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20 people share the moment they realized they were a toxic person.

It&#39;s easy to point fingers at other people&#39;s toxic traits, but the sad truth is, most of us have engaged in toxic behavior at some point. So much of being human is striking a balance between our base urges that could hurt ourselves and others, and the parts of us that actively want to live in peace and maturity.While it&#39;s not fun to assess our flaws or negative patterns, the only way to form healthier coping mechanisms is through honesty (which is different than self-flagellation or self-hatred). So, if you&#39;ve been taking emotional inventory and have been sheepish to stare down some of your toxic traits, just know you&#39;re not alone in this process.In a popular Reddit thread, people shared times they realized they were the toxic person, and in some cases, what steps they&#39;re taking to change that.1. From supkby: I always knew I bottled up negative emotions because upbringing, but I had zero self-awareness of how that impacted my treatment of others until it almost ruined a lifelong friendship. Any time I was upset with someone, I wouldn&rsquo;t say anything. I&rsquo;d tell myself I had let it go, but resentment would build up and bleed through in the way I saw that person, how I treated/spoke about them, etc.  It was completely subconscious, and I had no idea I was doing it until I did until one of my closest friends came to me crying because she felt like I bullied her in front of other people. I had never seen it that way, but looking back, any time I felt negatively toward her, I would start acting distant/snippy around her. Since I never communicated where I was at, from her perspective I was randomly treating her like someone I didn&rsquo;t even like.  I thought I was sparing other people the trouble of dealing with my emotions by bottling them up, but I was only sparing myself the trouble of processing those emotions and addressing them. Honest/effective communication is a tough skill to learn if you didn&rsquo;t see it growing up, but it is learnable, and it&rsquo;s part of being a functional adult. 2. From PenniePantoja: Honestly, I still feel like I&#39;m a toxic person at times. I get jealous so easily and don&#39;t have any trust for most people, I always tell myself I&#39;m going to work on it and get better, but I still end up being a jealous mess and can never fix myself. I know it&#39;s not fair for others but my brain just gets overwhelmed and I get sick overthinking things constantly and I turn into a massive snob. I hate myself. 3. From JackaryFudoodle: I have a temper. I&rsquo;m not physically violent, but I get angry and say things I shouldn&rsquo;t say. Or at least historically that&rsquo;s been the case. I&rsquo;ve done my best to work on it.  I was married for 11 years. My ex finally called it quits in 2019. I was so angry and hurt, but I spent some time alone after we split. And when I say alone, I mean really alone. I moved to another state to &ldquo;start over&rdquo; as divorcees often do. Had a job lined up and everything. Then COVID hit. My job became work at home. I was in a state where I knew no one and couldn&rsquo;t even go to the office to see my co-workers. Ya know, the most common way to meet new people when you&rsquo;re new in town. So I was completely alone. Aside from social media, my life was utter f**king solitude for the better part of a year.  During that time I did a lot of reflection, introspection...soul searching I guess you&rsquo;d call it. I realized how toxic my temper was. I realized how much I loved my ex-wife but more importantly, I realized how much my ex-wife truly loved me. How hard she tried to make it work despite my toxic temper tantrums. How much she tried to compromise and meet me halfway. How much she let me get away with that certainly no one who didn&rsquo;t love me to pieces would.  And I&rsquo;d completely taken it for f*cking granted. I let her slip through my fingers. But then I started thinking about how beautiful of a person she is and how glad I was that she&rsquo;d mustered up the strength to finally say enough is enough. She finally chose to work on herself and focus on being happy instead of trying to fix me. I was proud of her.  So maybe 7 months after we split and I was in solitude, many states away, I called her up. We talked for hours. I don&rsquo;t mean 2-3 hours. No we talked for, I sh*t you not, 14 hours. And most of it was me shutting the f**k up and letting her vent. She told me all the things I needed to hear. Things I probably didn&rsquo;t WANT to hear, but needed to hear. And I told her I finally understood why she did what she had to do and apologized as best I could for being such a bastard during our marriage. She accepted my apology, which I didn&rsquo;t deserve, but she&rsquo;s a good person so she did anyway. She told me she forgave me and that she still loved me, just not like she used to. And moreover, she asked me to keep in contact with her, because she still cared very much about me.  So we talk occasionally now. Not super often but maybe once every couple months we&rsquo;ll meet up for coffee or chat on the phone. But I&rsquo;m grateful to her for the things she made me realize. That yes, I&rsquo;m a damaged person but not a bad person. And not an irreparable person. I&rsquo;m still working on me but vowed not to get into another relationship until I can learn to love myself. It&rsquo;s been a tough road, but if you&rsquo;ve got toxic traits, it&rsquo;s one you need to go down. 4. From PotatoGurl07: I was ranting about something to a friend once back in 9th grade. Halfway through one of my points, she just interrupted me and said &ldquo;Wow, you are such a pessimist&rdquo; and nonchalantly walked away. I wasn&rsquo;t even mad about it, but I was left dumbfounded. Her saying that really helped me look at myself and how much I honestly just complained and complained to everyone around me. I want to believe I&rsquo;ve become far more pleasant to talk to since then. 5. From AlterEdward: I was having a clear out and found my girlfriend&#39;s old iPhone. I switched it on to see if it worked, which it did. I started going through her messages and found stuff from her ex, some s*xual in nature. I felt angry, and immediately realized I had no right to be. No cheating had happened or anything. I just didn&#39;t like the idea of her with another guy. I knew logically that that was a sh**ty thing to think, and it caused me to re-evaluate myself and my jealous and possessive tendencies. She&#39;s not mine. She chose to be with me, and that&#39;s all that matters. 