Being alive is a slow motion parade of humiliation, but some embarrassing moments stain out memories more than others.
Some embarrassing stories are so cringe-inducing we have to let them cool off for months, even years, before we're able to regale them without weeping or puking out of sheer humiliation.
Luckily, the most painful and cringe-inducing embarrassing stories eventually become the happy hour staples, the best anecdotes to make a room of people laugh (or currently, a Zoom room of people laugh).
In a popular Reddit thread, people jumped on to share their most embarrassing stories, and you should be warned many of these are graphic.
When I was 13 a doctor wrote me an adult dose for a certain medicine based on my weight. I was a fat kid. Our body does not work that way and the medicine ended up constipating me...for a month. I did not sh*t for a whole month. I got sick.
I had racoon-like eyes, my stomach would jump or flutter by itself, I had cramps, etc. It was bad. I was miserable.
I finally told my parents how long it had been since i had shit and they freaked out and took me to the hospital. There, they gave 3 enemas back to back. After the third and final one, all that water softened all that shit up just enough i could expel it. I ran to the nearest bathroom, gown open in the back, and tried to make it to the toilet. I didn't.
My a*s was hovering at a 45 degree angle above the toilet when the geyser burst. This next part is not a lie, but i know some of you will think it is, I got sh*t everywhere. On the ceiling (somehow), on the floor, the toilet was covered, the walls, even the sink got hit with some spray. Sh*t was literally, yes literally, sprayed on all walls and ceiling. It was everywhere.
I felt like a new kid after that. Cleaned myself up the best * could and then had to figure out what to do. There was no way I could clean it all up, I needed a janitor. So I walked out and politely told a nurse the bathroom need a clean up and badly.
A janitor was only a few rooms down for some reason so I saw him go by to clean it, but he did not know who I was, he got to the bathroom and the whole ER heard, 'Oh Hell no, I ain't cleaning this up. I quit.' and he did. I felt so bad, still do. I made some poor janitor quit his job over a sh*t-caked bathroom.
My most embarassing moment happened while I was working at a camp for the summer. I was a camp runner, meaning that I was the guy that drove into town for whatever reason. At night I'd sleep in a room with about 10 other guys, and the bathrooms were big and always busy, so I was completely abstinent nearly the entire summer.
So one day I got a call that I had to pick up a camper girl who had been bitten by a spider and take her to urgent care. It was policy that if I was driving a camper of the opposite sex somewhere, there had to be another adult (18+) of the opposite sex riding with us.
The other adult that came with us was this cute girl that I had had a few conversations with prior. I was somewhat sleep-deprived at the time, and she knew this, so as she had her camp driving clearance and knew the way to the urgent care, she offered to drive, and I accepted.
The camp was in the middle of nowhere, so the ride to the urgent care was pretty long. In that time I fell asleep. I woke up with my dick hard as a rock and the head of it poking out of the leg of my shorts. Before I was able to get my bearings, I felt a surge of pressure and proceeded to ejaculate onto the glove compartment door.
Immediately I heard both a shriek and a girl yell, 'oh God! Holy sh*t no!' I turned and looked at both girls. Both of them had obviously seen what happened and both of their faces were like beet red. The car was absolutely silent for the next 10 minutes apart from the sounds of me attempting to wipe up my semen with an old McDonald's bag. Finally we reached the urgent care, and I dropped them off.
After talking with the girl that drove the next day, I had apparently been hard for like 10 minutes. Both of them were fully aware of it, but both were too embarrassed to wake me up. That was the worst.
tl;dr - Worked at camp. In car with two girls I barely knew. Had wet dream. Ejaculated on glove compartment.
I was 15 and I was at Sam's Club with my parents. I was in the video game section playing some demo on a PS2. I felt like I needed to fart, so I pushed a little. It felt like I had let a silent one out, because I didn't hear it, and it smelled terrible about 2 seconds afterwards, per usual. About 30 seconds later, the smell is still lingering and I was just proud that I had caused that much damage to the air.
My sister  comes up to me and asks where I got the chocolate milk, and how I spilled it on my leg. I look down, there's liquid feces on my right leg (was wearing blue Nike shorts and boxers.) I'm terrified. I have poo on my leg. I casually walk to the bathroom.
