News

<p>The people having the worst Mondays today are the victims of the two mass shootings. The gunman in <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2019/08/05/us/dayton-monday-shooter-stopped-in-seconds/index.html">Dayton, Ohio killed nine people in 30 seconds,</a> The <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/how-do-you-stop-these-people-trumps-anti-immigrant-rhetoric-looms-over-el-paso-massacre/2019/08/04/62d0435a-b6ce-11e9-a091-6a96e67d9cce_story.html?utm_term=.6d8624316b39">El Paso shooter was a white supremacist terrorist</a> targeting a Hispanic community and left a manifesto that was product of putting<a href="https://splinternews.com/who-said-it-the-el-paso-shooter-or-fox-news-1836951059?utm_campaign=socialflow_splinter_twitter&amp;utm_source=splinter_twitter&amp;utm_medium=socialflow&amp;__twitter_impression=true"> Fox News&#39;s racist rants</a> and the president&#39;s tweets in a violent blender.</p><p>In this column, we make fun of celebrities who still have it better in every conceivable way, while making fun of people who deserve it. Among the people who deserve to be torn apart are Mitch McConnell, and clearly gravity agrees.</p><h2>5. Mitch McConnell, because he tripped and fractured his shoulder.</h2><figure class="image"><div class="image-container"><img alt="The shoulder knew it was being held to lift up rifles." height="665" src="//cdn.someecards.com/posts/shutterstock180961427-ffdWzI.jpg" width="1000" /></div> <figcaption>The shoulder knew it was being held to lift up rifles.</figcaption> </figure><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>When Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell isn&#39;t refusing to bring <a href="https://www.courier-journal.com/story/news/politics/2019/08/05/mitch-mcconnell-massacre-mitch-nickname/1920326001/">election security legislation or gun control legislation</a> to the Senate floor, he&#39;s enjoying a life of leisure on his Kentucky patio. McConnell got too close to the patio over the weekend when, according to his office, he tripped and <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/mcconnell-fractures-shoulder-in-fall-at-kentucky-home/2019/08/04/9f3e9122-b6ef-11e9-b3b4-2bb69e8c4e39_story.html?utm_term=.f3cbb20a98b5">fractured his shoulder,</a> making gravity more powerful at thwarting him than any Senate Democrat.</p><p>McConnell has been treated and released from the hospital, and is one of the lucky Americans to have health insurance. The timing is just too ripe for punning: because he refuses to let the Senate vote on the House-passed gun safety bill, critics have dubbed him #MassacreMitch for being complicit in the carnage.</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Something for the grieving and those suffering trauma to remember: As of February 2018, Mitch McConnell had received $1.26 million in NRA donations. Of course he&#39;ll let people keep dying. That&#39;s what they&#39;re paying him to do. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MassacreMitch?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MassacreMitch</a> <a href="https://t.co/brRsqAt6Jm">pic.twitter.com/brRsqAt6Jm</a></p>&mdash; JRehling (@JRehling) <a href="https://twitter.com/JRehling/status/1158146056720277506?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 4, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>How much money would it cost for YOU to enable thousands of deaths? Not even a quantrillion billion? Good.</p><hr /><h2>4. <em>Bachelorette </em>Hannah Brown, because her backup Tyler C. was reportedly spotted on a date with Gigi Hadid.</h2><figure class="image"><div class="image-container"><img alt="The secret to skin this good? Having sex four times in a windmill." data-attribution="Shutterstock" data-attribution-url="" height="288" src="//cdn.someecards.com/posts/shutterstock1414872101-obvOHI.jpg" width="552" /></div> <figcaption>The secret to skin this good? Having sex four times in a windmill.</figcaption> <div class="image-attribution">Shutterstock</div></figure><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>On a lighter note, there&#39;s a love triangle brewing between two reality stars and a supermodel, the other fixtures of American culture after mass shootings.</p><p>Hannah Brown&#39;s season of <em>The Bachelorette </em>may have officially wrapped up on ABC, but the drama is ongoing.</p><p><a href="https://nypost.com/2019/07/30/bachelorette-finale-shocker-did-hannah-really-end-up-alone/?_ga=2.253473097.1195598208.1565022931-1973536129.1510166752">Brown broke up with the winner,</a> Jed Wyatt, after it was revealed that he had a girlfriend back home and went on the popular dating show just to promote his music. He was there for the wrong reasons, if you will. Brown tried to salvage things with the runner up, dreamboat Tyler Cameron, by asking him out on live TV, and Tyler C. was later spotted leaving the bachelorette&#39;s home.