14 things you definitely shouldn't think about when meditating.

14 things you definitely shouldn't think about when meditating.

Finally! An Internet list about meditation that's actually helpful.


This lady isn't thinking about ANY of the things listed below. And that means she's better than you. (via Thinkstock)

We've all read enough Internet lists about improving our lives to know that meditation is one of the keys to happiness. But these lists usually don't give a lot of information about how to meditate — they just tell us to clear our minds! To help you out, here's a list of 14 things you definitely shouldn't think about while meditating.

1. What is my boyfriend doing while I'm meditating?

Why doesn't he meditate? Does he think meditating is dumb? Is he going to find another girlfriend who doesn't meditate and who also has short hair that doesn't constantly clog up the shower drain?

2. What was my dad like when he was in college?

Maybe I should ask someone who knew him then? Wait, my dad's college roommate died of a heart attack two years ago — and he was a regular swimmer! How much more time do my parents have left? Have I said everything I need to say to them? Do I have the code to the safe in their house, or when they die, will I be forced to hire an expensive safe-opening service?

3. What if all of my cat's dreams are of a world where I don't exist?

4. What was up with that soup I had at lunch with Taylor?

It was so thick! Holy shit, when I was at the restaurant, I think that instead of saying that the soup was “goopy," I said it was “gooky." Shitshitshit. Who do I need to apologize to? Was anyone Asian at the tables near me? People would still be offended if they aren't Asian, right? If I call the restaurant, can they get me the contact information for the people at those tables by looking it up through their credit card numbers? What if they all paid in cash?


5. Do I really think “While You Were Sleeping" was a good movie?

Or am I just nostalgic? Do I believe in romance? Is love a construct? Can any of us really love anybody, or are we machines built of hunger and hate driven to spew our genes into a womb at all costs?

6. What's the word for dough covered with sauce and cheese?

It's pizza. I just forgot the word “pizza." Do I have early-onset Alzheimer's? Should I stop meditating right now to look up early-onset Alzheimer's on WebMD? Should I go to a doctor even though I got a bronze insurance plan and will have to pay for the entire visit cost out of pocket?

7. Could HBO just put a straight-up porn on air if they had the characters talking about intelligent political moves, and what if they did that and the star looked exactly like me?

8. What's up with bats?

Also, what's up with sonar? What's up with people who can willingly spend months at a time on a submarine? Could I ever go into the military? Am I an awful person for thinking that the answer is no? What if I was on a submarine and had a panic attack and made a mistake at my job and killed everyone except myself? Would people be really mean to me in jail?


9. Is my friend Taylor angry at me?

When I saw her on the street yesterday and I waved to her she didn't wave back and maybe she didn't see me, but maybe she's angry at me? Was she judging me because I said that “While You Were Sleeping" was a good movie? Or is this because of the soup comment? Maybe I should buy her a gift to apologize for whatever I did wrong. Do I have enough money to buy someone a gift right now?

10. What if I have a baby one day and I totally forget that John Wayne Gacy existed and I name the baby John Wayne Gacy and nobody stops me?

11. What's going on in Africa?

Is Ebola still a thing? Genocide? I really should know this. Will our unawareness of world affairs be humankind's undoing? I don't even remember things from American history. How many presidents can I name in order? George Washington. Thomas Jefferson. Adam...s. Harrison… Pancake… Man.


12. Should I start eating breakfast before I meditate instead of after?

13. Do bees sleep?

Or do they just keep moving constantly, and that's why they die so early? Does the fact that I've been doing so much mean that I am going to die early? Was that why my dad's college roommate had a heart attack? What can I take off my to-do list immediately? I could meditate less. Yes! OK.

14. Wait. Am I already dead and just thinking that I'm meditating in order to deal with the crushing truth of my non-existence?

Shit. Shitshitshit.