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As if talking about sex weren't awkward enough, a new survey reveals what men and women dislike most about the opposite sex in bed. The poll, held by Australian jewelry company Forktip, hit up 5,000 heterosexual adults and asked them about the things they found most annoying with their partner(s) in bed. Get ready to not be surprised.

According to the results, the things women like least about male sexual partners are the following:

1. "Weird noises" — Fair enough, but it's pretty hard to define "weird." Crying, yelling "mom" or honking like a goose are probably out.

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2. "Penis too small" — Ouch. That's got to sting for some men. I guess for some ladies the size of the boat does matter as much as the motion of the ocean.

3. "Ejaculates too quickly" — That can be truly frustrating, but thankfully can usually be improved through a lot of work (more sex).

4. "Changes position too frequently" — All right, dudes, just stay still a little longer. Women apparently are sick of you flipping them over or whatever just as they're getting into a position.

The things men found most annoying in women are completely different:

1. "Too loose" — It's completely unclear what "loose" means in this content. Like, the vagina is big, or the woman is considered "promiscuous" because she's had more partners than the man thinks she should have?

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2. "Makes too much noise" — Women, you're expressing your satisfaction much too heartily. True, you might be doing it just to convince the man that he is doing a good job (men need so much reassurance), but try to keep it down. This isn't the diner scene in When Harry Met Sally, after all.

3. "Breasts too small' — OH WELL. Maybe the man could start bringing stress balls to bed and just use those for extra squeezing.

4. "Lack of booty" — Okay, true, women did apparently complain about men's small penises, but so far men have complained about the size of a woman's vagina (presumably), as well as the size of her boobs and her ass. ANYTHING ELSE, men? Big feet? Fat fingers? Small ears?

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The survey didn't just cover mistakes in sex (as if having a small penis or ass is a "mistake"), it also asked the participants about the times they least feel like having sex.

The top three answers were when they'd just visited family, when they're hungover, or when they're hungry. So it sounds like the holidays are pretty much out.

Sources: h/t Indy100