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You don’t have the time or patience to poke around Amazon all day looking for cool stuff to buy. And we need money to pay for our billionaire playboy lifestyles. So here are the best deals we could find and shamelessly promote on someecards today.

FTC mandated notice: We may receive some portion of the sales made from this list. We’re probably not going to spend it wisely if we do.

1. This crazy drink dispenser.

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Put it in your evil lair, for when you plot post-brunch world domination.

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2. A chicken leg pillow.

For when your boyfriends chicken legs are too bony.

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3. This pizza hat.

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For the only team worth supporting.

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4. This decadent kitty mug.

The little cat face won't judge you for having that fourth cup of coffee.

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5. Pizza cat towel.

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Can you think of a better combination of words?

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6. These citrus coasters.

They look like fruit slices, which I believe counts as a serving of fruit?

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7. A wine candle.

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Which will really set the mood for wine drinking.

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8. A Loch Ness tea infuser.

Makes your tea taste just like a monster lake.

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9. Elderflower tonic.

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Sounds like something the Red Woman uses on Game of Thrones so... what are you still doing here?

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10. A parrot corkscrew.

Significantly less annoying than an actual parrot.

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11. This dinosaur taco holder.

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Finally, an answer to the question "Can dinosaurs hold tacos?"

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12. A death star cutting board.

That's no moon.

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13. An apple tissue holder.

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Literally perfect if apples make you sneeze.

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14. The only t-shirt you'll ever need.

You'll probably still get cat called because men are literally garbage.

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15. This fly jewelry hanger.

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Get it? Fly? It's early, give me a break.

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Sources: Pizza Bottle