I asked my friends how they thought sex worked when they were kids, and oh boy did they deliver.

I asked my friends how they thought sex worked when they were kids, and oh boy did they deliver.
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Thanks to unreliable sex education in most public schools, kids usually learn about the birds and the bees by piecing together rumors born out of lengthy games of telephone, urban-legend like stories and what they see on TV. Being the diligent and ever-curious journalist I am, I decided to further investigate this by asking my friends what weird sex things they believed as kids. Buckle up, folks, you're in for a sexually misinformed ride.

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This is how to make sex, right?
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First of all, kids who don't get an outright sex talk look to TV, movies, and other forms of media to learn about sex. It definitely sends some mixed signals.

"When I heard the Shaggy song "It Wasn't Me" and he says they were caught banging on the bathroom floor I imagined it was literally laying naked banging your fists on the floor."

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^Not a sex ed teacher^
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"I thought you only had it on a piano like in Pretty Woman. Like, you had to go find a piano to do it. And then you just rubbed up on each other."

"When I was a kid, I gathered from a Everybody Loves Raymond episode that babies were made by a woman and a man touching their nipples together​."

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Then there are the children who get their information from other ill-informed children.

"The first girl in my neighborhood to get the sex talk from her parents relayed the message to all of the other kids in the neighborhood but she told us the man fully removes a testicle and inserts it inside the woman's vagina and that is how a baby is made and her mom said it "felt kinda good.""

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Lolling at that Mom's lukewarm take on sexual pleasure.
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"The girl who lived next door would sometimes come over to play and one day she wanted to play a game about a girl who had "sexual potion." I didn't know what sex was at that point, so I asked her and she told me "you know on TV when grownups are seen in bed without their clothes on?" "Oh, right." ...that's all I knew for a while."

"I thought that condoms went on the balls. A friend told me that I believed him - the penis wasn't involved at all. Just balls wrapped in rubber."

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That can cause so many problems down the line!
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"I was on a three-way call with my two best friends at like 10 or 11. I was the only boy (I was essentially out very early in life, surrounded by girls always). ANYWAY, they were both like, 'We know you’d know the answer to this. Is a blow job like a lollipop, or like blowing on a hot potato?'"

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Yes. Like blowing on a HOT POTATO.
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A common theme was that a lot of people thought that having sex meant getting peed in or peed on. I mean, unless you're into that sort of thing.

"I believed you got pregnant when the man peed in you."

"I thought a man stood up and peed on a woman who was laying down."

"In second grade a friend told me sex was peeing into a butt."

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No judgment.
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And then there are the inexplicable beliefs that only a child's mind can make sense of.

"I thought everyone was born with a penis and if your parents wanted a girl they would just cut it off, and that if you were badly behaved it would grow back. Lived in fear."

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"I believed babies came out of the belly button and that when you had a baby after night time the doctors would leave you in the hospital alone in the dark. Like an empty department store."

"When I was six, I kissed a life size Barbie on the lips, thinking it was sex. I then dated her for a good month but had to call it quits cause I realized I was gay."

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"When I learned about sex in school (a Catholic school) the teacher kept saying how 'it only takes ONE time' to get pregnant and ruin our lives. I believed for quite some time that sperm just swam around a woman's body for eternity until it finally hit an egg."

"I thought that if you have sex before marriage you get AIDS no matter what."

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"My definition of French kissing was when you sucked off all the lipstick."

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"I was certain in 3rd grade condoms were short for condominiums."

"I thought that you could get pregnant by having sex but you could also get pregnant without it. Not like immaculate inception. Just like it could happen. Also, I thought women's boobs could be lifted up and it would be all bloody and gross underneath and that women's butt cheeks were like large eggs, no doubt because of mom jeans, and they could become infinitely large. My mother told me they could and I believed her."

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YOUR MOM LIED.
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"When I was 12, I heard about dudes getting boners and was super confused and curious. I read in Seventeen magazine that you could give a guy a boner by blowing in his ear, so I went up to a boy at camp and said “I have to tell you a secret,” blew in his ear looked to see if his penis popped up. Turns out that’s not the blowing the dudes like."

Well, that was a doozy. I guess the downside to not having proper sexual education would be things like STDs and STIs, teen pregnancy, and increased chances of sexual misconduct, but hey, at least we'd get more funny stories like these! Ugh, everyone please use a condom. And don't put it around your balls.

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