This insane story from Reddit's infamous "TIFU" subreddit is almost too classic a cheating trope to be real. It's like if you turned Jerry Springer into a sitcom. But at least it has a valuable lesson at the end.

Well, not really. But at least it's some fascinating drama you can munch popcorn to while you decide if there's really a dude out there living a sitcom-style misunderstanding and finding himself pantsless out in the cold.


I'll start with some background. This woman and I have been dating for about 2 months now yet I have never seen her residence. After a week of me pestering her she finally says yes, tells me to come over after work. We get off at 2 in the morning which made me assume I would be staying the night, bought a bottle of booze to help the night along.

This is where the FU starts. I pull up to the address she gave me and park a house away as per her request, it is a very nice house way out of the price range of what we make. Seeing this I assume she still lives with her parents which isn't to odd for a person in their low 20's (we both are), explains why she didn't want me over. Right?


Spoiler alert: WRONG.

After a very fun night of drinking and watching movies she leads me into a bedroom that looks like my grandparents, no color, a nightstand with pill bottles and a real alarm clock on it. Didn't think to much about it, big mistake. After doing the deed and being rather drunk we pass out. Waking up to her phone alarm going off and her yelling "OH SHIT OH SHIT HIDE NOW" I get shuffled into a closet, NAKED!


If this were a TV show, and it may as well be, this would be the first commercial break. So let's enjoy a commercial now.

Now welcome back to Oh Woops: Cheaters!

..... Been hiding for a while between a wall of clothes and damn GUN SAFE. I am trying to decide if I should yell "Leroy Jenkiiiiins!" or "no one expects the Spanish inquisition!" to start my naked dash to my clothes and then freedom, then comes an older sounding voice and the sounds of love making shortly after.... 'Oh shit her parents are home!' I think to myself, now my options are trying to sneak out or doing the respectable thing and introducing my naked self as their daughters boyfriend. I make the safe choice and sit there for what seems like hours. Eventually the door opens and my girlfriend is standing there signaling me to be quiet and come out. I lunge from my throne of old shoes and face plant hard, my legs have never been more asleep. I hear a voice from bed saying "babe what is going on" and then i see a 60+ y/o general manager from a different shift sit up and stare into my naked soul. All hell breaks loose and I sprint towards the door eating shit on the wall outside as my legs are apparently in a coma, hearing a thud behind me I pick myself up and run for my life not knowing if he is going for me or the gun safe. I make it outside with only a bloody nose and a few sore spots that I blame my traitorous legs for.


That concludes act two (he should have tried breaking into the safe and hiding in there), so now it's time for another commercial break. It's only right that this time they're interrupting with a promo for an upcoming rerun of Maury.

Now let's tune back in for the grand finale.

Now here I am outside naked, bloody, no phone and no keys. I hide a few houses down for about 30 minutes. My little soldier is trying to make a full retreat into my body for warmth and my fingers are bright red. Sneaking to my car I jump in the back with only a winter hat from the floor of the car and the fetal position to keep me warm. After a few hellish hours of thinking death was at the door my now ex-girlfriend opens the door and tosses me my stuff and says get out quick. I floor it out and find a spot to get dressed and check my phone, 5% battery and 20 minutes to get to work... great. I get to work and keep my head low until the shift before me finishes leaving, not knowing if the GM knew me or not. A 10 hour shift with no sleep was ahead of me. I eventually get to talk to the woman and the first words out of her mouth are 'please don't be mad it's not like you asked if I had a boyfriend'....

TL;DR Didn't ask a woman if she had a sugar daddy before getting romantically involved.


So here's your promised moral of the story: Always ask your girlfriend if she has a boyfriend before getting involved. Hey, no one said the moral would be groundbreaking.

For the author's part (his name is Hairmountainman on Reddit), he followed up on his post to say he's all good after the incident, and he has certainly reconsidered moving in with his (now ex) girlfriend. He also seems very real.

Now go buy more popcorn, you almost ran out.