by Bob Powers
First of all, do not beat yourself up over the fact that you've been doing these things wrong. You're human, dammit! The beauty of humanity is in the flaws, the blemishes, the endless spiral of failure. You were just being you! Glorious, beautiful, completely incorrect you!
Now let's get to all the stuff you've been doing wrong...
1. You’re doing it wrong: Murder
You probably think guns are the right way to murder. Nope. Poison. Undetectable poison.
2. You’re doing it wrong: Sex
Everyone grew up being told sex is supposed to happen in a field in Tuscany between a curious young adult on vacation with her parents and the Italian boy tutor her parents hired to teach her the language. WRONG!
7 steps to great sex that no one knows about yet until today.
Step One: Backrub train
Step Two: Everyone lies about how they feel about each other
Step Three: Get naked and trade compliments about each other’s fitness and physical eccentricities. “Weird finger, it makes you special.”
Step Four: Everybody into the bed(s).
Step Five: Rubbing. Some yelling.
Step Six: It’s over. Fill out the questionnaires.
Step Seven: Tell your siblings and teachers.
3. You’re doing it wrong: Job Interviews
You probably go into a job interview and say...
But the real thing to do in a job interview is share a vulnerability that your potential boss can exploit:
Who wouldn’t hire you?
4. You’re doing it wrong: Saying Goodbye To a Dying Parent
Settle old scores.
Ask who their favorite kid was.
Talk about upcoming movies you’re looking forward to seeing.
Let the conversation flow naturally.
Focus on the fun times.
Ask if there are any enemies they’d like you to exact vengeance upon after they’re gone.
Create an agreed-upon system of communication for them to send you a signal that everything’s okay in the afterlife. “If heaven’s cool, make a breeze blow my hat off my head.”
5. You’re doing it wrong: Making Chateaubriand
Chateaubriand is so delicious, most people only make it for special occasions, like wedding anniversaries or after a really good day at the dog track. But if you’re already feeling good, you’re probably not even paying attention to the taste of that succulent center cut with its tangy white wine and shallot symphony of flavor. You’re wasting it!
The way to make Chateubriand is when everything is terrible, so the flavor can clash with the miserable shitstorm that is your life at that moment. Car break down? Make Chateubriand. Second Spouse leave you for your first spouse? Chateubriand time! On your way to an important meeting, did you slip and fall in a pothole full of rainwater and garbage? Take the rest of the day off and make some Chateubriand. It won’t just lift your mood, but you’ll also experience its flavor in the appropriate context: as a delicious flicker of light in a world of darkness.
6. You’re doing it wrong: Washing Dishes
7. You’re doing it wrong: Building A Totem In Fealty To The Dark Lord Satan
You probably think you have to drink the goat’s blood after you’ve sprinkled some of it upon the runes in order for your soul to use the totem as a conduit between yourself and the dark world. Not true, and also, gross.
If you simply mix the blood with a virgin’s tears, and you wear the mixture in an amulet close to your heart for one month, the bond is formed and His Eminent Darkness will gladly claim your soul for His keeping, duh.
8. You’re doing it wrong: Sleeping All Day (Cats Only)
If you’re a cat, you probably think you should sleep all day. No, you should take breaks from sleeping to check for burglars. A growing number of burglaries happen during the day, when the house’s occupants are working, because burglars know if a house’s occupants have jobs to go to, the stuff inside the house is going to be pretty good because they can afford it. You’re their only hope against burglaries, cats (okay, dogs help sometimes). Wake up and hiss at anyone wearing a ski mask who smells devious.
9. You’re doing it wrong: Fighting With A Lover
Lovers often keep their quarrels private, because they think it will bother others. Incorrect. You should always fight with your lover in public, preferably in the street, and in the rain.
It makes everyone listening feel good. Lovers in love who never fight will think, “We love better than they do.” Lovers in love who fight all the time will think, “See, all lovers do this. It’s not us. It’s just love.” Lonely people who aren’t in love will think, “I guess love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m going to stay in and watch every episode of Firefly on Amazon Prime again.” So many people feel a little better because you two flipped out at each other over something. Take it to the streets!
