9 reasons not to be jealous of everyone at Coachella.

9 reasons not to be jealous of everyone at Coachella.
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FYI: everyone who looks like they're having fun at Coachella is lying because it totally sucks.

9 reasons not to be jealous of everyone at Coachella.

Don't be sad. You're not missing out. (via Coachella)

The second weekend of Coachella is about to start. You probably saw everyone's extensive documentation of their ultimate partytimes during the first weekend and are thinking to yourself "HOW CAN I BEAR TO LOOK AT ANOTHER WEEKEND OF ALL THE FUN I AM MISSING?" But fear not, I'm here to tell you Coachella is the worst. Here are all the things your friends are experiencing and choosing to leave out of their photos.

1. Portable Toilets

9 reasons not to be jealous of everyone at Coachella.

Smells on smells on smells. (via Portable Toilet Co.)

After spending weeks picking out your finest festival wear, you've finally made it to Coachella! Now try not to dip your feather headdress into a hot plastic box full of what used to be fancy festival food and alcohol. If you think regular port-o-johns smell bad, wait until you experience a hundred of them in a row in desert heat.

2. Festival Attire

9 reasons not to be jealous of everyone at Coachella.

A popular coffee table book circa 2065. (via ryot)

Everyone at Coachella creates their own unique style that looks exactly like everyone else's unique style at Coachella, and if you dress like a normal person you are arrested and taken to a holding cell where you're hooked up to a lie detector to find out if you know every band on the roster. It's all very exhausting.

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3. These People

Remember when Jimmy Kimmel asked people at Coachella if they knew about made-up bands? This is every single person at the festival and you should be happy you don't have to listen to them talk while you wait for your phone to charge.

4. Your Phone Is Dead

9 reasons not to be jealous of everyone at Coachella.
Noooooooooooooooooooooo. (via twitter)

How are you supposed to make people at home jealous of all the fun you've having when your phone is dead? Guess you'll have to get to one of these state-of-the-art charging stations, which serve to either fry your phone or barely charge it. Nothing in between.

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5. You might get tongue-attacked by Madonna

9 reasons not to be jealous of everyone at Coachella.

Drake didn't seem to like it. You must be wary of a rogue tongue kiss from Madonna. I believe if Madonna kisses you, she steals a year of your life because she wants her arms to live forever.

6. It's So F***ing Hot

9 reasons not to be jealous of everyone at Coachella.

Is everyone else sweating as much as me? (via thinkstock)

You know Coachella is in the middle of the desert, right? It's well over 100° Fahrenheit during the day and the sun is as relentless as the glitter in your hair you got from making out with the girl covered in glitter.

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7. It's Almost Impossible To Get Drunk

I realize this video of wasted flip-flop guy is probably making you wish you were at Coachella, but I promise you it is hard work getting drunk in the desert. Basically, you sweat out any booze you drink within 20 minutes. So, if you want to get wasted, you have to be constantly drinking.

8. Conflicting Music

9 reasons not to be jealous of everyone at Coachella.

I love this band! Also, the band playing at the next stage. (via coachella)

Have you ever been listening to your favorite song on your iPod or Zune music player and someone else's volume is turned up so high it ruins your entire musical experience? Welcome to Coachella.

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9. Fire Ants

9 reasons not to be jealous of everyone at Coachella.

Fire. Ants. (Thinkstock)

One time I was camping at Coachella and I woke up to find myself covered in fire ants and the bites itched for weeks and I vowed never to go back to Coachella and that is the reason I made this list.

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