5. Jennifer Lopez, because she lost the Golden Globe and her giftwrap-inspired dress got mocked. J.Lo vs. L.Dern will tear us apart. ShutterstockPeople discovering that J.Lo is, in fact, a good actress was one of the most fun celebrity narratives of 2019.The triple threat's acting and dancing in Hustlers wowed critics and moviegoers, making it easy to understand why somebody would get wrapped up in her character's criminal scheme.Speaking of getting wrapped up, J.Lo's dress at last night's ceremony sure looked like gift wrap, and people snarked about her seeming inability to let the Christmas spirit go.Jlo out here looking like Ryan Reynolds ugly sweater 💀💀 #GoldenGlobes pic.twitter.com/3N8lPFRAst— Paolo is golden (@Ic3lad) January 6, 2020 jlo noooo this isn’t a christmas party sweetie 🤦♀️ #GoldenGlobes pic.twitter.com/mhthbM72Lg— gigi (@yonce_otr) January 5, 2020 I know where @JLo got her inspiration #GoldenGlobes pic.twitter.com/k7XBGQclpl— Anna (@AnnaJKozak) January 6, 2020 J.Lo went on to lose the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture to Laura Dern, who didn't even twerk in Marriage Story!The opinion on Twitter is that, like the men the hustlers drugged, J.Lo was robbed.JLo's performance in Hustlers made me mad at Laura Dern winning. That's a testament to its power.— alex (@alex_abads) January 6, 2020 Sad for JLo. Did Laura Dern need a fifth Golden Globe for a performance she's given before? #GoldenGlobes— Priyant (@Priyant1987) January 6, 2020 The race for the Oscar is on, and it just got interesting.4. Frankie Muniz, because he's confronting the cruel realities of time. Malcolm in the Middle Age. ShutterstockWin or lose, at least J.Lo was at the party.While hundreds of non-former child star millionaires live-tweeted the Golden Globes red carpet, former child star millionaire Frankie Muniz chimed in with a take on the night's festivities that has a very sad, elegiac energy.In 2002 I was nominated for a Golden Globe. In 2020, I'm just sitting here staring in the mirror at my balding head.— Frankie Muniz (@frankiemuniz) January 6, 2020 Malcolm of Malcolm in the Middle spent the evening remembering the days when he himself was nominated for awards rather than staring at the hair follicles that once were.Muniz followed the tweet up with an even sadder tweet today.I just waited on hold with the IRS for over 78 minutes, and they just ended the call. FML = Frankie Muniz's Life.— Frankie Muniz (@frankiemuniz) January 6, 2020 Did he tell the IRS "you're not the boss of me now and you're not so big"?Life is unfair.3. Harvey Weinstein, because his trial finally begins today. The Mucinex Monster could face life in prison. ShutterstockThe name "Harvey Weinstein," once synonymous with with campaigning for Best Picture like it was the race for president, has become synonymous with sexual harassment, and rightfully so. The sentient wart has been accused of misconduct by over 80 women, and beginning today, two will be heard in court.While Weinstein's alleged abuse has spanned continents and decades, the two accusations being heard by the Supreme Court of New York in Manhattan are allegedly forcing oral sex on a film production assistant and alleged rape, reported by a woman who remains anonymous, and her story is not publicly known.At the same time jury selection was beginning in New York, Weinstein was indicted on new sex crimes charges in Los Angeles, proving that everyone is going bicoastal these days.2. The police who responded to a parrot. I know why the caged bird sings. ShutterstockA concerned neighbor in Lake Worth Beach, Florida called 911 when they heard someone cry "Let me out!"When the police rolled up to investigate, they learned that the cries were from a 40-year-old parrot named Rambo.Rambo's owner posted the video of the confrontation on YouTube, writing, "I was changing the brakes on my wife’s car and had my 40-year-old parrot, Rambo, on his outside perch where he sings and talks. Sometime later four police officers showed up saying a neighbor called because she heard a woman screaming for help. I promptly introduced the officers to Rambo and we all had a good laugh. Afterward, I also introduced Rambo to the neighbor who called in the screaming. She too had a good laugh.""Sometimes Rambo yells 'help, help, let me out.' Something I taught him when I was a kid and Rambo lived in a cage,"If you have a parrot, maybe stick to teaching it "Polly want a cracker."1. The CNBC graphics person, who is not only dumb, but racist.1. that is not andrew yang2. that is not tulsi gabbard3. did cory booker lose a fight with a machete or something pic.twitter.com/wmM13GHXM5— Bobby Lewis (@revrrlewis) January 6, 2020 This person may very well be named Andrew Yang, but they're not the Andrew Yang who is running for president.CNBCThis is who Kellyanne Conway would call an "Alternative Yang."
