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Holster that thing.

The newspaper police crime blotter is like a way more interesting version of Facebook. It strips away the announcements about your friends' toddlers and all the screeds from your uncle about Gaza, and only presents the most unsavory behavior of your neighbors. It's all the goings on in your hood that made someone call the cops.

The police blotter always delivers, and sometimes, as in the item about one man from Northhampton, MA, it can be the best thing you'll read all day:

Sources: Daily Hampshire Gazette | Boston.com