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Workers at Boston's Old State House trying to fix a water leak accidentally unearthed a time capsule from 1795 that they believe was put there by none other than Paul Revere and Sam Adams, as well as William Scollay (all Massachusetts Governors). They plan to x-ray the box on Sunday, but so far no one knows exactly what's inside.

If we had to guess, here's what historians will find:

  • A 220-year-old fart that Adams put there right before shutting the box.
  • Dick portraits from our horniest founders.
  • Revere's 143 pristine hoop-and-stick collector's cards, including a rare All Star Hoop Roller Arthur Marshall.
  • A political cartoon against (people without) money in politics.
  • Small portrait of an adorable cat titled "Don't Tread on Meow."
  • An IOU from Benedict Arnold.
  • A copy of a newspaper from 1795, including an op-ed titled "22 Awesome Reasons Why Boston Will Only Keep Getting More Important" by a Mr. B. Feed, esq.
  • One 1795 penny that already wasn't worth shit.
  • A roll of film with priceless photographs of our nation's founding fathers predating the first known photo by 31 years, which no one today will be able to get developed anywhere.
  • An angry rant about how if women want to play board games, they should learn to deal with verbal harassment.
  • A map to the poets homes.
  • A time capsule from 1595 that no one could pry open back in 1795, but which they hoped strong men of the future would be able to break the lid off of.
  • Decoded versions of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence with the treasure maps pointed out, in case somehow people were too dumb to find it.
Sources: Independent