What To Tell Grandma: 8 easy answers to your nana's prying personal questions.

What To Tell Grandma: 8 easy answers to your nana's prying personal questions.
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It's hard enough to deal with your own (f*cked-up) life without the added pressure of letting down your loved ones.

What To Tell Grandma: 8 easy answers to your nana's prying personal questions.

Here are some situations that can easily be reimagined in Grandma-speak:

1. "Are you dating anyone nice?"

You've just been broken up with by someone that you didn't even like that much and you're more annoyed that they beat you to it than you are heartbroken. Still, the last 3 relationships have been failures ranging from disappointing to painful. You're crazy, they're crazy, and nothing shows any sign of changing any time soon.

What To Tell Grandma: 8 easy answers to your nana's prying personal questions.

2. "How are you getting along at work?"

The only thing you currently hate more than your mostly non-existent love life is your piece of crap job. Your boss is a sociopath who subsists on a diet of telephone calls and Starbucks. No one seems to notice you much, unless you're not there, in which case everything needs to be done immediate and you are apparently the only one capable of doing it.

What To Tell Grandma: 8 easy answers to your nana's prying personal questions.

3. "How are you liking school?"

This is a ridiculous question. Liking school? It's school, no one likes it! In the history of time, no one has ever liked school. Even the teachers hate it, and they're actually getting paid to be there. Unlike you, who are spending an exorbitant amount of money (that you do not even actually have, so really it's an exorbitant amount of credit which will hang over you forever until you give up and die) to learn things that you will in all likelihood not even use. But, on the upside, there are parties, and you've figured out the thing about eating a bagel and drinking a ton of water before bed to avoid hangovers.

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What To Tell Grandma: 8 easy answers to your nana's prying personal questions.

4. "You're not still living in that same apartment, are you?"

"Apartment" is just a nice way of saying "drywall shoebox." You are still living there and the really sad thing is how much you're paying to do it. The walls are so thin you can hear your neighbor's IM blips above the sounds of The X-Files theme forever issuing from your Gillian Anderson-obsessed roommate's bedroom. You've killed roaches so big other roaches showed up and outlined the body in chalk.

What To Tell Grandma: 8 easy answers to your nana's prying personal questions.
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5. "Are you going to make this old lady a great grandmother before she dies?"

Oh boy. Even if you wanted kids, you couldn't afford them. You don't have enough room for all your clothes, let alone a small human and all his or her clothes...unless the baby could maybe live in the closet and you could put your clothes on one of those rolling carts and put that, I don't know, in the living room? But then the bookcase would have to go to the kitchen, and there'd really be nowhere for social services to sit when they inevitably visit when they are tipped off by a nosy neighbor (THANKS GINA) that your baby is living in the closet.

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What To Tell Grandma: 8 easy answers to your nana's prying personal questions.

6. "Can I get you something to eat?"

Be careful, this is a trap. If you don't eat whatever she offers, you're rude and/or starving yourself. If you do, you might find yourself on the receiving end of another round of thinly veiled references to your "curves" being the thing keeping you from "finding the right one." So eat something, but only a moderate amount, despite the fact that you actual are super hungry from skipping lunch in favor of a small packet of Cheez-its, an unremarkable tangerine, and a work phone call that involved 10 minutes of soul-numbing hold music.

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What To Tell Grandma: 8 easy answers to your nana's prying personal questions.

7. "Is that a TATTOO?"

Yes. It absolutely is.

What To Tell Grandma: 8 easy answers to your nana's prying personal questions.

8. "How's the diet going?"

What diet?

What To Tell Grandma: 8 easy answers to your nana's prying personal questions.
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