New study tells us how much caffeine to drink because we're all dummies.

New study tells us how much caffeine to drink because we're all dummies.
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How much caffeine should you drink? The amount that doesn't make you feel like shit.

New study tells us how much caffeine to drink because we're all dummies.

"Hey honey, aren't you happy that we evolved to have the mental faculties to tell when we've had too much coffee?" (via Thinkstock)

Hey guys, look! There's a scientific report about how much caffeine you should drink! The European Food Safety Authority (EFSA) puts safe caffeine usage at 400 mg per day, which is about four 8 oz. cups or five espresso shots. Thank goodness you finally know how much caffeine you should drink (or eat on popcorn), because it's 100% impossible to tell how much caffeine is too much or too little just by consuming it!

Oh, wait. What I meant to say is that we human beings can totally tell when we've had too much or too little caffeine.

New study tells us how much caffeine to drink because we're all dummies.

Should you drink this coffee? No! But that's because it's just a picture of a coffee and not one you can really have. (via Thinkstock)

I feel like these studies and reports about the "right" amount of caffeine come out about as regularly as new cute cat videos. And every time, my response is "meh" (to the caffeine studies, not the cat videos — I'm not a monster). The result is almost always the same: the studies tell you to drink caffeine in moderation, because in moderate doses, it has some benefits. In large doses, it can hurt more than it can help. Whoop-de-doodle.

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I'm not saying that these caffeine studies are without value, but unless they find a very specific risk factor or you were already considering cutting back on coffee, I have a strong guess about what you're going to do about this study: nothing.

New study tells us how much caffeine to drink because we're all dummies.

This guy maybe had too much coffee so he was shaking and tripped. But I don't know. I LET THIS GUY LIVE HIS OWN LIFE. (via Thinkstock)

Rather, you're going to keep on living your life with the same level of caffeination you always have. It's not just because the study result is so middle-of-the-road, it's because as a human adult, you can tell when you've had too much coffee or too little coffee. You know the headache of caffeine withdrawal, and you know the anxious jitters of overload. You know if you're a person with a high tolerance or a person who has such a low tolerance you can only drink decaf. You might even be like me and know what it feels like to have never had coffee before, then try it for the first time by drinking an entire 48 ounces at once. Then you might discover that caffeine makes you feel like your chest is being ripped open (College! Woo!).

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Caffeine is a drug, a vice, and an indulgence. And like any indulgence, scientists are never going to discover that it's the best for you. Nor will they probably discover it's the worst. So if they discover that caffeine causes butt cancer (or really, any cancer), let me know. Otherwise I'm just going to be here, sipping this coffee that I poured a 5 Hour Energy shot into. Don't worry, I can handle it.

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