10. You’re doing it wrong: Apprehending Bail Jumpers
Bounty hunters usually try and track down bail jumpers at the home of their significant other because bail jumpers get lonely. So the bounty hunter bursts in with guns drawn and lots of shouting. But bail jumpers are onto that scheme and they know to avoid their lover’s apartment. What to do?
You draw more flies with honey than vinegar. Find out what the bail jumper went to jail for, then place an ad offering that thing for free. If they stole a stereo, post “Free Stereo” on craigslist. If they got caught with drugs, the ad should read, “Free drugs. The good stuff.” If they were willing to go to jail for the thing, they’ll totally respond to an ad offering that thing for free. When they show up to the hotel room you told them to go to, cuff em!
11. You’re doing it wrong: Blowing Out Birthday Candles.
Bet you usually blow out birthday candles like this: Make a wish, take a deep breath, then expel all that air slowly and steadily enough to get every candle on the cake.
The way to blow out birthday candles is to take that deep breath just like you do, then when you’re ready, let the air fly slowly and steadily, as you’re used to. The key is to leave off the make-a-wish part, because there is no order to life and the fact that you even exist is a completely random blip in a vast featureless void of nothing.
12. You’re doing it wrong: Getting Trapped In A Meat Locker With That Coworker At Your Restaurant Job Who You’re Attracted To, Just So You Can Huddle Together To Keep Warm Which Will Then Lead To Sex Or At Least Pre-Sex
The sitcoms lied to you. Getting trapped in a meat locker or refrigerated room is dangerous and should never be done, no matter how much you want to cuddle with that hot new guy on the wait staff who has a girlfriend but who admitted that they were on the outs. If once you’re in there he says he has to stay loyal to his girlfriend, you could both get hypothermia just so he can be true.
If you like him, be direct and let him know. Confidence is always sexier than dying in a room full of frozen beef!
13. You’re doing it wrong: Insurance Fires
Business going downhill, so you’re thinking of starting a fire and making off with the insurance money, right? Who’s gonna know?
The fire inspector, that’s who. If it looks like it was intentional, he’ll know. That’s why you need to frame someone for it.
Pick an enemy. Someone who would have an interest in destroying your American dream of being a small business owner. After you light your business on fire, break into his house and leave matches and lighters and Blu Rays of the movie “Backdraft” all over his house. The police will know they got their guy, you’ll put someone you don’t like in jail for years, and you’ll still get that sweet insurance payout!
14. You’re doing it wrong: Refusing To Reconcile With Shannon
It was so long ago. How many times does she have to apologize before you let her back into your life. Jesus, we’re here on this planet for such a short time, and we’re growing more and more detached from each other with every day. By going out of your way to maintain a distance from someone you really love, you’re just refusing happiness and choosing spite. Call her.
15. You’re doing it wrong: Karate Chops
Sensei say never use Karate to solve a dispute. You learn Karate so you don’t have to use Karate.
Great. Thanks for charging me a couple grand for lessons in something I’m not supposed to use, Sensei.
Look, you learned how to fuck up dudes with your hands so you can fuck up dudes with your hands. Take those hands to the roughest bar in town and bump into a dude at the pool table while he’s trying to sink the 8-ball. He’ll take a swing, you’ll unleash the dragon. You paid for Karate school. Time to get your money’s worth.
16. You’re doing it wrong: Smiling And/Or Frowning
Never let them see what's inside your heart. They'll use it to hurt you. Hide your feelings and they'll be yours forever.
17. You’re doing it wrong: Thinking There's A Right Way And A Wrong Way To Do Things
Like we said at the start, imperfection is beautiful. Mistakes are how we learn to make better mistakes. The life you've lived and the way you lived it is who you are. If you find yourself at the end of your life remembering all the things you could have done differently, guess what?
You're doing it wrong.