked a jar of cooked spaghetti. Probably that.

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4. Should've dipped it in the blue cheese dressing, -eDgAR-.

I had just finished and was about to clean up so I reached for a napkin on my desk. Turns out it was the one I used earlier to wipe my mouth after eating hot wings, but it was dark so I couldn't tell. My penis burned for like the next half-hour.

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5. And because you're going to ask, no, thebachmann didn't "finish."

My grandpa was in the hospital with a brain tumor. We had visited him that day, but he didn't have much time left. I was maybe 17 or 18 years old, and *after we got home at 1 am I did what every teen does and whipped it out. Now I'm sitting on my bed, hoping to bust it into the trashcan, when I hear my dads door open across the hall. I jump underneath my comforter, hoping to cover myself up before he gets to my room, I can hear his footsteps coming at faster than normal speeds.

I was on my side in "fake sleep" position when my dad opens the door, his face covered in tears. His voice breaks and he says "he's gone." He walks over to me and just hugs me tight, meanwhile my deflating dong is (thank God still covered by thick Egyptian cotton comforter) but right between us. After about a full 2 minute hug, he let's me go and leaves to tell my brother.

I have never felt more remorse for a simple wank than at that moment. May God have mercy on my soul.

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6. User hashtag_clayton is either really good or really bad at masturbating.

There was an earthquake and I legit had no idea because I was masturbating so couldn't tell the room was shaking

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7. Doctor: "It's full of bees?" Jonesy852: "No, beads." Doctor: "Oh, that's arguably worse."

Jacked off with hand soap that had tiny little beads in it. Not sure if the beads caused it or something in the soap, but the day after, my dick looked like it belonged in a burn ward. It was horrible; blood-red in most spots and pink in the other. I could pee fine but the slightest touch would cause my body to tense up because it was so tender. I could barely walk and I was young and too embarrased to tell my mom. After a few days of hiding and dealing with horrible pain and having a dick that looked like it belonged to Freddy Krueger, my dick literally began to molt. My dick was COVERED in dry, cracked skin that peeled off in huge chunks (like a really bad sunburn). It took a week or two to finally get better and, luckily, I didn't have any lasting cosmetic damage.

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8. Classic Next-Door Nancy, ay, dude?

When my nosy Nancy neighbor helped herself inside my house and up the stairs to my bedroom and found me half naked masturbating with a vacuum (lol) I think I was like 13 (f) or 14 and left the front door unlocked. She said I wasn't answering calls (family friend at the time) so she came over... it still doesn't add up to this day. Then she sat down next to me after I put on pants about how masturbation is perfectly healthy. :/

9. Careful, NoOneReadsMyUsername: you'll grow hair on your palms, go blind, and burn the house down.

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Intoxicated, half asleep, threw my blanket off and went at it. Woke up to the smell of what I thought was melting plastic. Blanket was on bedside metal desk lamp just burning away. Turns out those awful comforters that come in a dorm pack melt instead of catching fire, which is apparently life saving for me.

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10. Careful, nyaatalie: you'll grow hair on your palms, go blind, and destroy the house.

I was home alone and wanted to take advantage of this rare opportunity to enjoy masturbating without having to worry about stifling my pleasure. Right after I finish, I hear a HUGE crash from downstairs. I pulled my pants on and ran down to see that the ceiling had collapsed.

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11. Now R. Kelly, performer of its soundtrack hit "I Believe I Can Fly," isn't the only weird sex person associated with Space Jam, thanks to HonoredPeoples.

When I was 13, my older brother bought me a pocket pussy because he was a cool guy.

So, I still had a Space Jam pillowcase at the time. This Space Jam pillowcase as a matter of fact.

And it just so happened that I thought Lola bunny was fucking smokin. So, I'd fold the pillow around the pocket pussy and pretend like I was plowing Lola bunny.

One day, and I don't know why, I flipped it to the other side. And I thought about fucking the Orange Monstar.

I stuck with that side of the pillow for the next five years.

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12. SirIggy's headphones? Beats. (GET IT??????)

I was watching porn at 1 am at night. Because there is no better time. Now, my earbuds aren't too hot, so while I was listening to the porn, somewhere down the line (or even from the beginning, I can't even say) my headphone jack unplugged. And I was half-deaf, in the dark, blasting porn, so my sister and brother-in-law could hear from our paper-thin walls. Next morning, brother-in-law looks at me, and says "Facebook?" I reply "yes". Because there's no better way to slither out of such an awkward situation. Oh and this was yesterday. And I need to find my own place.

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13. Best mom ever, Trumanandhuman!

I was sitting in my room masturbating with my eyes closed and a headset on. After I finish there's a plate with hot chocolate and toast in front of me. My mom must have walked into my room and placed them there.

14. It's not impossible to finish that way, Swiss_Army_Cheese. It's not probable, but it is possible.

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One time I dreamt that I was wanking, yet I couldn't cum. When I woke up my hand was jerking up and down with one of my rolls of fat.

15. Ah, bracing, right Splodgerydoo?

This was shortly after I discovered masturbation. Still learning the ropes so to speak and trying to find unique ways to do it.

I was having a shower when I suddenly felt the urge to have a go so I did. I hadn't tried doing it with some sort of lubricant and shit felt absolutely amazing. Decide to keep going using what I thought was shampoo.

It was aftershave.

My dick felt like the 7th ring of hell for a solid half hour

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16. If you're going to the drugstore, pick up some lube and Visine for TsugaruMJS.

During the summers of my high school years I would be home alone most of the day and not walking distance from any of my friends, which meant fapfapfap all day.

I would lay on this two-cushion loveseat sometimes and just do it. The TV was usually on all day even if I wasn't watching, but we had no cable so just PBS and Springer.

One day while watching Arthur, I ejaculated with extraordinary force directly into my right eye. Ouchie.

Of course I told one of my friends and everyone knew within days. We are full-fledged adults now and it still comes up. Awkward wedding reception conversations.

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17. Life's a beach, then komodokid died… of embarrassment.

13 yrs old in a beach town on the Mozambican coast, middle of nowhere. No tourists, not a soul, just miles of beach. I walk 30 mins down the shore for some alone time, climb up a sand dune and sit down to start my business facing the epic horizon.

5 mins in I hear someone snigger behind me.

About 30 people from the local village, mostly teens but also women and kids, are standing in a group just staring at me. All burst into peals of laughter when they see my face. I just bolt, trying to outrun the shame, but the village kids are running alongside up on the dunes, and they have no trouble keeping pace, just pissing themselves laughing and doing wank gestures.

Always check your surroundings.

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18. This story from Heavy_Cheese_Gunner has two happy endings.

I was 14. I was in the throes of adolescent horniness. However, I could not find the key to my locked porno box. I desperately scanned my bedroom for anything resembling a boob. Then I remembered Smash Brothers Brawl and Zero Suit Samus.

I booted up my Wii and began torque-testing the crankshaft. Just as I'm about to finish, my dad walks in and asks if I want to order pizza for dinner. Eye contact was made. I'm at the point of no return, though, so I spooge all over the Wiimote. He just kind of slowly closed the door.

Still got pizza, though.

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