Here comes the embarrassing part: I'm in the stall, cleaning up my leg, trying to figure out what the hell to do with my boxers, which are covered in poo water. I can't keep them - the car will smell on the ride home. I can't leave them in the stall - there were people waiting. I had to flush them. Well - apparently boxers don't flush well.
Toilet backed up, flooding the entire stall and spreading to the rest of the bathroom. I'm freaking out, but I'm clean - I got most of the poo off my leg. A janitor has entered the restroom, and I exit the offending stall. He asks what happened, and I can't speak. I should have, because the boxers were still in the toilet - clearly visible. I just casually walk out.
MEANWHILE... my parents were ready to leave, and couldn't find me. They aren't super hover parents, but they got worried, because I wasn't in the video game section, or the candy section.
This ordeal was going on 10ish minutes long. Apparently my sister told them that I walked towards the bathroom with an older man. So, my parents are assuming the worst, and get the security and management involved.
Back to the bathroom. I'm trying to walk out, the janitor finds the boxers and is all huffy-puffy. The manager is walking down the hallway towards the bathroom to try and handle the 'missing child with old man' situation. I'm trying to leave the bathroom to handle the 'holy sh*t, I just poo'd my pants and clogged the toiled with my boxers' situation.
Manager stops me, asks me if I was in any type of 'situation' and I don't know how to answer. I tell him 'there was an incident in the restroom.' He takes that as something happened to me with 'the old man' I was apparently stolen by. He radios the security to contact the police and to have them head towards the restrooms. I freak out - I didn't think flushing my underwear warranted the police getting involved.
My parents get to me - ask if I'm 'OK.' I'm too embarrassed to tell them what happened (still without knowing what their perception of the matter was.) I said 'I'm fine.' Security is rushing over, asking me if 'he's still in there' I have no idea what they are talking about.
They ask me what happened. There is a gathering of rubber-neckers - trying to see what is going on. I'm really confused why this is a huge deal. I confess. I tell them that I mud-butted down my leg, and tried to flush my underwear down the toilet, clogging it in the process.
The looks I got. Worst part was, the police were there in like 5 minutes, and I had to tell them exactly what happened to me. After the 'seriousness' of the situation wore off and everyone realized I wasn't molested by an old man, many laughs were had at my expense.
My father to this day still brings this up - family gatherings, at my wedding, holidays...
TL;DR - Liquid poo ran down my leg, my sister told my parents I was abducted by a molester, clogged toilet, had to tell police I sharted.
Got my wife an early birthday gift, smart phone, first ever for her. She'd been using some old indestructible Nokia forever, I wanted to bring her into the 21 century. Data, social networking, gps etc.
Her actual birthday rolls around, even though I got her the phone, I had nothing for the actual day. After morning out of bed ritual of shower and teeth brushing, I decide to sexy myself up. Oil all over me, tie and some shirt cuffs. [i am nude save be listed attire] (was going for chippendales dancer) Call her back, she is rolling in this, just loves it. Takes a picture with her new phone.
Plot thickens: we go fishing, catch a few head home, filet and cook the fish truly looks like a gourmet meal. Wife takes a picture of the fish with the phone. It's late now day is over wife is off to bed, I decide to stay up and play some video games on the pc.
Before she went to bed she was uploading pictures to facebook, fishing and the meal etc. First image she uploads is my nude shot, thinking it was the prepared fish filets, now titled 'Dinner Yum!!!'
Wife couldn't figure out how to delete this accidental post on the new phone. She screaming running through the whole house to the computer room where I am. Kicks me off forcefully, what I see is to my amazement. Me nude on facebook, already two comments. Post deleted. mission success... wrong
Post was deleted not the mobile upload photo to albums.
Needless to say 13 some odd hours later finding more comments of praise and family disgust, realize what has actually happened.
TL;DR wife got her first smart phone accidentally uploaded a photo of me nude to Facebook where it was viewed by everyone we know.
I sh*t my pants when I headed back to Iraq after 2 weeks R&R. Every time I went back to Iraq from the US, I'd have the worst diarrhea for about 2 weeks. This time was a bit different.
