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Let me tell you a story about Melissa Jacobson, who probably didn't realize how witty her t-shirt would be by the end of her day.


This was the most appropriate Kmart image I could find. (via Kmart)

Everything in this story is taken from the police report uncovered by The Smoking Gun.

At 10:22 a.m. on Tuesday, a woman named Melissa Jacobson, who had just spoken to the customer service desk, walked over to aisle #1 of the Racine, WI Kmart. There, cameras saw...stuff.

"She loosened her pants and squatted down. Approximately one minute later, she is seen reaching for paper towels."



"Oh, not much. Just taking a number two in aisle one, if you know what I mean."

But that wasn't the only paper trail she left. She had unfinished business.

"When Jacobson was finished, she is seen approaching the customer service desk again, which she is then seen walking away from... At roughly 10:25 a.m., the video captures Jacobson approaching the customer service desk again and completing a return."

I mean, clearly this is a busy woman who has errands to run, otherwise she would have used the public restrooms 50 feet away. According to the security guard who cracked this case, Christopher Vokes, Jacobson shops there all the time, "so she should know where the restrooms are located."

Sources: The Smoking Gun