5. Madonna, because she lost the lawsuit over her love letter from Tupac.
If Madonna wants to keep the love letter the late rapper Tupac Shakur sent her in 1995, she's going to have to bid on it like the rest of us.
A judge ruled today that Madonna had waited too long to sue for the return of some of her personal items that went missing after she moved out of her Miami house in 2004.
In the suit, Madge claimed that she didn't realize that some of her most personal possessions were indeed missing until the auctioneer Gotta Have It! Collectibles put up the Tupac letter, a hairbrush with her hair still in it, a pair of her panties, and other memorabilia back in July.
Madonna sued the auctioneer, Darlene Lutz, but Manhattan Supreme Court Judge Gerald Lebovits ruled that she waited too long to do so, because of New York State's short statute of limitations (AKA she snoozed, and thus lost).
"Mere ignorance or lack of discovery of the wrong is not sufficient to toll the statute," Judge Lebovits wrote in his ruling.
If she has the money, she might be able to get her underwear back from a creep and her hairbrush out of the hands of someone who wants to use it to clone her.
4. Smallville actress Allison Mack, because she has her bail hearing today after being arrested for sex trafficking.
In what is truly the strangest edition of "Where Are They Now?" yet, Allison Mack of the Superman prequel Smallville has spent the past decade allegedly recruiting women to serve and have sex with a man named Keith Raniere.
Last month, Raniere was charged with sex trafficking through the "self-help" organization he founded called NXIVM (pronounced nex-e-um, the pretentiousness the least of their worries). Nxivm (ugh) was established in 1998, and has an official sex cult division called DOS ("dominus obsequious sororium," which is Latin for "master over the slave women" and also totally insufferable).
Mack has been accused of luring women into the cult under the guise of a "female empowerment group," then later entrapping them through blackmail material and grooming them for sex with Raniere.
According to The New York Post, Mack "also acted as a 'master' to other slaves, who were starved and branded like cattle":
As Raniere’s initials were being burned into their pubic regions with a cauterizing pen, Mack allegedly put her hands on their chests and told them to 'feel the pain' and to 'think of [their] master.
Last Friday, Mack pleaded "not guilty." In the American justice system, one is presumed to be innocent until proven to have burned a cult leader's initials onto a woman's genitals.
Mack is set to appear in a Brooklyn federal court for a bail hearing today.
3. Princess Charlotte, because she's not the royal baby anymore.
Princess Charlotte just made history as the first female royal to keep her position in the line of succession despite the birth of a baby brother, but no changes to the Succession to the Crown Act of 2013 can spare her the life of a middle child.
Welcoming a new sibling a younger sibling and being trapped as a middle child is difficult enough for everyone (please say it is and that I'm not just projecting). Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge has the added stress of her demotion from The Baby of the Family to The Middle Child be international news.
She might be fourth in line for the throne, but now she's third in line for her parents' attention.
2. The old lady who was caught pushing around a dead body in a shopping cart.
The Chicago Sun-Times reports that an elderly woman was found in the South Side of the city pushing around a shopping cart that just happened to have a dead body in it.
"Officers responded to a well-being check at 7:53 p.m. in the 8600 block of South Calumet and found the woman with the body of a female, whose identity and age was unknown, Chicago Police said," according to the Sun-Times.
Among the many other mysteries of this story include:
1. Who was the lady pushing the cart?
2. Who was the lady in the cart?
3. How long was the dead lady dead?
4. How did the dead lady become dead?
5. Is this real or just production on the all-female Weekend at Bernie's reboot?
1. The woman who was charged $500 for grabbing a free apple.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but not United States Customs and Border Patrol.
ABC7 reports that Crystal Tadlock, a woman who picked up a free snack on her flight from Paris, had to pay a $500 fine when she forgot to declare it after landing.
"He had asked me if my trip to France was expensive and I said, well yeah, I didn't understand why he was asking that question, and he said 'it's about to get a whole lot more expensive after I charge you $500," Tadlock said.
Tadlock adds that she thinks Delta should warn their passengers about the dire consequences of taking the apple off the plane, or just not serve contraband produce at all.
The fine makes the fruit the most expensive apple that isn't a computer.