</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Talking like the fantasy suites I assume <a href="https://t.co/scNkTBnHGX">https://t.co/scNkTBnHGX</a></p>&mdash; RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) <a href="https://twitter.com/RealitySteve/status/1157402466851393537?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 2, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>A few days later, Tyler C. was seen with GIGI FREAKIN&#39; HADID (Yes, her middle name is &quot;Freakin.&quot; It&#39;s Dutch).</p><p>The tabloid <em>Page Six </em>reports:</p><blockquote> <p>On Sunday, the Florida native, 26, was spotted at Brooklyn&rsquo;s Dumbo House with the supermodel, 24, before leaving together to go to Hadid&rsquo;s Manhattan apartment.</p> <p>&ldquo;She came out of the main entrance by Almondine bakery. He walked around to alley on the left by Smile to Go. Her car picked him up there. They then went into the garage at her apartment,&rdquo; a spy told Page Six on Monday, noting they were hanging out until at least 2 a.m.</p> </blockquote><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">‘Bachelorette’ alum Tyler Cameron spends late night with Gigi Hadid <a href="https://t.co/gcD5KXlRW1">https://t.co/gcD5KXlRW1</a> <a href="https://t.co/hx69kE1UK6">pic.twitter.com/hx69kE1UK6</a></p>&mdash; Page Six (@PageSix) <a href="https://twitter.com/PageSix/status/1158401042872176643?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 5, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>&quot;What kind of person would date two people at the same time???&quot; said The Bachelorette.</p><hr /><h2>3. The Brazilian drug trafficker who got busted for trying to escape prison in disguise as his daughter.</h2><figure class="image"><div class="image-container"><img alt="Like father, like father." data-attribution="Rio de Janeiro Penitentiary Administration Secretariat" data-attribution-url="" height="562" src="//cdn.someecards.com/posts/skynews-clauvino-da-silva-shorty4736636-clgX5u.jpg" width="1000" /></div> <figcaption>Like father, like father.</figcaption> <div class="image-attribution">Rio de Janeiro Penitentiary Administration Secretariat</div></figure><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>&quot;Disguised&quot; a wig, silicon mask, and Minnie Mouse T-shirt, notorious gang leader, drag trafficker, and Scooby Doo villain <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2019/08/05/brazilian-drug-dealer-tries-escape-jail-by-dressing-up-his-teenage-daughter/?utm_term=.d332046b1456">Clauvino &quot;Shorty&quot; da Silva tried to escape from prison </a>as his teenage daughter.</p><p>According to <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2019/08/05/brazilian-drug-dealer-tries-escape-jail-by-dressing-up-his-teenage-daughter/?utm_term=.d332046b1456">the BBC, </a>the 42-year-old da Silva is serving a sentence of nearly 74 years for drug trafficking. His pathetic attempt at a drag show got him transferred to a maximum security prison, where he will likely have even less access to accessories and wigs.</p><p>Prison authorities released this truly humiliating video of da Silva getting unmasked, and it&#39;s insulting to the guy&#39;s daughter that he ever thought he looked like her in this getup.</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="pt" dir="ltr">Preso, Clauvino da Silva, traficante de Angra dos Reis, foi pego tentando escapar de Bangu 3 com máscara, peruca e roupas femininas | Crédito: Divulgação <a href="https://t.co/PyjKRpCydK">pic.twitter.com/PyjKRpCydK</a></p>&mdash; O Globo_Rio (@OGlobo_Rio) <a href="https://twitter.com/OGlobo_Rio/status/1157767524366372864?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 3, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>Sorry, Shorty, but the only people who can pull off such a disguise are the Wayans Brothers.</p><figure class="image"><div class="image-container"><img alt="Image result for white chicks wayans brothers" data-attribution="Columbia Pictures" data-attribution-url="" data-iml="1565025933337" height="312" onload="typeof google==='object'&amp;&amp;google.aft&amp;&amp;google.aft(this)" src="https://s2.r29static.com//bin/entry/e86/0,199,2000,1125/x,80/2214195/dust-off-your-vanessa-carlton-2214195.jpg" width="554" /></div> <figcaption>The &quot;White Chicks&quot; disguise was so effective that one of them went on to have a rap career under the name &quot;Iggy Azaela.&quot;</figcaption> <div class="image-attribution">Columbia Pictures</div></figure><div className="ad-splitter"></div><hr /><h2>2. Neil deGrasse Tyson, because he&#39;s sorry for slamming gun control after the weekend&#39;s massacres.