Over on Reddit, a best man by the username of Jack_Shitlord shared a wedding disaster that should probably be a movie staring Jason Statham, because it's that intense. It all began when Jack (let's call him that for short) fancied himself a jokester and toyed around with the bride's ring. And then out of nowhere, fate intervened and Jack swallowed the ring, as he explained on the TIFU (Today I Fucked Up) subreddit.
Sit tight and read all of Jack's bumpy (read: physically and emotionally painful) story:
Doing this TIFU to blow off steam. Title is pretty self-explanatory, but here's what happened.
I'm the best man for my best friend, let's call him Doug. Doug and I have been friends forever, since middle school, and we have a very long history of pranking each other. Went to the same college, were roommates, constantly messing with each other, to the point where I got slightly paranoid for a while--any car door handle might have guacamole underneath it, any email might have porn attached, etc. Harmless stuff, but it's always been a part of our friendship.
Fast forward ten years to this past weekend, at Doug and his fiancee's 300 person wedding. Big church, religious ceremony, the whole nine. He gives me the ring to hold when we're waiting in the wings--I'm supposed to keep it in my pocket. We were up drinking pretty late, last night as a free man style, and we're all jittery and a little hungover on top of the wedding nerves, so Doug whispers to be careful with it. Weirdly, I've been nervous about this part of the ceremony the whole weekend, envisioning fumbling and dropping the ring into a crack in the ground or something, so in retrospect this must have struck some kind of chord in my dumbfuck psyche. Combine that with my foggy hangover brain and the reflexive act of messing with Doug built up over twenty+ years, and without thinking I put the ring in my mouth.
I could immediately see this was inappropriate and unfunny, but I sort of stood my ground for a second, hoping the tension would crack and we'd get a laugh out of it. But Doug just kept mouthing wtf wtf, so I moved to take it out of my mouth. And as I did, I had one of those half-barf hiccup-belches, and I involuntarily swallowed.
If I'd had a gun right then, I swear to God, I would have blown my head off, and he could have picked the ring out of my throat. I just stood there, white as a ghost, and he knew what had happened. Long story short, or maybe I just don't want to recount the next few hours, but the show went on, and we did this weird thing where I pretended to hand him the ring and he pretended to put it on the bride's finger (the bride was utterly crushed, btw). They were officially married, but are going to redo the whole deal in a private ceremony next month. The best part is I've been sifting through my feces for the last two days, and the really best part is that, due to a combination of stress and rich wedding weekend food/boozing, I'm completely constipated. My days are now spent pooping into a wire mesh thing called a speci pan, carefully picking apart these dense little shame turds to find my (possibly former) best friend's 8k wedding ring. Fucking kill me.
TLDR: Tried to prank my friend by putting the bride's ring in mouth, swallowed it, am trying to poop it out.
ETA: Wow, thanks for the gold! Makes this whole thing seem worth it (not really, but helps). And depending on what happens, maybe I can gift it to the wife in place of the ring!
According to Jack, he didn't attempt to barf the ring up because the incident "happened the moment before we were escorted out into the church and no one had their wits about them enough to press pause and send me to the bathroom." He explained that, "By the time it was over it seemed like the puke it up window had closed, and I had already resigned myself to pooping it out, though in retrospect I should have tried." So Jack stoppered up his toilet and has been going at it. "The toilet is unspeakable," he wrote.
Fortunately for Jack, this nightmare is over. In two updates, Jack concluded his tale as the worst best man ever:
Update 1: Just went to the doctor. I wasn't going to update and just move on with my stupid life, but there's been such a response, I feel obligated. Plus, the doctor was pretty funny. Young asian woman (not relevant, just setting the scene), totally serious through the whole check-up, doesn't smile at the story or anything, does the x-ray. At the very end of the appointment, she's going through a list of what I should do when it passes, and she says, "I also recommend ______ Pawn on Broadway." No smile, totally dry delivery, leaves the office. Amazing.
Anyway, apparently the ring was nearly out, so she just recommended staying the course and a light laxative if needed. Will update when the deed is done!
Finally, after four days, Jack can relax and his friend's ring can breathe fresh air once more:
Update 2: The deed is done. This is as close to feeling like a proud new mother as I will probably ever get. I am thankful that Doug's wife is a very petite woman, because I could see a larger version of this thing doing some real damage. Oddly, it kind of came out on its own, relatively unpoopy. After a cleaning with scalding hot water and a peroxide bath, you would never know it had been through a grown man's lower GI. Am looking into autoclave or professional sterilization services.
It remains to be seen if the wife will want it, or if I'm on the hook for another. Sent Doug a text informing him of events, and he wrote back the following: "Lol that is great, glad your (sic) okay. Will tell _____. Talk to you in a week or so." Will update with exciting conclusion. For now, I am relieved and moving on with my life, including flushing the toilet for the first time in four days. Thanks for all the advice, good wishes, and even the insults.
Please, Jack, for the sake of everyone who has read this story, get that ring sterilized. Three times should be safe.