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Recently, my almost-wife and I started planning our wedding and realized what chumps we are.

Movies and television have raised us to believe that weddings are ceremonies that express a couple's love and the joy they've found in each other. As it turns out, weddings are actually giant long cons that allow the wedding industry to steal all of your money and for your relatives to steal all of your emotional money (soul coins, I call 'em). In order to prevent others from experiencing the Hieronymus Bosch-esque emotional hell that we're going through, I present the following lessons.