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Try as you may, but nothing you ever make in your kitchen is going to look as good as it did on that cooking show. Well, pornos are the food shows of sex, in that they're both highly produced and incredibly unrealistic. In one hilarious Reddit thread, people took turns listing the many, many things that happen in real sex that (for better and for worse) you would never see in porn.

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1. Saaquin could invent a whole new niche called "polite porn."

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"You wanna change positions?"

"No, I'm ok here."

2. _DrFeltersnatch points out that pornos can be, quite ironically, less dirty than real life sex. In which dirty means "messy."

When the guy finishes inside the girl, in movies he just rolls off, lays there, and falls asleep. She lays there and does the same, or rolls to her side and faces him and smiles.

They don't account for the stream of cum dripping out of her, or his sticky dick making the sheets all nasty. Apparently they're just going to sleep in that mess.

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3. Everyone in pornos is saying how hot the other person is, which Careb notes is extremely inaccurate.

People being cold, so all you see is two bobble heads poking out of a mound of blankets.

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4. While the situation that drewyz describes is an extremely common occurrence, it would be sick and wrong if it happened in a porno.

Once I was bangin the wife missionary style under a blanket when my 4 year old daughter burst in the room. We stopped and my wife looked up in horror as my daughter climbed on my back and whooped in joy, as she kicked in her heels and acted like she was riding a horse.

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5. Do you ever feel like dropitonhishead? Like you're just kind of…drifting?

Also, "drifting," i.e the correction of it: during missionary hetero sex, when you have to take a moment to reposition yourselves farther "south" on the bed, because the lady's head keeps creeping closer and closer to the wall/headboard and it's gonna bonk into it if you don't re-situate.

6. User tank3467 wonders why nobody in porn makes a huddle in the cuddle puddle.

The wet spot on the sheets. Why is it always on my side of the bed? I swear we could have sex on the washing machine and when I get into bed there will be a wet spot on my side.

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7. But this one from sliceofwonderbread is probably a subgenre of porn called "golfing" or something.

Guy trying to put his dick in and can't immediately find the hole.

8. User nmarano1030 would like it if pornos depicted the ups and downs of sex.

When your partner is riding your penis and they go up a bit too high and you come out and they go back down on it on a bad angle. OUCH!

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9. Rolling this one out from jekbrooom.

Condoms, and the disposal of the condoms

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10. User judasmaiden15 is just trying to whitewash things.

I noticed that in porn, the majority of girls have pink bholes. In real life girls can have it be really dark to really light

11. Certainly the action is in a lot of movies, Thompson_S_Sweetback, but maybe not for that reason.

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Immediately peeing to avoid a UTI.

12. Red_Iine taint too proud to talk about some boner bloopers.

Your boner slipping out, but you go to jam it in before realizing it slipped out, and jamming it into her taint, injuring both parties. Sometimes hard enough to end the whole affair.

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13. Foofoo_Cuddly_Poops has a story about how the cat watches him have sex.

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See, my wife is fine with it, but having the cat come check us out mid action is a total boner killer for me. She'll be like "why aren't you hard anymore?" GEE honey maybe it's because the cat is curling around your head staring at me!

14. Here's a mid-bone banana, Jim_Nills_Mustache.

Severe leg cramping mid coitis

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15. Sure, unstablereality. It's your "chest."

Sweaty chest + sweaty boobs/cleavage = fart noises.

16. A user named eternaladdictions has the preposterous notion that sex should be a loving and affectionate good time to be had by all involved. What a perv.

My husband and I laugh quite often during sex. Its one of the best things about our sex life. We are super comfortable so he'll crack jokes or we'll try shit that doesnt work, but is funny. Its always a really relaxed enjoyable time.

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17. TheNorthComesWithMe just likes to keep it casual.

Casual requests like "could you play with my tits a little?