</h2><figure class="image"><div class="image-container"><img alt="What a Uranus." data-attribution="Shutterstock" height="377" src="//cdn.someecards.com/posts/shutterstock712460692-m61OVm.jpg" width="658" /></div> <figcaption>What a Uranus.</figcaption> <div class="image-attribution">Shutterstock</div></figure><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>NDGT is sorry that he did a bad tweet and a bad time. The only astrophysicist most people know by name responded to the double shootings with a tweet saying that yes, guns kill people, but so do other things, so why bother trying to prevent the shooting deaths?</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">In the past 48hrs, the USA horrifically lost 34 people to mass shootings.<br><br>On average, across any 48hrs, we also lose…<br><br>500 to Medical errors<br>300 to the Flu<br>250 to Suicide<br>200 to Car Accidents<br>40 to Homicide via Handgun<br><br>Often our emotions respond more to spectacle than to data.</p>&mdash; Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) <a href="https://twitter.com/neiltyson/status/1158074774297468928?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 4, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>&quot;Often our emotions respond more to spectacle than to data,&quot; he wrote, as reports came in that a 2-year-old boy lost both his parents in El Paso.</p><p>The tweet was comprehensively dragged.</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Imagine going through the tragedy of losing someone to another mass shooting then having to see a dickhead tweet statistics on why mass shootings aren&#39;t even THAT bad just think of the medical errors <a href="https://t.co/fO0glbZal7">https://t.co/fO0glbZal7</a></p>&mdash; Maus (@indeimaus) <a href="https://twitter.com/indeimaus/status/1158229571726012416?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 5, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">just updating my big death spreadsheet to stop myself doing anything weird and irrational like emotionally responding to a terrorist attack, feel much better now <a href="https://t.co/DWxd4QS8RL">https://t.co/DWxd4QS8RL</a></p>&mdash; Stan (@tristandross) <a href="https://twitter.com/tristandross/status/1158287846555475968?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 5, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">From one scientist to another, this is not the time to be contrarian just for the sake of it. Your data is incomplete and its presentation is biased. Have several seats, Neil. <a href="https://t.co/kdqFPUEiPk">https://t.co/kdqFPUEiPk</a></p>&mdash; Laurie Pohutsky (@lpohutsky19) <a href="https://twitter.com/lpohutsky19/status/1158374122675740674?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 5, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>deGrasse Tyson ultimately <a href="https://www.facebook.com/notes/neil-degrasse-tyson/tweetstorm/10157492889446613/">apologized with a long post on Facebook,</a> saying his intention was not to minimize people&#39;s emotional response to a terrorist attack, but to &quot;to offer objectively true information that might help shape conversations and reactions to preventable ways we die.&quot;</p><p>This objectively true information might help shape conversations and reactions to preventable ways we get canceled.</p><hr /><h2>1. The basketball player who was suspended after his drug test revealed that he was pregnant.</h2><figure class="image"><div class="image-container"><img alt="Congratulations, it&#39;s a fraud!" data-attribution="Shutterstock" data-attribution-url="" height="600" src="//cdn.someecards.com/posts/shutterstock231028708-wpUcKX.jpg" width="1000" /></div> <figcaption>Congratulations, it&#39;s a fraud!</figcaption> <div class="image-attribution">Shutterstock</div></figure><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>D.J. Cooper, an American basketball player playing in Europe after missing out on the NBA draft, was suspended from the league for urine fraud, but the good news is that something on the way will keep him busy.</p><p><a href="https://www.eurohoops.net/en/fiba/915133/dj-cooper-suspended-for-falsifying-doping-test-by-using-pregnant-womans-urine/">Eurohoops</a> reports that the urine Cooper submitted for testing tested positive for human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), which is what professional pee sticks detect.</p><p>Cooper reportedly tried to pass off his girlfriend&#39;s urine as his own, and it goes without saying that she probably wouldn&#39;t have given him her pee if she knew she was pregnant. That, or this is the most gloriously passive-aggressive way to get your boyfriend to leave his job.</p><div className="ad-splitter"></div>

5 people having a worse Monday than you.

