5. Marco Rubio, because he's getting owned by teens.
After the tragic school shooting killed 17 people in Parkland, Florida last Wednesday, the students who survived the horror are mobilizing to make sure that nobody else will have to experience what they did.
Meanwhile, Republicans are bravely standing up for the rights of guns as the students organize a march on Washington calling for weapons of war to be taken off the streets.
Students are explicitly calling out President Trump for his insensitive tweets on the matter...
...and their senator, Marco Rubio, who having received $3.3 million from the National Rifle Association, doesn't want to hear about how gun control could have prevented the massacre. The day after the shooting, Rubio took to the Senate floor to brush off the utility of gun control, saying that shooters "will find a way to get the gun."
Needless, to say, the survivors weren't having it.
On CBS's Face The Nation, survivor Cameron Kasky addressed Rubio directly, saying:
It's not our job to tell you, Senator Rubio, how to protect us ... Our job is to go to school, learn and not take a bullet ... Your job to protect us and our blood is on your hands.
Another group, inspired by the Oscar-nominated film Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, addressed Rubio with three billboards outside his office in Miami, Florida.
"SLAUGHTERED IN SCHOOL"
"AND STILL NO GUN CONTROL?"
"HOW COME, MARCO RUBIO?"
Thanks to the tireless efforts of the brave high school students, the question is becoming increasingly difficult for him to ignore.
I believe that children are our future.
4. Donald Trump Jr., because he got caught liking conspiracy theories about the Florida massacre survivors.
While survivors of the massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School were attending their friends' funerals, sentient clump of hair grease Donald Trump Jr. was touting conspiracy theories that they are, in fact, FBI plants.
— Justin Green (@JGreenDC) February 20, 2018
Don Jr. liked a tweet that suggested because the father of 17-year-old survivor David Hogg is a former FBI agent, and Trump has spent the past couple of weeks attacking the Bureau, the outspoken survivor must be coached by agents to attack Trump.
You're so vain, you probably think a teenager working to prevent mass shootings like the ones he experienced is about you.
Rather than listen to the voices of children with PTSD, the pro-Trump media is working hard to discredit them, which is extremely f*cking gross.
Hogg responded to the president's son peddling conspiracy theories about him in a comment to BuzzFeed News.
"I just think it's a testament to the sick immaturity and broken state of our government when these people feel the need to pedal conspiracy theories about people that were in a school shooting where 17 people died and it just makes me sick," Hogg said.
Don Jr. and the White House have yet to respond to requests for comment.
3. Milo Yiannopolous, because he dropped his lawsuit after trying to be his own lawyer.
While I regret to remind you of this professional troll's existence, this schadenfreude is pretty fun.
The alt-right "provocateur" (a word that's French for "racist") was suing book publisher Simon & Schuster for $10 million after they canceled his book deal when an audio got out of him condoning pedophilia.
Last month, Milo fired his lawyer after a "fundamental disagreement" and tried to represent himself in court. It.......did not go well.
Milo's legal battle is not going great so far pic.twitter.com/twl875l1sO
— Will Sommer (@willsommer) February 7, 2018
Today, papers were filed in the New York State Supreme Court asking for the case to be withdrawn "without costs or fees to either party," meaning he gets nothing.
Meanwhile, he insists that he's walking away from the lawsuit so he wouldn't have to pay a lawyer, and that he made one million dollars from self-publishing the book.
Sure, Jan.
2. British chicken lovers, because there's a foul fowl shortage.
Our thoughts and prayers go out to the people in the United Kingdom, who are currently suffering through a country-wide chicken shortage, which means they can't get Kentucky Fried.
The New York Times reports that the chain has forced half of its 900 Britain locations to close for the rest of the week, which is now a full-blown crisis. The KFC website is trying to be cute about it with a joke, but it's not enough to put out the fire of the people's anger.
People are devastated, as panic spreads throughout the island.
Some chicken fans have even called the police, necessitating this tweet from the coppers.
1. American ice dancers Chock and Bates, because they fell during the finals.
Anyone who says that waiting for people to fall isn't part of the fun of figuring skating is lying, but watching people cry when their dreams are crushed totally ruins the vibe.
Olympic ice dancers Madison Chock and Evan Bates were in the middle of their gorgeous long program to John Lennon in "Imagine," when they crashed and collapsed attempting to do a combination spin.
We can't all be Adam Rippon.
