- I'm sure I'll enjoy your wedding despite not enjoying any other wedding I've ever been to

For the friend to whom you owe enough favors to reluctantly celebrate their happiness.

With the invites already out and the RSVPs already past due, you've probably got some tough decisions to make this summer about which friends actually deserve your attendance, which friends can afford a good enough bar to drag you out, and finally, which friends you can trust with your scheme to fake your own death to get out of Mary and Bill's outdoor wedding in Harrisburg. Or you could just rely on these cards to get you out of, and into, whatever nuptial troubles you want. Send them to the happy couple, other disgruntled guests, or create your own gem to offend everyone involved with the institution of marriage.

Advertising - Your wedding day is an important milestone in my self-loathing as a single person

For the friend who worries about you getting depressed in your studio apartment. - I'm really looking forward to the non-existent wedding you're planning on Pinterest

An excellent card to send if you're already married and enjoy lording it over friends. - I hope you get so many wedding gifts that you don't realize there are none from me.

For the wedding guest who likes to play dangerous games. - May your marriage outlast everyone's resentment over the expense of attending your wedding.

For the bride or groom who assumes everyone else is just as wealthy as they are. - Happy Drunk Bride-To-Be With A Giant Penis On Her Head Assaulting You In A Bar Season.

For anyone working as a bartender, comedian, cruise director, or (strip and/or regular) cop. - I'm attending a beautiful wedding in a hideous bridesmaid dress

For the bride's friend who will inevitably inflict the same punishment when it's her turn. - I'd love to attend your wedding if it wasn't going to put overwhelming pressure on me to have my own.

For the friend who understands that your girlfriend is crazy. - It's not premarital sex if you never get married.

For the crush you know is attending, or for your last-ditch attempt to break up the couple. - Your wedding plans sound really interesting to you

For the engaged friend who doesn't realize this is why planners are paid to listen to this stuff.