The people having the worst Mondays today are the victims of the two mass shootings. The gunman in Dayton, Ohio killed nine people in 30 seconds, The El Paso shooter was a white supremacist terrorist targeting a Hispanic community and left a manifesto that was product of putting Fox News&#39;s racist rants and the president&#39;s tweets in a violent blender.In this column, we make fun of celebrities who still have it better in every conceivable way, while making fun of people who deserve it. Among the people who deserve to be torn apart are Mitch McConnell, and clearly gravity agrees.5. Mitch McConnell, because he tripped and fractured his shoulder. The shoulder knew it was being held to lift up rifles. When Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell isn&#39;t refusing to bring election security legislation or gun control legislation to the Senate floor, he&#39;s enjoying a life of leisure on his Kentucky patio. McConnell got too close to the patio over the weekend when, according to his office, he tripped and fractured his shoulder, making gravity more powerful at thwarting him than any Senate Democrat.McConnell has been treated and released from the hospital, and is one of the lucky Americans to have health insurance. The timing is just too ripe for punning: because he refuses to let the Senate vote on the House-passed gun safety bill, critics have dubbed him #MassacreMitch for being complicit in the carnage.Something for the grieving and those suffering trauma to remember: As of February 2018, Mitch McConnell had received $1.26 million in NRA donations. Of course he&#39;ll let people keep dying. That&#39;s what they&#39;re paying him to do. #MassacreMitch pic.twitter.com/brRsqAt6Jm&mdash; JRehling (@JRehling) August 4, 2019 How much money would it cost for YOU to enable thousands of deaths? Not even a quantrillion billion? Good.4. Bachelorette Hannah Brown, because her backup Tyler C. was reportedly spotted on a date with Gigi Hadid. The secret to skin this good? Having sex four times in a windmill. ShutterstockOn a lighter note, there&#39;s a love triangle brewing between two reality stars and a supermodel, the other fixtures of American culture after mass shootings.Hannah Brown&#39;s season of The Bachelorette may have officially wrapped up on ABC, but the drama is ongoing.Brown broke up with the winner, Jed Wyatt, after it was revealed that he had a girlfriend back home and went on the popular dating show just to promote his music. He was there for the wrong reasons, if you will. Brown tried to salvage things with the runner up, dreamboat Tyler Cameron, by asking him out on live TV, and Tyler C. was later spotted leaving the bachelorette&#39;s home.Talking like the fantasy suites I assume https://t.co/scNkTBnHGX&mdash; RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) August 2, 2019 A few days later, Tyler C. was seen with GIGI FREAKIN&#39; HADID (Yes, her middle name is &quot;Freakin.&quot; It&#39;s Dutch).The tabloid Page Six reports: On Sunday, the Florida native, 26, was spotted at Brooklyn&rsquo;s Dumbo House with the supermodel, 24, before leaving together to go to Hadid&rsquo;s Manhattan apartment. &ldquo;She came out of the main entrance by Almondine bakery. He walked around to alley on the left by Smile to Go. Her car picked him up there. They then went into the garage at her apartment,&rdquo; a spy told Page Six on Monday, noting they were hanging out until at least 2 a.m. ‘Bachelorette’ alum Tyler Cameron spends late night with Gigi Hadid https://t.co/gcD5KXlRW1 pic.twitter.com/hx69kE1UK6&mdash; Page Six (@PageSix) August 5, 2019 &quot;What kind of person would date two people at the same time???