How To Be A Real Guys' Girl.

How To Be A Real Guys' Girl.
How To Be A Real Guys' Girl.

by Dan Abromowitz

We all know her: she's chill, easygoing, "one of the guys." She'd rather play Call of Duty than watch The Notebook, knows more about sports than the boys do, and can drink anyone under the table. She fills the vital need for a bro that bros could actually admit to having sex with. She's the Guys' Girl, and if you've ever wanted to be as cool and accepted as her, here's how:

  • Eat the wings off a chicken.
  • Eat a live snake like corn on the cob.
  • Eat a whale from the inside out.
  • Compose a sensible but sharp ensemble of muted slate tones.
  • Conquer.
  • Train a falcon to die for you.
  • Train a wolf to do your taxes.
  • Take out a loan to buy up uncultivated land.
  • Speculate wildly in the tech sector.
  • Build extensive spreadsheets of complicated logistical calculations to determine when to do drugs with your buddies.
  • Integrate UFC moves into casual conversation.
  • Silently scoop up a handful of spiders.
  • Chew your birth control.
  • Admire the permanence of stone.
  • Establish an outpost.
  • Talk shit about a dry rub.
How To Be A Real Guys' Girl.
  • Believe unflinchingly in your own experiences as the mold and template for the whole of the human condition.
  • Slap an ox.
  • Star in a Ford commercial.
  • Develop a wide stance.
  • Rest secure in your body's right to occupy the space it does.
  • Run up to the top of a bunch of different hills.
  • Recount every strong emotional experience you have like you're a goddamn explorer macheteing your way to the outer reaches of the known map and bringing back etchings of ancient ruins unbeheld by mortal eyes.
  • Lay sod.
  • Pledge a fraternity and get the nickname "Dumper."
  • Pledge a fraternity and get the nickname "Big Lloyd."
  • Pledge a fraternity and get the nickname "Butthole Cigarillo."
  • Secure your legacy.
  • Live in a spooky cave.
  • Visualize a variety of three dimensional objects – cubes, spheres, pyramids – viewed from several different angles.
  • Replace your blood with whiskey.
  • Replace your whiskey with blood.
  • Heave a rock at a toad.
  • Simultaneously chug a beer and give a blowjob.
  • Be Jennifer Lawrence, or at least control her from afar.
  • Gun.

(Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.)