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If you're in New York and want a massage that's guaranteed to leave you more tense than you've ever felt in your life, get to Union Square right now! The creepy part isn't even the massage. It's when you find out what he keeps in that Trader Joe's bag. The massage is quite wonderful actually, except for when he leans in close and whispers the most traumatic things he witnessed as a child. But seriously, bargain hunters, get to the park and get loose!