&quot; said The Bachelorette.3. The Brazilian drug trafficker who got busted for trying to escape prison in disguise as his daughter. Like father, like father. Rio de Janeiro Penitentiary Administration Secretariat&quot;Disguised&quot; a wig, silicon mask, and Minnie Mouse T-shirt, notorious gang leader, drag trafficker, and Scooby Doo villain Clauvino &quot;Shorty&quot; da Silva tried to escape from prison as his teenage daughter.According to the BBC, the 42-year-old da Silva is serving a sentence of nearly 74 years for drug trafficking. His pathetic attempt at a drag show got him transferred to a maximum security prison, where he will likely have even less access to accessories and wigs.Prison authorities released this truly humiliating video of da Silva getting unmasked, and it&#39;s insulting to the guy&#39;s daughter that he ever thought he looked like her in this getup.Preso, Clauvino da Silva, traficante de Angra dos Reis, foi pego tentando escapar de Bangu 3 com máscara, peruca e roupas femininas | Crédito: Divulgação pic.twitter.com/PyjKRpCydK&mdash; O Globo_Rio (@OGlobo_Rio) August 3, 2019 Sorry, Shorty, but the only people who can pull off such a disguise are the Wayans Brothers. The &quot;White Chicks&quot; disguise was so effective that one of them went on to have a rap career under the name &quot;Iggy Azaela.&quot; Columbia Pictures2. Neil deGrasse Tyson, because he&#39;s sorry for slamming gun control after the weekend&#39;s massacres. What a Uranus. ShutterstockNDGT is sorry that he did a bad tweet and a bad time. The only astrophysicist most people know by name responded to the double shootings with a tweet saying that yes, guns kill people, but so do other things, so why bother trying to prevent the shooting deaths?In the past 48hrs, the USA horrifically lost 34 people to mass shootings.On average, across any 48hrs, we also lose…500 to Medical errors300 to the Flu250 to Suicide200 to Car Accidents40 to Homicide via HandgunOften our emotions respond more to spectacle than to data.&mdash; Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) August 4, 2019 &quot;Often our emotions respond more to spectacle than to data,&quot; he wrote, as reports came in that a 2-year-old boy lost both his parents in El Paso.The tweet was comprehensively dragged.Imagine going through the tragedy of losing someone to another mass shooting then having to see a dickhead tweet statistics on why mass shootings aren&#39;t even THAT bad just think of the medical errors https://t.co/fO0glbZal7&mdash; Maus (@indeimaus) August 5, 2019 just updating my big death spreadsheet to stop myself doing anything weird and irrational like emotionally responding to a terrorist attack, feel much better now https://t.co/DWxd4QS8RL&mdash; Stan (@tristandross) August 5, 2019 From one scientist to another, this is not the time to be contrarian just for the sake of it. Your data is incomplete and its presentation is biased. Have several seats, Neil. https://t.co/kdqFPUEiPk&mdash; Laurie Pohutsky (@lpohutsky19) August 5, 2019 deGrasse Tyson ultimately apologized with a long post on Facebook, saying his intention was not to minimize people&#39;s emotional response to a terrorist attack, but to &quot;to offer objectively true information that might help shape conversations and reactions to preventable ways we die.&quot;This objectively true information might help shape conversations and reactions to preventable ways we get canceled.1. The basketball player who was suspended after his drug test revealed that he was pregnant. Congratulations, it&#39;s a fraud! ShutterstockD.J. Cooper, an American basketball player playing in Europe after missing out on the NBA draft, was suspended from the league for urine fraud, but the good news is that something on the way will keep him busy.Eurohoops reports that the urine Cooper submitted for testing tested positive for human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), which is what professional pee sticks detect.Cooper reportedly tried to pass off his girlfriend&#39;s urine as his own, and it goes without saying that she probably wouldn&#39;t have given him her pee if she knew she was pregnant. That, or this is the most gloriously passive-aggressive way to get your boyfriend to leave his job.

The people having the worst Mondays today are the victims of the two mass shootings. The gunman in Dayton, Ohio killed nine people in 30 seconds, The El Paso shooter was a white supremacist terrorist targeting a Hispanic community and left...