Man shares marriage saga; 'After having our son, my wife doesn't love me anymore.'

"After having our son, my wife doesn't love me anymore."

I need to get this off my chest, opinions are welcome. My wife and I are together for nearly 8 years now. 4 weeks ago she delivered our son. We both love him a lot. However even during the pregnancy I felt my wife getting more distant from me.

We would have fights over nothing, but we almost managed to talk it out. I never went physical with her though. When I got angry, I always went to the gym and work out hard. She has sl@pped me a few times.

A red flag for me, but I let it to rest. However since then it went to more mental abuse. Taking away the baby because I was holding him wrong. Not waking me up even though she needs help and then blames me for not helping etc etc.

Today was the final straw. I don't have a driverslicense, however I have been taking lessons since last feb. Due to work, having a baby and me living in the netherlands (there is a 6 month waiting list to take an exam) I haven't had the chance to get the license yet. My exam is scheduled for Jan 27th.

She still blames me for not trying my best. Even tough I have a lesson every week. Today she told me I am stupid, that we have to take a taxi for a health check tomorrow for the baby (just a standard one.

Guess what, the distance is a 20 min walk, i wouldn't even take a taxi, the return trip would cost over 80 euro. A 5 min ride.. she insists. I believe going out is good for the baby. She wants a damn taxi.

I told her I feel I am not being listened too, she responded even more violent, this happens all on text. I feel I don't want to eat at home. Not when she treats me like shit. She is like fine whatever and then block our my bank card (we have 1 account, 2 cards).

Why would you rather have your husband starve? This tells me enough. I ask her if she still loves me. No reply, just do whatever.

Now I think that I made a huge mistake. But its too late. I don't want to abandon our lovely son. She is from Mexico, I am afraid she will even take him and I will never see him again...

Let's see what readers had to say:

fantaaan writes:

First of all.. her slapping you is not okay. Ever. It’s not an excuse but Second.. postpartum rage is real. She might need to talk to someone.. AND she might need more support.

Third.. I’m a mom and you sound a bit slacking at supporting her to be honest. Being a fresh mom is hard! What frustrates me is that you’re saying you don’t want to go home to eat because of her? So you leave her alone with your newborn to take care of him alone? You know how that might feel to her?

I understand her being frustrated with you in that case. Her solution/punishment to feeling abandoned by you is perhaps making you feel frustrated and abandoned aswell by blocking your card. I’m not saying I support this way or treatment to one another, but I understand.

It’s not fair to victimize yourself for not having food if you deliberately choose to not eat your food at home to avoid your wife and leave her alone to taking care of your newborn.

Instinctively it feels unsafe to be left alone with a newborn. Survival mode kicks in. Besides that, it costs so much energy. While she’s still healing and maybe breastfeeding. Does she ever get time to wind down and recharge? It’s easy to walk away. She can’t walk away like that.

This is not the time to walk away. I know it’s hard for you too and you don’t have to accept slapping.. but my man.. you’ve got to step up. It’s time to claim and embody your role as a father, husband and masculine. To take ownership and responsibility. It’s your role as the father to take care of the mother.

To unburden her as much as possible. To be the sturdy rock and stay in the eye of the storm. To create and keep a safe space. To take the lead and organize structure. So she can heal, rest, and focus on the baby. She doesn’t need to wake you, you should be adequate enough to wake yourself and do whatever you can.

Depending on her healing stage and how she feels.. walking 40 minutes is not doable for some women 4 weeks post partum. Besides that, it’s cold and wet this time of year. Think in advance, take the lead. Ask a friend or a neighbor if you don’t want to pay for a taxi. Take more drivers lessons then once a week.

This time is life changing for you both.. don’t make any decisions right now. Just be your best version, be her rock, step up. Do things before being asked. Be of service and don’t be selfish. It’s not about you right now. It’s not about whether she loves you right now. It might be hard to reach those feelings right now.

Your baby and the mother are priority. Love them a bit harder right now. It shows character if you can still show up when shit gets rough. She will remember that. She will appreciate that. She will show you love eventually. But now she needs you. This is the most vulnerable time in life a fresh mother can be in. It’s hard and it’s not pretty.

I wish you the best and her as well. She might have postpartum rage or depression, it could be hard to pinpoint when you’re in it. She’s probably in survival mode. There is professional help available for her if she’s open to that.

Still.. hold on! This is the hardest stage but the storm will pass. Stay sturdy in the eye of the storm. Hold space. Don’t let your emotions take over. Hers will, even though they might not be logical, just keep that in the back of your mind.

flatgrspe writes:

I think this could be pregnancy related. The hormones are washing over her, she only delivered 4 weeks ago. Maybe she is suffering from postpartum depression or is generally very irritated (tired, breastfeeding etc). Many women take weeks / months if not years to feel normal again.

This is not an excuse to belittle you or remove you from your baby, but I think it does explain it. I think you should have a good talk, with the best intentions and try to not let it escalate. You’re emotional about it and that’s logical but it often doesn’t help addressing your needs in a clear way.

Prepare your talk well by writing down what your needs are and your expectations from her. Be reasonable and listen, she might not be able to give everything you need right now given the postpartum situation and her state. Prepare her that you want to talk about something that is close to your heart. Don’t forget that you have a life together already for eight years and a beautiful baby.

trscegtee writes:

Your 4 week post partum wife is still recovering from the birth. Her hormones are all over the place and she is sore and exhausted. If she is breastfeeding then that too is draining and she is not getting a good nights sleep.

A twenty minute walk is approximately a mile and a half. She really may not feel up to a three mile trudge there and back just because you don’t think it’s a big deal (and for you it isn’t- your body hasn’t been through the ringer).

Have you even considered that she may be suffering from PPD? You complain that you’re not being listened to, but I don’t get the impression that you’re listening to her either. Her behaviour is clearly unacceptable, but also concerning and you really should be trying to get her to see a doctor rather than leaping to thoughts of separation. ESH.

vontan writes:

Quite a few things wrong with this... Secure your assets this is malicious. You need to eat. Secondly physical abuse and blaming while not in any meaningful way asking when needed is just a way to blame you in and of itself.

This feels like the baby is being used as a hostage / leverage to control, undermine, guilt and abuse you. People understand PPD is real, but let's be honest behaviour has limits even with underlying issues.

This could be a number of things but rn she is expressing resentment towards you over the child by weaponizing your dedication to the child to enable her abuse of you. Clearly no man would put up with that and honestly you should focus exit as if she didn't have the child to begin with.

I'd normally say reconciliation is an option and I try to advocate against rash decisions with a large scope but this is an exception due to escalating tension with the threat of violence. It's in the child's best interest that you secure safety of the child before this resentment is extended.