As my mother used to say: "A dollar spent on something that makes people question your mental stability is a dollar well spent."
Ok, fine she didn't say that. But I guarantee you if she saw that I wasted my hard earned money on a shower curtain with Jeff Goldblum holding a monkey on it, she'd wonder where she could get a one for herself. (She thinks Jeff Goldblum is hot. And probably likes monkeys?)
Anyway, I'll save conversations about my mother for therapy and keep conversations about anatomically correct whale dongs, crying unicorn candles and other really weird ways to spend your money here.
1. Next time the power goes out, let the tears of a unicorn illuminate your path.
Get it on Amazon.
2. Tired of getting naked and getting in the shower without feeling like Jeff Goldblum and a monkey are watching you? Not anymore!
Get it on Amazon.
3. This rubber chicken wine stopper is definitely normal and not 100% the most random thing ever.
Get it on Amazon.
4. Remember steaming vegetables without having nightmares afterwards? Well this melting pig face steamer top will fix that problem.
Get it on Amazon.
5. Looking for a new hobby? Not anymore you're not! Stop sacrificing valuable cat hair to your vacuum and start turning it into art.
Get it on Amazon.
6. If you're still scared of the dark but also you're very strange and also you love pizza, boom, here you go.
Drench your night terrors in grease on Amazon.
7. This is a Corgi ass AND a coin purse. Need I say more?
Get it on Amazon.
8. These are giant, plush versions of STD viruses. I guess for you to cuddle with?
Give someone AIDS, Crabs or Herpes on Amazon.
9. This is a fun puzzle book wherein you "solve" each puzzle by successfully reaching orgasm while looking at the image. Fun for the whole family!
Get it on Amazon, sinner.
10. These animal print panties are sure to get your S.O.'s blood pumping, assuming he's turned on by animals.
Get them on Amazon.
11. These tiny, creepy little hands you can put on your hands. Or feet.
Get them on Amazon.
12. This little dude, who takes runny yellow s**ts on all your hotdogs and hamburgers.
Get it on Amazon.
13. This book is the love story of our generation.
Get it on Amazon.
14. Still trying to tie your living room together? This grandma sucking an inhaler decal will surely do the trick.
Get it on Amazon.
15. Do you like big dog butts, but cannot lie about it? Boom! Here are some round (furry) things in your face.
Get them from Amazon.
16. Every normal girl will want to start toting her tampons and wallet around in a faux fish carcass.
Get it on Amazon.
17. Not a fan of the fish purse? Ok, cool, how about a French Fry purse instead?
Get it on Amazon.
18. This little guy is a great way to sharpen your pencil while also pretending to murder someone.
Get it on Amazon.
19. Or maybe you're not the murdering type and just want to sharpen your pencil in someone's nasal cavity?
Get it on Amazon.
20. Next time you're flying, why not use a giant shrimp as a neck-pillow? The TSA won't have any questions because this is very normal.
Get it on Amazon.
21. Everyone loves activity books and this one for pregnant women is probably the best one on the market today.
Get it on Amazon.
22. This coffee mug will not only make you have to poop but give you a place you can do it.
Get it on Amazon.
23. "He went to Jared!" is what you can say jokingly as you use these to fight bunions.
Get it on Amazon.
24. This horse head pillow case is ideal for really disturbed Godfather fans.
Get it on Amazon.
25. This beach ball that looks a lot like the ball from that Visine commercial Ben Stein was in in the '90s. Remember?
Get it on Amazon.
26. This anatomically correct whale dong will make you realize you’re not as perverted as you think, relatively speaking.
Get it on Amazon. HOPEFULLY as a gag gift. Weirdo.
27. This incredibly complicated way to dry your dog.
Get it on Amazon.
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