Hey everyone, let's all take special care to be safe out there this New Year's Eve. We don't need any unnecessary casualties in the first few minutes of 2015. That means no drinking and driving, no dabbling in designer street drugs, and most importantly, taking the time open our midnight champagne bottles properly.
You might not realize it—engaged as you'll be in the heady excitement of a fresh wall calendar—but those corks fly away at an alarming velocity. I'm no physicist, but I'm relatively certain one of those suckers will go right through your skull given the right trajectory.
So, be smart! Open your champagne from a safe distance by utilizing the percussive power of a .50 caliber heavy machine gun, as is demonstrated in the following helpful video:
This holiday message has been brought to you by The Ted Nugent Society for a Safer America.