6. From lineman77:  When I overheard a couple of people genuinely saying nice things about me, even though they thought I wasn&#39;t anywhere around them. I kind of just operate on the assumption that people do not like me, do not want me around, and think I am a burden. Because of this, I tend to keep to myself. I don&#39;t really reach out to anyone outside of 1 or 2 people. I don&#39;t put myself in any positions to be sociable and build friendships. I just do my own thing because I don&#39;t think anyone else actually wants me there.  Well, there was one night where a couple of guys were talking about the fact that I&#39;d gone out with the group finally, and they wished I do that more because they thought I was a fun dude to be around. When I heard them say that, I was floored. No reason to think they&#39;d feel that way before but now that I knew they did, it made me reflect on the sh**ty behavior and mindset I&#39;d had all this time.  I&#39;d argue it is both toxicity and depression. I definitely have a slew of mental issues I deal with, and have been dealing with for a very long time. But I would still say this thinking and behavior is toxic. I essentially sabotage my own potential social life. In the instance I posted above, I had people who wanted me around and wanted to hang out and I was just assuming the entire time it was the opposite. Not only am I depriving myself of a social life, I deprive others who may actually want me around. Even after that experience, I have not been able to kick this. Some days are worse than others, but I&#39;ve just gotten so used to being by myself that I&#39;d almost feel even worse/more uncomfortable if I were to somehow make a group of friends. 7. From PeligrosaPistola: My toxic trait is cutting people out of my life based on conflicts that could easily be resolved. Now, sometimes ex-communication is necessary. But not every time. And not when the friendship/relationship has been otherwise positive for several years before the conflict.  I got it from my mom. Thanks to a wonderful therapist, I learned it&#39;s her coping mechanism, not mine. I&#39;m free to forgive, forget and amend bonds as I wish without her approval. I figured it out last year when I wanted to reach out to an old friend but didn&#39;t want to hear her reaction. So I didn&#39;t tell her. I reached out anyway and now I have my friend back. : ) 8. From ByTheBeardOfBruce: When I realized that one of the nicest people I know started talking like me and hating things. 9. From Papermannnnn: So I met this English lad a few years ago on ps3 We were mates for a few years until 2018 where he started playing fortnite and we disassociated for two years, In 2020, he invited me to his fortnite team discord (Team Vaye) and he immediately promoted me to head player even though I&rsquo;m trash at fortnite. So I went into a voice call to ask why did he promote me, he ended up having a mental breakdown about how I controlled him for years and I was an asshole. I left the call and looked at old recordings of us playing, I was a manipulative bastard without knowing, getting holds over him and shouting at him for playing without me, looking back I&rsquo;m pretty sure I had anger issues but that really made me switch up my act, for good. 10. From 1_triplet_2_and_uh: When I realized my laid back, happy-go-lucky outside was a facade that was shielding my inner turmoil. Then I realized how many mistakes I had made along the way were actually poor choices made by a self-destructive a**hat. Loneliness was probably my catalyst for introspection. Depression is the price for my sins I guess. Karma is a b**ch. I try a lot harder to be kind and wholesome these days. Old habits die hard. 11. From Frothy_moisture: When I was finally diagnosed as BPD (after almost 10 years of mis-diagnosis), and I learned that people with BPD are often toxic without having the insight to realize it. 12. From LackDecent: When I started noticing that the messages I sent were filled with the word &quot;I&quot; but there&#39;s a huge lack of &quot;you.&quot; I also realized at the same time that I sound so much like my mom who is the most toxic person I know. 13. From asterixmagic: When I was being a grumpy, negative person who always played the victim. Therapy gave me tips to get out of that behaviour. 14. From B**chesPerSquareFoot: Well, as a kid everyone told me I was mean. And I thought, hey, I&#39;m trying my best. A year after my parents&#39; divorce and I was completely off the rails. I would yell, get angry over nothing, scream, break things, hit myself. I had some real anger issues. All I thought about was &quot;why can&#39;t everyone leave me alone and stop pissing me off!&quot; I went to therapy, per my parents&#39; request, and my therapist taught me how to cope. She taught me how to compartmentalize my feelings, to process them and then let them go. I still struggle, and it&#39;s been 6 years, but I&#39;m so much better now it&#39;s insane. 15. From Siyah-Hidayat: I used to gaslight before I even knew what gaslighting was. And I&#39;ve been doing it since like I was 10. Then a few months ago my neighbor who is just as toxic as me says &quot;hey, this is what you do!