"Ho ho ho. I'm a chocolate dick."

Christmas may be the most wonderful time of the year, but Santa Claus is still the creepiest holiday mascot (after Flag Day Fred—shudder). He watches us constantly, surrounds himself with tiny elves like some kind of weird fetish, loves when little children sit on his lap, sneaks into our homes when we're asleep...need I go on? Now, thanks to @ChuckJelly, we know that underneath those harmless-looking wrappers, Santa chocolates are actually hairy brown phalluses (that taste like crap, by the way).

Sources: @ChuckJelly