After 3 weeks of liquid sh*t pouring out of my a*s, I decided to go to the military hospital in the Green Zone and see if they could help. I'm waiting in line with other people who have serious maladies and when my turn came I spoke to the waiting medics and told them about my problem.
They in turn announced to anyone in ear shot that I had a 'poopie problem' and 'Do you need some medicine because your butt hole hurts?' 'P*ssy!' They continued to berate me for wasting their time as they had other serious injuries they needed to attend to and at this point everyone in the waiting room is having a good laugh at my expense.
They finally gave me some Flagyl for my guts and some Imodium and told me to get the f*ck out of the hospital and not to come back again until I had a broken bone or gunshot wound for them to work on.
I gladly left and headed out the front door. I started to walk across the street from the hospital to the bus stop and had just put my right foot on the curb to step up from the street and I had to fart. I didn't think anything of it and let it rip.
In an instant, what must have been a gallon of liquid shit rocketed out of my ass, down my pants, filled up my boots, and began pouring out onto the hot asphalt. Now here I am, right foot on the curb, left foot in the street, and frozen in horror in a really twisted Captain Morgan’s pose with sh*t leaking out of my pants.
The bus pulls up to the bus stop and the Pakistani driver opens the door and in his Pakistani accent says, 'Well come on buddy let's go!' I just turned and looked and him and said, 'Nah man, please...please just leave.'
He then proceeded to ask me why I was standing at a bus stop if I didn't want to get on the bus and how illogical that is, etc, etc, etc. He obviously couldn't see the humiliating situation I was in, but at this point, everybody on the bus was looking and they had a bird’s eye view.
So now I'm arguing with the Pakistani driver, the rest of the soldiers on the bus are pointing, laughing, and taking pics. So I finally had enough and told the driver, 'JUST PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE OK?!' So the driver gives me the finger and says 'F*ck you a*shole!' closes the doors and the bus pulls away leaving me still frozen in my Captain Morgan’s pose with the liquid shit creating an ever growing pool around me.
The US embassy (where I stayed) is about a mile away so I suck it up and began walking the longest mile I'd ever walked in my life. It was easy to follow me along my journey because there was liquid shit squishing out of my boots with every step along the way.
So I finally get to the US embassy and if you think the TSA and Homeland Security Nazis at the airport are tough to deal with, you've never been through an embassy checkpoint manned by Marines! Only 10 people are allowed into the checkpoint at a time.
Once inside, a heavy glass and steel door shuts and you have to take everything out of your bag to be x-rayed and searched. You then have to walk thru a metal detector and then get frisked. Once all 10 people have been processed, the exit door opens to this airlock-like room and you can proceed to the embassy grounds.
So needless to say, I'm dreading this obstacle standing in the way between me and my trailer and ultimately showering all of this shit off me, but I knuckle down and get in line. Eventually I make it into the 'airlock' search room and one of the Marines says 'Damn! Who ripped one?!' I humbly raised my hand and told him that it was much worse and I'd 'Had an accident.'
He walks over to me from behind the counter and says 'F*ck man! You're leaking sh*t all over the f*cking floor!' 'What the f*ck dude?' 'One of us has to clean this sh*t up you know!' 'F*cking a*shole!' (2nd time I'd been called that in 30mins) So I apologized profusely while a couple of people are trying to politely conceal their dry heaving and ask the Marines if they could just please let me go on thru.
They replied, 'Oh f*ck no!' 'Not gonna happen!' 'You're gonna get searched just like everybody else f*ckin mc nasty.' So the 2 of them approach me closer (while the other 9 people are watching this spectacle) and proceed to play rock-paper-scissors to find out who’s going to have to frisk my sh*tty a*s.
Rock ultimately triumphed over scissors and a very pissed off Marine donned surgical gloves and frisked me, but only after I walked thru the metal detector leaving a trail of shit behind me of course. After I was frisked and thoroughly searched, I had to wait for everyone else to be searched, etc. It took what seemed like an eternity.
Finally, the door opens and I begin the last 400 yard walk to my trailer while passing people look at me with various expressions of laughter, sympathy, and disgust.