&quot; I read the term and was like &quot;oh ya sh*t!&quot; I got older and found out that a lot of my friends would not gossip about me because I &quot;was crazy and would probably kill them&quot; and they often called me a sociopath.  I never realized that people were intimidated by me but my neighbor and I are trying to change ourselves for the better. But it&#39;s hard when you just don&#39;t realize your bad traits and people are afraid to point them out. 16. From liverpool222222: I am great at making friends, bad at keeping friends. Basically, the way I see it is over time once I get comfortable and start acting like &quot;me&quot; is when people stop wanting to do anything with me, so I just make new friends. This has gone on for ~20 years now so I have almost a friend graveyard I scour through every once in a while on Steam/Facebook/Instagram to see what people are up to.  I think I just start hating a specific person in a group for minor things they do and I, without realizing it, start acting like a dick to them. Eventually, everyone probably sees me as an a**hole so I move on.  I don&#39;t intend to change though honestly. I actually prefer new fresh friends over old friends I&#39;ve run out of things to talk about with. It sucks if I ever need an extra pair of hands for things or need connections to get something done or get into something, but it&#39;s great in that I never have any baggage to deal with. I get really bored of living in a specific area and move almost every 3 years, so not needing to worry about &quot;losing friendships&quot; is really nice. 17. From Vegetable_Month_8293: I was at a point in my life where I was not satisfied with my work situation and felt like I was stagnating, while everyone around me was progressing. I was also infatuated with someone who I had once had a hookup with which didn&#39;t go any further than a one night thing. Both of these meant I was drinking a lot, and picking arguments with friends when I was drunk. Those arguments spilled into regular life, and any perceived or real personal slight was blown way out of proportion. If a friend of mine got a promotion or a good performing opportunity (there&#39;s a lot of creative arts people in my social group), I was consumed with jealousy and felt like I would never be good enough for anything.  As I was in a minimum wage job in an environment I didn&#39;t want to progress in, I wanted to change jobs, but out of the options I had, I didn&#39;t know what I wanted to do, and was scared of making the wrong move. The personal issues were mounting up though, and I began to realize that if I continued to behave in the way that I did with my friends, I would lose them. I didn&#39;t want to sacrifice those irreplaceable relationships for the sake of a shitty job, so I quit without a backup plan. In a stroke of luck, I was contacted by what would have been my next employer the day before I handed in my notice, so even though it was a temp company, I wasn&#39;t out of work.  After quitting and moving into a different field, I realized things about myself and my relationships with my friends which I probably wouldn&#39;t have done if I stayed put. The jealousy thing went away when I realized that A) giving genuine support to friends when they find success strengthens our friendship, and B) other people finding success does not mean that I am failing. My previous mindset was like it was a competition or a binary thing - someone winning means I lose - when that&#39;s really not the case.  Since then, I&#39;ve calmed down a lot. I fixed the relationships which I had damaged, and was honest with people that I had been in a bad place mentally. A few years down the line, those same friends all said that they had quarter-life crises around the same time, and while it didn&#39;t manifest itself in the same way, they all had a point where they felt like they weren&#39;t getting the most out of life. Personally, that covetous side is still kind of under the surface, but I try to use other peoples&#39; success as a source of inspiration rather than feeling sorry for myself. 18. From Itsrafelly: My ex, she made me realize I was being ignorant and I&#39;m glad I got exposed it for it, still trying to recover and make myself a better person, it got brought out in my relationships, it always does and because of it I f**king ruin it. 19. From jenskal: When I realized that just as people can bring out the best in each other, toxic people can also egg each other on and bring out the worst. I was chatting too much and spending time with this one female friend who constantly made fun of others and was just negative in general. I found myself falling into those patterns until one day I was like...why am I doing this? I had become a totally different person. We just egged each other on. So, I wound up severing the relationship for those reasons. I didn&#39;t like myself when I was with her. 20. From Brotherbeam: Some years ago I was in some altercation on Twitter with a gay couple, and I can&rsquo;t remember the specifics of it, but it got to the point where one of them asked me why I cared so much about whatever the conversation was about, and my answer was something along the lines of me not understanding homosexuality to the point where I was testing it by asking certain things and testing limits or something like that. Either way, I looked back on it and was like &ldquo;wait... why the f*ck am I treating this couple like some sort of lab experiment for me to poke at and look for responses? This is toxic as f*ck.&rdquo;  I wanna say that was like 5 or 6 years ago or something. I feel crappy about it still because it was someone who made content I actually enjoyed, but I still felt some bizarre need to experiment with them because of my ignorance.      