All too soon, you'll be handed a diploma and told to hit the highway, but for now, you are young, beautiful, and undergraduate. Here's how to milk those last golden drops from the teat of your alma mater:
1. Carve your initials into your department chair.
2. Apologize to your freshman year roommate for trying so hard to be yourself.
3. Read your last ever book.
4. Remember how you were going to befriend your dorm custodian and learn all about his unique perspective on the school? It's not too late, or at least it wouldn't be if he hadn't been fired for trying to unionize.
5. Skip a class and revel in the tongues of hellfire tickling at your heels.
6. I'm not saying you should, but this may be your last best chance to permanently tarnish the reputation of an institution.
7. Take advantage of student psychological services to get every one of your issues sorted out before diving into the rat race.
8. Tonguekiss the girl in your creative writing workshop with the colored pencils and Invisalign. She's a biter!
9. Keep a diary so you'll always remember those heady, honeysuckle days, and those breathless, perfumed nights, and the time you threw up in a laundry hamper.
10. Take mushrooms with the dean WhooOOOOooaaaAAAAaahhhh!!!!!
11. Combine every juice in the dining hall and try a sip. Don't let the excitement derail your studies.
12. Take some time to finally get to know your school chaplain. Maybe this whole time he's been a secret hunk.
13. Fully visualize where you want them to put the building you'll donate.
14. Give a last three whoops for the fightin' Pinewasps. Show everyone that you bleed gold and evergreen. Mount the head of the mascot on your wall.
15. Download a backup of yourself into a freshman in case anything happens to you "out there."
16. Really listen to some a cappella.
17. Relive your last four years by reenacting them in an outdoor 30-hour song-cycle.
18. Gather all your booty calls in one place for the final rose ceremony.
19. Make love in the Ann and Bernard Shearer memorial microfilm library.
20. Join one of those late-game frats.
21. Sit in on some lectures for classes you always wanted to take to gather the kinds of half-learned facts you'll be able to tell your kids.
22. If you've got a crush, confess it! Who knows, maybe they feel the same, and you'll magically be granted more time to play out the "what if...?" that will nag you for the rest of your life.
23. Finally, finally abandon any lingering notions that you might switch to pre-med.
24. Make a photo collage of your sorority sisters so they're never out of reach of your voodoo.
25. Burn a few bridges to get yourself hyped to experience the slow decay of the rest of them.
26. If you don't become a college drop-out now, you'll never get another chance.
Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.