Advertising

by Dan Abromowitz

As soon as they first set foot on campus, every freshman is racing to stake out a memorable identity and stand out from their peers. Here're some ideas to get out ahead and make people remember you:

  1. Wear a hat. "Hey, Hat Guy!"
  2. Flip a dainty fan.
  3. Have a big snake with a dumb name, like "Gus."
  4. Socks OVER sandals.
  5. Get a big ropey facial scar and a milky eye.
  6. Keep throwing boomerangs that never come back.
  7. Be poor and vocal about it.
  8. Be Emma Watson. Didn't you just graduate?
  9. Kill the dean... with a kiss.
  10. Start your own one-man frat.
  11. Start your own three-woman sorority. Yeah: you, yourself, and you!
  12. Make a lot of pop culture references. Wow, memorable!
  13. Sweat out of control, like way too much.
  14. Cry a river and drown the whole world.
  15. Take a physics class and a literature class.
  16. Ride a scooter everywhere but deny it for no reason.
  17. Lift the curse and free the campus statues.
  18. Break the campus record for bleeding.
  19. Speak four identical languages.
  20. Be like 40 years old.
  21. Missing top of head (brain showing).
  22. Have a wolf companion with a dumb name, like "Harold."
  23. Sexy pin-up tattoos but of scared old men.
  24. Ham satchel.
  25. Embroidered messenger bag full of tiny messenger bags.
  26. Good skin.
  27. Wear only one hue that gets darker and darker as the semester goes on.
  28. Full hijab, over a robot frame, operated remotely.
  29. Reach your hand into everyone's mailbox and wonder aloud about "free mail."
  30. Only use unisex bathrooms and tell everyone you only do "#3"
  31. Own four staplers.
  32. Live in a damn yurt.
  33. Befriend a townie who's a clown, a townie clownie friend.
  34. Insist on being called Charles Danson in honor of your heroes, Charles Manson and Ted Danson.
  35. Wear a bulletproof vest as pants.
  36. Live for the moment.
  37. Exist as a Rockefeller library.
  38. Skulk a bunch.
  39. Skulk at brunch!
  40. "Chipotle Mayo Danny."
  41. Never bathe.
  42. Bathe continuously.
  43. Listen to chill music and hang out.
  44. Grow your own weeds.
  45. Take a hostage.
  46. Adamantium skeleton.
  47. Perfect Blues Traveller impression.
  48. Convert sunlight into food.
  49. Be very memorable and likeable and handsome and well-adjusted.
  50. Die.
  51. Swing a big chain.
  52. Spend three months reading Infinite Jest in public spots, upside-down.
  53. Use words like "mighty," "truly," and "libations."
  54. Give 110%, on and off the b-ball court.
  55. Too many teeth.
  56. Chastity belt OVER pants.
  57. Bug doll.
  58. Be European.
  59. Glow.
  60. Dress in pelts.
  61. Do a surgery.
  62. Great handshake.
  63. One of those Gameboy phone cases.
  64. Live according to rigid moral precepts.
  65. Drink a whole bunch of beers!!!!
  66. Luchador mask OVER backwards cap.
  67. Chew cigarette tobacco.
  68. Burn continually, without ever being consumed.
  69. Sell pot.