I finally make it to my trailer and was especially quiet as to not wake my room mate, but alas, I wasn't quiet enough and he woke up, sniffed, and said 'Damn man, what's that smell?' 'Did you sh*t yourself or something?'
Now I know he said that half jokingly, but then he wiped the sleep out of his eyes and beheld the horror that had been the past hour of my life, leaking out onto the floor of our trailer. I just said, 'Yeah man, I'll clean it up, but only after I shower if ya don't mind.'
He just shook his head and hacked a bit and then dry heaved a couple of times. I got in the shower fully dressed and proceeded to try and unfuck myself out of this very sticky and smelly situation. After rinsing all fouled clothing and myself repeatedly, I quickly mopped the floors, changed clothes, and bundled up my uniform into a plastic bag.
As I made my way to the dry cleaners, I tossed my boots into a dumpster as there was no way a mile's worth of squished in shit was ever going to rinse out. I also happened to notice bits of the sh*t trail I left along the way and this just added to my utter humiliation. I arrived at the dry cleaners to drop off my uniform and the clerk asked me, 'Why are they wet?'
I told him that I had mistakenly put them in the wash a couple of days ago, but then removed them once I'd realized my mistake and the reason they smelled so bad was probably mildew since they'd sat in a plastic bag for so long. The Indian clerk replied in his Indian voice, 'No my friend, that smells like sh*t.' To which I replied, 'Look man, can you just please f*cking take my clothes and dry clean them?!'
'I'm having a real bad day.' To which he replied, 'Ok ok, friend, but don't be such an a*shole.' Talk about a bad day in Baghdad...
EDIT: TL;DR: Sh*t myself in Baghdad, walked a mile in it, tracked sh*t thru US Embassy security, into my trailer past my roomie, showered fully clothed, and pawned off the sh*tty clothes on the dry cleaners.
Seventh grade Spanish test. It's all quiet in the room. I'm a long haired greasy socially awkward geek. I feel a sneeze coming on but decide to hold it back so as to not draw attention to myself. I try, but cannot contain the sneeze inside. It takes the path of least resistance out of my body- my completely stuffed-up nose.
The sound is incredible. The snot tent is amazing-fully formed spider web of snot between my desk and my face. The classroom turns to look at me and sit in stunned silence. After about ten seconds, the girl in front of me (the hottest 7th grader in school) says loudly 'that's gross!' Everyone laughs. I try to disappear.
A couple of seniors of my high school were pulling into parking lot, before school, in a 'beater F-150'. It was a nice Friday morning and they had come up with this silly plan to do a drive-by mooning of some 'popular girls'. (No doubt to impress) They had done this before so they had a rehearsed plan.
As they proceeded to pull closer to the girls, the driver honks his horn as the passenger drops his pants and sticks his a*s all the way out the window. The passenger felt a nice fart welling up inside at this time, so he decided it would be extra funny to turn this into a drive-by gassing. He executed with precision timing. Here is where it all goes wrong.
The previous day was Senior Ditch Day and he spent much of the previous day consuming copious ammounts of alcohol, apparently passing out a number of times. So when he 'let 'er rip' it was not a bubble of gas he was releasing, so-much-as a torrent of bile and fecal matter, in the form of a geyser.
From five feet away at eye level, he had unleashed 24pk o' shit and hosed the girls. While the first escaped with little damage, the two other girls had taken direct hits. Vomit, screaming and crying was produced by many spectators.
So it's junior year in high school, I'm in first period theology (Catholic school) and I'm tired as hell, ironically. There's a cute blonde sitting in front of me and a cuter redhead in back. Despite being tired, I flirt with both of them before class starts, but more so with the redhead; I'm feeling good about life.
So when class begins, satisfied, I put my head down and descend into the deepest of in-class slumbers. What felt like about half way into class, I'm awoken by the most ungodly sounding flatulence; I mean this was a like a bear fart.
I raise my head, in my drowsy stupor, wondering who it may have been and notice the entire class and teacher are looking towards my side of the class. Being tired, I apathetically put my head back down to sleep, but only to be jolted awake, seconds later, by the realization that it was me! I f*cking farted my self awake!
