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1. Using farts to get attention.

It's sad enough that I require the amount of attention I generally seek. It's even more pathetic the frequency with which I use farting to attract it. Unfortunately my fiancé bears the brunt of this vice. She's a trooper and doesn't get too upset unless I cross a certain threshold of smell. Then I get hit. A lot. During this justified thrashing, I'm usually laughing like a mad man in celebration of the fact that I used my butt to make someone I care about unhappy. I also try to get attention by recounting tales of farts past if they are particularly noteworthy. As a matter of fact, I'm doing it right now.