5. Donald Trump, because his tank party got rained on and his speech made no sense. "Don't rain on my parade!" C-SPANDonald Trump made a big deal of his Salute to America parade, diverting $2.5 million from the National Park Service to have Republican donors and MAGA die-hards fill the National Mall with the polar opposite of the 1963 March on Washington. Everybody's having a great time here at the President's Salute to America pic.twitter.com/D7DnixT9rG — Osita Nwanevu (@OsitaNwanevu) July 4, 2019 The weather was extremely bad, as was the president's speech, in which he said that the Continental Army manned airports during the Revolutionary War. One problem: airplanes wouldn't be invented for another century.Another problem: The president is an idiot."...our army manned the amports (?), it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports..." Trump slurring and then trying to read off a TelePrompTer about the Continental Army supposedly taking over the airports in 1781 is...no words. #TrumpSpeech pic.twitter.com/83Tv6vsN8x— Amee Vanderpool (@girlsreallyrule) July 5, 2019 Here's how Patrick Granfield, a national security official under Obama, described the festivities from the VIP section in Politico Magazine: A sizable crowd came to the Mall of their own volition as well. But this was intended as a national spectacle, and who was watching? With none of the major television networks covering it and most Americans presumably enjoying festivities in their own backyards and neighborhoods, the president was speaking largely to himself, the main character in a play staged at his own command, deeply and publicly alone. There's no doubt that he was miserable. According to Vanity Fair, which knows the comings and goings of every house in the Hamptons, Ivanka and Jared skipped to parade in favor of the rich peoples' paradise in Long Island.4. The Trump fans who went to the parade, convinced that JFK Jr. was going to reveal that he faked his own death and that he's a Trump supporter. This breaking news just in: John F. Kennedy Jr. is still dead. ShutterstockWhile the dozens of Democratic presidential candidates fight it out to see which particular pathway to universal health coverage will help them win over Trump supporters, Trump supporters are actively awaiting the return of a man who died twenty years ago.Journalist stationed at the Trump military parade met Trump supporters who are hardcore adherents to a conspiracy theory called QAnon, whose many delusions include the hypothesis that JFK Jr. is alive and is going to be Trump's running mate in 2020. The theory goes as deep as believing that a Pittsburgh Trump supporter named Vincent Fusca is the Kennedy in disguise. This QAnon believer at the 4th of July parade thinks JFK Jr might reveal himself today: “it would be wonderful if he did.” Other QAnon fans have said they’ll wear JFK Jr masks today. pic.twitter.com/mc5MslHOrc — Will Sommer (@willsommer) July 4, 2019 Someone at the Trump 4th is handing out JFK Jr masks, in anticipation of him revealing himself today + arresting top Democrats. https://t.co/j7BDP4ieFl — Will Sommer (@willsommer) July 4, 2019 pic.twitter.com/wWnOazpdYh — Osita Nwanevu (@OsitaNwanevu) July 4, 2019 Here’s another JFK Jr /QAnon believer at the Trump hotel. “He’s alive,” she says. pic.twitter.com/uB2DJNCHHp — Will Sommer (@willsommer) July 4, 2019 Needless to say, JFK Jr. did not return from the grave. It looks like the only First Son these people have to pin their hopes on is Don Jr. Oh, Donj. Shutterstock3. The man arrested for "leading police on car chase, climbing a tree and entering stranger’s home on July 4th." Red, white, and blue. ShutterstockA guy in Murray, Utah decided to honor the Fourth of July by taking his local police on a scenic chase through two cities in Salt Lake County.Police told FOX13 that they heard reports of a man and woman driving around in a stolen SUV. After noticing the police tracking them in a Walmart parking lot, the woman got out of the car and the man started driving "like a total idiot."Rather than wait for things to explode in the sky, the Utah Man made his own excitement, taking police on a wild chase in which "he ran through yards, climbed a tree and barged into a random home with people inside before they got him."Police confronted him in the rando's house, and ended up using pepper spray to get him to cooperate, hauling him out in a spit mask.God bless Amurrica!2. The girl who licked a tub of ice cream and faces up to 20 years in prison. Well that seems harsh. TwitterPolice in Lufkin, Texas are searching for a woman who was seen giving a tub of ice cream a big ol' lick before putting it back in the freezer.The video went viral, and now CNN is reporting that she is wanted for "second-degree felony tampering with a consumer product, which carries two to 20 years behind bars and a possible fine of up to $10,000."What kinda psychopathic behavior is this?! pic.twitter.com/T8AIdGpmuS— Optimus Primal (@BlindDensetsu) June 29, 2019 Blue Bell ice cream called the crime against the dessert a "malicious act." The Lufkin Police announced that the licker has been identified. Because she is a minor, her name will not be released publicly.#BREAKING: #Lufkin police locate suspect in ‘Blue Bell licking’ case. They say she’s a juvenile & her identity will not be released. The case will be turned over to the Texas Juvenile Justice Dpt.She’s from San Antonio, but was in the Lufkin area through her boyfriend’s family. pic.twitter.com/HZPtDajObc— Hunter Sowards (@huntersowards3) July 5, 2019 Let this be a lesson, children: Just one lick (and an accompanying viral video) might just be enough to lock you up for decades! Yum!1. The owner of the South Carolina fireworks store that caught on fire, even though the damage was truly beautiful.Fireworks explode over South Carolina store after fire ignites them: https://t.co/NJpIcThYKM pic.twitter.com/ChSgvIkLrZ— ABC 7 Chicago (@ABC7Chicago) July 4, 2019 A store in Fort Hill, South Carolina burned down in a true blaze of glory. After some of the merchandise exploded, the flames set off the rest of the stock.A fireworks store caught on fire in Fort Mill, South Carolina, igniting its inventory and setting off an unintentional dramatic display ahead of July 4th celebrations.RELATED: https://t.co/m3Yfe0C8M0 pic.twitter.com/027hfiTfkK— Globalnews.ca (@globalnews) July 4, 2019 The explosions look awesome but are doing lasting damage...much like America herself.