I mean, I had felt my desk vibrate! Needless to say, that was the last time I ever flirted with the either the blonde or the redhead (who probably got a pretty good idea of what my a*shole smells like), or anyone who was in the class for that matter.
TL;DR: I nearly sh*t myself awake in class.
This one has haunted me for years...
It was the first week of tenth grade, and I was new at my high school. My other new kid friends and I sat down at a table in the cafeteria, and another new girl sat down with us. She was in a wheelchair.
So I expected her to be really timid and introverted, but she was actually sarcastic and funny, introducing herself and making jokes about being in a wheelchair. Example:
Her: 'I'm trying out for field hockey!'
Me: 'Wait, really?'
Her: 'Hahaha no you idiot, I'm in a wheelchair.'
Eventually one of my friends boldly asks her about how she ended up in a wheelchair. She says it was cancer. My friend asks which kind. She responds, 'Leukemia, have you heard of it?'
Now, bear in mind, she was funny. She really was. And cmon, who hasn't heard of leukemia? So my gut reaction to her response was that it must be a joke. I mean, everyone's heard of leukemia!
It was too late. I burst out laughing. I immediately realized what had happened and tried to cover it up by gasping. It only made it worse. Everyone at the table glared at me.
I spent the rest of lunch in absolute silence, and I never spoke to her again.
tl;dr - Don't laugh at leukemia. Ever.
When I was fourteen and almost always thought with my penis, I decided it would be great to masturbate with a condom on, liked how it felt and did it all the time for about a week. They also happened to be my dad's condoms.
Long story short my mom realizes that so many condoms are missing and thinks my father is having an affair, comes crying to me about it and my initial reaction is to deny any speculation that I used the condoms, after realizing that this may end my parent's marriage I ran upstairs and with tears coming from my eyes I explained to my mom that I used them, not for sex, but for masturbating. I cried for an hour.
TL;DR: I used dad's condoms for wanking, mom thought he was cheating, had to tell mom I liked to masturbate with condoms.
Here it goes...I was at work and I had to take the Titanic of sh*ts. I proceed to go to the restroom and sink that sh*t. Before I flush, I always look. But what I saw this time was horrifying. This shit was the size of a toddler's leg. Flushing isn't an option anymore. I panic and start to look for a solution. Outside the stall I look in the trash and find an empty Pringles can.
I proceed to scoop the appendage sh*t. I breathe a sigh of relief. I flush the remainder and walk out of the stall. My co-worker walks in and says 'ooh Pringles! Give me one!'. Before I could say no, she grabs the can and puts her hand in. She freaks out looks inside the can and yells, 'what the f*ck is this!?'....All I could mutter was 'sh*t'.
Edit: I still work there. Yes, I'm a girl. Yes, we poop.
My brother is a f*ckin weirdo. We will just start it like that. Basically, he always found it really funny to run into whatever room someone was in, pull his bare a*s cheeks apart and fart at them and then hysterically laugh at them. I mean, it really was quite funny sometimes...but this one time.
My mom and I were in her room talking and all the sudden my brother BURSTS through the door, spins around, does the obligatory spread, but THIS time something disgustingly magical happened.
The most perfect, spherical ball of sh*t about the size of a large ball bearing shot out of his a*s and landed on the floor in front of us. Silence. Then my mom and I proceeded to laugh so hard we cried and my brother was SO mortified that he started crying and ran out. He was 11. Man that was amazing. Little sh*t never did that again.
This story comes by way of my friend, who was an X-ray tech at the time.
Two guys come in to the hospital, one of them with a vibrator rammed in his a*s. As the doctors are figuring out what to do, the other guy is sort of whining about cramps he has too. He's complaining, but being evasive, so it seems like he's trying to be an attention whore. One of the docs tells my friend to run an X-ray to shut him up.
The X-ray done, my friend is standing behind this little curtain separating her from the patient and trying to process what she is seeing. There are three perfect ovals in his bum. As she tells it, it hits her and she lets out this surprised, 'OH. MY. GOD.'
They were hard-boiled eggs. The guy starts giggling sheepishly. She said they used something that dissolved them to get them out.
