What to expect when your best friend is expecting.

What to expect when your best friend is expecting.
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Your best friend is having a baby and you couldn't be more excited for her! Well, you're definitely happy for her. Mostly.

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There's no denying that pregnancy is one of the most profound, wonderful, bizarre, uncomfortable and yet still universal states of human existence. But let's be honest, what you really need to know is how this is going to affect you.

Here are some ways to make your best friend's pregnancy all about you:

FIRST TRIMESTER

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Your friend is probably not even showing yet but, make no mistake, the baby has already taken over. It basically goes without saying that her days of drinking and drugging are at least temporarily over. Bars are out of the question. She'll probably want to be home and in bed by like 7:30 or 8 pm. Hopefully you have other friends available to participate in routine debauchery.

She might have “morning sickness," which admittedly sounds awful, especially since the "morning" part implies it only happens in the morning, when it's really “all the time sickness." You can go ahead and just feel bad for her on this one. Try to imagine it: you feel sick enough that you don't even want a little frozen yogurt, for days and days or maybe weeks on end. How can a person not even want frozen yogurt? What kind of life is it to not want frozen yogurt? How much longer until she will want to get frozen yogurt with you again? Oh hey, brought it back around to you!

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She'll spend lots of time at the doctor, maybe even most of her time. Maybe ALL the time. Weeks on end. Appointment after appointment, getting check-ups and tests. And then there's the sonogram, the ultrasound picture, which looks sort of like an old school mimeograph, but instead of test questions, it's a fetus. She'll bring the picture home and stick it on the fridge, where it has to go by law. She and her partner will exclaim over it: “There it is, honey! Our blob." “Oh, look, it's got…a head. Just like you!" No matter how much you may want to, it's important that you don't give in to the temptation of drawing devil horns on the sonogram. And even though you don't have to pretend it's cute, it's probably best not to ask if it's human.

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Really it's probably best not to ask anything. In the first trimester, your friend's brain is hijacked by hormones and she'll be sensitive, irritable, weepy—all the things that you are on your period, times a thousand. The important thing to do is not point this out. Think of how you are on your period: when someone calls you out on being emotional, you shriek “I'M NOT OVERREACTING!" like a complete lunatic. This is your friend's whole life now. Your best bet is just to find another friend to complain about this one to.

SECOND TRIMESTER

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By now you've gotten used to hearing "belly" and "bump" pretty often and were probably disappointed to learn that "baby bump" doesn't mean just a small amount of cocaine.

The fetus growing inside your friend continues to develop and starts to move. Your friend might make you feel it, by putting your hand on her stomach, but the baby will immediately stop kicking, like some kind of parasite Snuffleupagus. It will get awkward and you'll probably just say "Yup, definitely felt it!" and be allowed to take your hand back.

Near the end of the second trimester, your friend will usually be the one on the receiving end of unwanted touching. People will start to try to touch her, with or without her permission. Your job as best friend is to serve as her bodyguard and and threaten to karate chop the necks of any strangers who make sudden movements towards her, or ask too many questions, or offer too much unsolicited parenting advice.

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There will be a lot of discussion of the baby's name, standard issue names like Mary and John and overly precious "Brooklyn" names like Finnigan or Serenity or Leek or Mason Jar (Jar is his middle name) or, well, Brooklyn. Family names, old-fashioned names, hyphenated names, whatever the name chosen, it probably won't be Thor or Cruella or Harry Dean Stanton or anything cool you suggest.

THIRD TRIMESTER

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During the pregnancy, you will hear your friend complain about being big between 10 and 7,000 times, but at this point she really is. She gets bigger right in front of your eyes.

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By now, her feet have swollen up so much that normal non-pregnant people shoes no longer fit. In her pursuit of “comfy sandals," she will buy Birkenstocks. And still expect you to be around her. While she wears them. The Birkenstocks. This is not the person you knew.

The addition of a new family member means parties with boring people like relatives and work friends and other moms. There will be a baby shower and you will definitely have to attend. Depending on circumstances you may even have to throw it. Where do you even start? Can you get a keg of beer in pink or baby blue? Oh my god, what if people decide there should be NO DRINKING? Do you have to play those terrible games with, like, melted chocolate bars and diapers? There's a lot to figure out.

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But shopping for the baby-to-be can actually be pretty fun, especially if it's a girl. All those teeny tiny baby clothes, wee socks and cute animal prints. If at all possible, try to convince your friend to have a preemie, because their clothing is SO TEENY TINY and extra adorable. If she gets offended, just tell her you were trying to make her laugh cause you know she's been stressed out. And offer to rub her feet.

By now you will have figured out that pregnancy goes on FOREVER. No one is more aware of this than the actual mom-to-be but you get runner up because by now you've heard about as much about your friend's body as you ever want to. It's a long long long long long 10 months.

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Oh hey, did you know it's 10 months, not 9? Everyone always talk about pregnancy as 9 months long but it's really closer to 10. Just another thing you will learn more than you wanted to know about on this journey, along with details about heartburn and hemorrhoids.

But eventually, it will end. Her water will break and she will ride the wave to the hospital to give birth. And honestly, you will love it, whether it's a boy or a girl. Just pray that it's a kitten.

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