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Okay, I finally got a dressing room.

Thank god I actually found a few options out there. This isn't going to be so bad. I mean, it's kind of tough to know how I'll look on the beach in one of these when I'm standing under fluorescent lighting. It highlights so many flaws you may as well call it "Mom." Oh crap, Mom. I need to call her.

Trying on bathing suits before summer should be a form of criminal punishment. The only light my skin has seen in months is the glow from my laptop screen during a House of Cards Netflix binge. My skin is so pale I look like one of those deepwater jellyfish that are so translucent you can see all of their organs. At least you can't see the food I've eaten through my skin. Dammit, why did I eat a soft pretzel the size of a bowling ball before trying on bathing suits? Am I a masochist? Should I just throw in the towel already and buy a maternity bathing suit?