5.Queen Elizabeth II, because her Large Adult Son Prince Andrew is stinking up the monarchy with the Epstein scandal. "And I thought Charles's tampon thing was bad..." ShutterstockAnyone who has watched The Crown knows that Queen Elizabeth II's job is to look stable while weathering every major conflict of the 20th century, which continues as her reign endures through the 21st.The latest headache for the 93-year-old comes courtesy of her second son Prince Andrew, who was close friends with notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, who is now serving time in Hell. A picture famous in both news reports and court documents showed Andrew in 2001 with a then-17 year old, who later claimed that she was paid to have sexual relations with the prince.Court documents via The Washington PostBuckingham Palace never explained the photo, but released a statement today saying that Prince Andrew is "appalled" by reports of his buddy's sex abuse. People find it hard to believe that Epstein's activities came as a surprise to Andrew, considering the photo above and a recently unearthed video that showed him chillin' in the convicted pedophile's Manhattan mansion.EXCLUSIVE: Prince Andrew is pictured inside pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's $77million Manhattan mansion of depravity https://t.co/psTVdkclUy pic.twitter.com/HeFiCNVX3u— Daily Mail US (@DailyMail) August 17, 2019 Not only did Andrew hang out with Epstein on both sides of the Atlantic, he also reportedly had Epstein and his co-conspirator/girlfriend Ghislaine Maxwell at both Windsor Castle and Balmoral, a huge honor for any commonor. The Royal House of Windsor has survived being associated with Nazis, so it likely will manage to keep their faces on the British pounds through Prince George's coming-of-age. But will taxpayers put up with this posh group of sexual deviants paid to represent them? We know how much the Brits love referendums.4. Chrissy Teigen, because she got sick with altitude sickness. Flying high. ShutterstockChrissy Teigen is a supermodel cookbook writer with the EGOTting husband and cutest kids in the world, but her body is fragile just like yours and mine. Teigz visited her home state of Utah for a friend's wedding, and got sick with a painful case of altitude sickness.She had a bad case of angioedema, which is the fancy term for swollen lip, but not the glamorous kind a la Kylie Jenner. Teigen's was "hard like glass," which sounds painful.did u know angioedema can be triggered from altitude sickness? learn something new every day! my lip about to explode. goodbye world pic.twitter.com/3uMfbCJYn5— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 17, 2019 It’s so big it’s shiny and hard like glass — christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 17, 2019 Teigen addressed the bride and groom in a video, joking, "Why have you chosen to get married in a place...that would try to destroy me?"this is premeditated murder if you ask me pic.twitter.com/ql3SwETQiJ— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 17, 2019 Being sick sucks. Being sick at a friend's wedding sucks even more.3. The Florida Man who got busted for selling ecstasy pills shaped like Trump's head. Trump is a tough pill to swallow. Clearwater Police DepartmentOrange pill bad.Brendan Dolan-King, a suspected drug dealer, was arrested in Clearwater, Florida for narcotics possession. Dolan-King had previously been busted for selling ecstasy tablets shaped like Darth Vader, and updated his stock to include the head of an even more menacing villain: President Donald Trump.The Smoking Gun reports that "Dolan-King was charged Friday with the narcotics raps after lab tests confirmed that a tan powder seized was fentanyl and that the Trump pills contained MDMA. Dolan-King has been in custody since late-June--when the drugs were found--on marijuana possession with intent to sell and probation violation counts."Finally: somebody is facing consequences for a Trump-related crime.2. Wendy Williams, because she was banned from 50 Cent's party. I don't want to be In Da Club that would have me as a member. ShutterstockMiddle school never ends. Wendy Williams was turned away from 50 Cent's party because he doesn't like that she talks about him on her show.The "In Da Club" rapper hosted a soiree at New Jersey club BarCade and declared it a Williams-free zone.50 Cent's pettiness level: he shared a video on Instagram of the line, and you can hear a woman narrate, "Wendy Williams not being able to get in." Complete with thinky face and eyebrow-raise emojis, 50 Cent wrote, "you can’t just show up to my PARTY if you been talking about me. B*TCH wait out side [sic]." View this post on Instagram 🤔you can’t just show up to my PARTY if you been talking about me. 🤨BITCH wait out side #lecheminduroi #bransoncognac #TheKing🍾 A post shared by 50 Cent (@50cent) on Aug 18, 2019 at 5:36pm PDTWilliams can be spotted wearing a Yankees hat, stuck outside with the riffraff like somebody who doesn't have their own talk show.It looks like Williams may have pulled an Ivanka Trump and Instagrammed as if she made it to the main event. She shared a picture of her and Snoop Dogg in what appears to be a lobby, and she would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for 50's post. View this post on Instagram Legends! A post shared by Wendy Williams (@wendyshow) on Aug 18, 2019 at 5:42pm PDT InstagramWilliams was going to get into that party or die tryin'.1. The Florida Man who was arrested for chugging an entire bottle of $7 wine in a Walmart bathroom. Joe Pesci, is that you? Pinellas Park PoliceWhat a week for Florida Men!Ty Kelley was arrested by Pinellas Park Police for allegedly stuffing a $6.98 bottle of wine down his pants, chugging it in the store bathroom, and then trying to leave the Walmart without paying.Even more embarrassing? The wine was a Riesling, according to court documents. Kelley was booked into the Pinellas County Sheriff's Office jail and held on a $250 bond.Here's hoping he remembers to pay for the champagne when he celebrates getting out.