BONUS for the straight guys/gals. Later, she said, med personnel are talking about the weirdest things they've seen in the ER. One doc says a guy comes in bleeding profusely at the groin and the girl with him is bleeding from the top of her head. Couldn't figure out how the hell these injuries came about.
Turns out, they were at a restaurant and the girl crawls under the table to blow the guy. She has a seizure and clamps down on his manhood, all while her head is bucking against the top of the table.
Edit: Some folks are saying that the second story is from a book or is a urban myth, either of which might be true. Not my story, just repeating what I heard. Below, Redditor kreternal says the story is from a book called Emergency! by Mark Brown. I found links to the chapters here if anyone's inclined to go through it. (Scroll down.)
I have two, both similar.
I have been caught masturbating by my mother twice. Both times catastrophically embarrassing for me. The first time was nothing unusual. In my bedroom, she knocked and then walked in not a second after (what the hell's the point of knocking?)
I was naked but was able to cover up quickly, but she still knew and walked out. I was 17 and I had older cousins, so she asked my aunt about what to do. She explained what she did with her two older boys when she caught them.
This was of course my more gossipy aunt and proceeded to converse with her other sisters and brothers that my mother had come to her with this advice. Fast forward a couple of weeks to a family birthday party. I feel everyone's eyes staring at me, their glares penetrating my skin.
My older cousin Allison comes up to me and strikes conversation. Eventually asks me, 'So how did she catch you?' I said, 'Um, excuse me?' She replied, 'Your mom caught you masturbating, didn't she?' I suddenly was so overcome with embarrassment that I began to sweat profusely and vomit. Vomit lots, and lots.
Like I said unfortunately there were two times. The second time was a little worse. Our computer is in the living room (I was too poor for a laptop) so I was sitting in the spinny computer chair naked, clothes not even in the room with me. I had gotten home from class a little early and figured I had a few hours before my mom came home from work. I was horribly mistaken.
Unfortunately she had been sick and decided to leave early. I heard keys on the other side of the front door, and I panicked. So I turned the speakers and the monitor off as fast as I could, but stayed seated. When she entered, she saw her son sitting quietly at a blank computer screen, butt as naked with an erection.
Luckily I don't believe she saw that part of me seeing as I stayed facing the opposite direction of her, but still terrifyingly awkward. We avoided speaking and eye contact for about two weeks.
TL;DR Mom caught me masturbating, told my family about it, made me puke. Second time I was naked in the dark, sitting in front of a dark monitor, frozen like a statue as she just walked passed.
Seventh grade, right before school let out for the summer. Out of class early, decided to go get some freezies. Came back with a box of the damn things, couldn't eat them all. Between three of my like-minded & equally bored friends, we decided to start bribing people to entertain us for freezies. Curiousity ensued.
'Hey, we'll give you a freezie if you show us your d*ck~'
It was going along pretty well. Then this one guy refused, but countered with a I'll show you mine if you show me yours thing.
'No way. The going rate is one d*ck per freezie. And there's three of us here! So you better havethree d*cks under your pants.'
Then he tried arguing like, 1 d*ck/freezie is equatable to 1 set of boobs/freezie, which was just plain poor logic, because we had the box of freezies and he didnt. Supply and demand 101.
Anyway, uh, we settled on some exchange of tits vs d*ck, and he delivered first and just as I was lifting up my shirt, my godfather (English teacher, middle school headmaster) rounded the corner into the common lounge where we were, and commented, 'Ah, summer esprit. The birds, the bees, my goddaughter's naked titties. A little flat, but you've some time ahead of you yet. Please give my regards to your father.'
Idk, there was just something about that delivery. So deliberate but aloof. Also, that burning shame ;_;
I live near a pretty congested street and once when I was about 13 my friends and I decided to go for a walk. I was wearing some white jeans as it was summer time and I was trying to look cute. It was the 90s, okay?! Anyway, we're walking around when I realize that hey, I feel funny maybe it's time to head home. I get home and my pants felt a little warm.
I thought meh, it's swass. I go to the bathroom to pee and freshen up and to my shock and horror I had started my period. Bright red blood was ALL over the back of my pants. There was no way people didn't see that. I guess it was less embarrassing because I was oblivious, but I was so ashamed nonetheless.