Starbucks says forget that birthday cake coffee, try blended kale instead.

Starbucks says forget that birthday cake coffee, try blended kale instead.
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Starbucks is launching a new line of healthy smoothies in stores, to balance all your mocha syrup latte grande Crisco blends.

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Starbucks: they have healthy options. (via Getty)

If you were wondering how Starbucks was going to top a birthday cake flavored Frappucino, then here's the answer: with kale. Ahhh, cruel fate that has brought us to this pass! Not sure what's going on with CEO Howard Schultz, but this, plus the #RaceTogether campaign points to some sort of crisis. How do you turn your empire's power to good, Mr. Schultz? By forcing them to confront racism in the time it takes to order a coffee? Or by rolling out healthy smoothie options for your sugar-addled customers? None of these hard-hitting questions would have flown in the Starbucks Newsroom, which released a statement reading:

In 2014, Starbucks began testing three Evolution Fresh™ Smoothies in select Starbucks stores. After whirring up thousands of smoothies in San Jose and St. Louis, today, Evolution Fresh will bring a new take on smoothies to the $2.2 billion smoothie category[1] with the launch of Evolution Fresh™ Smoothies which are made from simple, nutritious ingredients with nothing added that nature didn't put there. Delivering 20 percent or more of recommended daily combined fruit and vegetable servings, the smoothies are made to order in three flavors including Sweet Greens, Strawberry and Mango Carrot, with the option to add fresh kale upon request.

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Go green or go home and make a cup of coffee. (via Thinkstock)

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Yes, gonna get Evolution Fresh Trademarked, baby. And awesome that we can add kale. Can we also add about 5 squirts of simple syrup? Thank you for once again making me a better person, Starbucks, and also for pre-masticating all my fruits and vegetables.

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