A guide to emotional eating for every type of bad feeling.

A guide to emotional eating for every type of bad feeling.
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Trying to cover up your emotions with food is much like burying a body in a shallow grave near your home.

Sure, you've gotten rid of it for the time being, but chances are, it's going to come back to haunt you again real soon. However, that's because most people emotionally eat with the refinement of a hillbilly gorging on an extra-large tub of popcorn chicken. Like the right wine pairings, to truly cover up those emotions, you need the right kind of food.

Emotion #1: Shame.

When most people shame eat, they head straight for the sweets, but ice cream and cake are the missionary position of emotional eating: it gets the job done but where is the artistry? The panache? No, to cover up the sting of shame, you need something stronger, something with genuine virtuosity: a heavily-sea salted potato chip.

A guide to emotional eating for every type of bad feeling.

Only the acrid, mineral taste of the ancient ocean can wash away that faux pas you made at the holiday party when you went in for a hug when your boss went to shake hands, and only the joy of fried starch can rest your mind when it turns to the time you told your friend you loved her and she just stared at you with a horrified look.


Emotion #2: Sadness.

Sadness is a hole from which it is difficult to escape. But what do we do with holes? Fill them in! With sadness, emotional eating isn't about taste but density. I mean, would you rather fill in a pothole with water or cement? Cement! Now, to fill in that sadness, cake could work, but none of that light 'n' fluffy garbage.

A guide to emotional eating for every type of bad feeling.

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This needs to be cake with the density of a collapsing neutron star. Giant plates of ribs or those putrid-looking massive hamburgers in those commercials will also work, or a full bag of potato rolls covered in that hazelnut savior Nutella.


Emotion #3: Ennui.

A guide to emotional eating for every type of bad feeling.

Drink that sucker down, and then let's see how weary your existential situation is making you. You'll barely be able to form words let alone be able to mope about existence.

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Emotion #6: Frustration.

Frustration can be felt through gritted teeth and with a feeling of agitation right below the surface of the skin. It's an emotion right on the verge of bursting out, and thus the food needed to suppress it is the equivalent of the straps holding a frothing mental patient to a gurney. Maybe your parents handed you their guest list for your wedding, and even though you've told them you want a small affair, their list is 10 pages long. I don't care if the Abramsons once invited you for brunch, I don't want them at the wedding! Anyway, with such a surface emotion, the only way to pull it inward with with stretchy foods: your Fruit Roll-Ups, your licorice laces, taffy—both of saltwater and freshwater variety.

A guide to emotional eating for every type of bad feeling.

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Only the elasticity of these foods can properly tie these feelings down, like a mustache-twirling villain tying a damsel to the railroad tracks. And look, here comes the 4:15 to Tulsa!


Emotion #5: Excitement.

Now, you might be asking yourself, why would you ever want to cover up excitement? Oh, you naive asswipe. Emotions of all varieties, even good emotions, can be too intense. And when reality fails to meet the expectations that your excitement build up, you become disappointed. To cut this worse emotion off at the pass, you need to treat that excitement like George treats Lennie at the end of Of Mice and Men. (I've never read it, but we all get the reference, right?) Bang bang. You get it. The point is, because excitement bubbles out of you, you need something that will flatten your body's natural carbonation, and sop it up. And that something is binge eating an entire large pizza from Fabrizio's on Staten Island.

A guide to emotional eating for every type of bad feeling.

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"But I can barely eat three slices," you might rightly say, and to that I say, "Coward!" Only when you are lying bloated on the floor, regretting those last few slices will you ever be emotionally balanced enough to truly greet the world as it is. And remember, all emotional eaters get 10% off of any plain pie at Fabrizio's!

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