What to do with all that summertime sweat.

What to do with all that summertime sweat.

Our bodies annually produce 60 gallons of sweat, and it's safe to assume that a lot of that's coming out of the summer months, but what do we have to show for it come September? Instead of letting it drip away, put your sweat to use! Here's how:

  • Dogs don't sweat, but maybe they'd like to? Dump your sweat on your dog and see if he takes it in stride.
  • Keep a little vial in your pocket for when you just can't seem to muster tears at a particularly inept funeral.
  • Slop it into your stews and gravies for a double-barreled blast of umami. Your guests will never guess the "secret ingredient," and you'll never tell!
  • Bottle it with aromatics and market your own musk. Introducing Me, by You! You should put your own name in there, though, or people might think it's them.
  • Ever pickled with body brine? Forget about kimchi, how about kim-me?!
  • Ship it to drought-stricken Southern California to aid beleaguered firefighters in their ongoing fight against fire. It's like you're on the WWII homefront. Go get 'em, boys!
  • Gather it in a mist bottle for a refreshing anytime spritz, or turn it on assailants to blind them. Ha-ha, fuck you!
  • Freeze it into sweatsicles for a post-workout recovery treat, or ice cubes to really dirty up a dirty martini. Dirty me-tini! It's you in there!
  • Spread it on telephone poles, stoops, and hydrants around town to convince local dogs that you are an omnipresent God figure.
  • Let the salt separate out overnight and gather it into a salt lick for deers, to stay in their good graces. A reckoning is coming.
  • Never woken up in a cold sweat? Refrigerate a batch and have a buddy douse you awake from a nightmare.
  • Irrigate your crops for a bountiful yield come harvest-time.
  • Splash it on your palms to dynamite a disappointing Tinder date on first contact. It's like swiping left for real!
  • Sprinkle it on a baby to baptize it in your name, like Satan might do.

Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.