How different states are handling people who may have been exposed to Ebola.

How different states are handling people who may have been exposed to Ebola.
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How different states are handling people who may have been exposed to Ebola.

Federal law allows each state to institute tougher quarantine laws than the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends. Here's how we can expect certain states to handle their quarantine of people who may have been exposed to Ebola:

Arizona: Health care workers returning from West Africa allowed to enter state, but Ebola virus forced to leave unless it can prove citizenship 

California: Put on 21-day FODMAP cleanse

Colorado: Given medical marijuana, ordered to hang out at home until "everything's chill"

Florida: Monitored until they are once again able to ride a motorcycle naked on bath salts without throwing up 

Georgia: People asked real nicely to stay at home, but nobody's going to make them or anything

Hawaii: Forcibly quarantined on a gorgeous beach in Kailua-Kona for as long as they can convince public health officials to let them stay there

Idaho: Quarantined at home, with twice daily visits from Buster Poindexter, who will perform "Hot Hot Hot" and then personally test them for an elevated temperature

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Louisiana: Will serve out 21-day quarantine in large, public place where people can be easily monitored all together: the Superdome

Maine: Taken out to the woods and told they'll be collected in spring if they manage to survive the winter

Minnesota: Ebola virus lulled into safe hibernation stage by playing recordings of Garrison Keillor's voice on repeat

Montana: Residents required to continue living at least 50 miles apart

Nebraska: Off-season corn mazes to be turned into Ebola quarantine mazes

New Jersey: Governor Chris Christie to personally shout at Ebola in affected person's blood until it gets annoyed and leaves

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New York: If Ebola can make it here, it can stay

North Dakota: Anyone suspected of having Ebola immediately deported to South Dakota

South Dakota: Anyone suspected of having Ebola immediately deported to North Dakota

Texas: Issued a handgun to use in self-defense against any viral strands that try to invade their bloodstream

Washington, D.C.: Quarantined inside Oval Office to prove to public there's nothing to fear, subjected to twice daily photo-ops

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

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