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Dad won't let pregnant 23-year-old daughter move in, 'I'm enjoying retirement.'

Dad won't let pregnant 23-year-old daughter move in, 'I'm enjoying retirement.'


One of the hardest parts of parenting is knowing when to cut the umbilical cord with a young adult child. Ideally, parenting is a life-long relationship, where you can provide love and support across the years.

But there are points where a grown child needs to face the consequences of their choices on their own. However, it can feel tough to draw that line if they interpret that boundary as abandonment.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a dad asks if he's wrong for not allowing his pregnant 23-year-old daughter to move in with him.

He wrote:

AITA for not letting my pregnant daughter move in with me?

My daughter is 23 (I'm Dad btw). A few years ago my wife (not her mom) took her to get a birth control implant, and she was always happy on it. Fast forward about a year and she meets a guy(he's 28) online and 'falls in love.'

He lives in another state. She quickly started talking about how they both want to get married and both want kids.

About 3 months before her trip to meet him in person she told me she had gotten her implant out and switched to the pill because she didn't like the implant any more. This kind of raised my eyebrow.

She had always talked about loving the implant because she no longer had periods. So I talk to her, we go over how important it is to take the pill properly every day, and we talk about other bc options, she is set in the pill.

I also went over the cost of children and the amount of work and responsibility babies are with her.

Part of my concern here is that her mother openly admits she stopped taking her pills and intentionally got pregnant so I would marry her (I did, and we are divorced now).

I also told her that I love my kids and raising them, but I had no interest in raising theirs. I am enjoying retirement. (I have a 10 and an 8 year-old with my wife). Well, lo and behold, she gets pregnant on her trip.

BF is not financially stable and is in another state, and due to morning sickness she has been missing a lot of work. She is intent on keeping the baby.

She called last night and asked if she and her BF could come live with me so he could move here and find a job.

He doesn't have any significant work history or education, and is morbidly obese which cause him a lot of health problems, so currently he is on disability, and they would save up money and be out before the baby is born.

Also note her mom does not have room at her house. I said no. My daughter has a history of not following through on her commitments and I know that she won't actually move out before she has the baby, and probably not for a long while after.

She has trouble taking responsibility for herself and I am guessing we will be the ones dealing with the baby mostly.

We currently have a cat she adopted and then didn't want because she wouldn't clean its box so it went to the bathroom everywhere.

On top of that, I don't want this man that I don't know and she barely knows in my home with my small children. So now he is flying up so they can find a place together (she currently rents a room in a party house).

I told her I would help her with the deposit and first month's rent but if they wanted to play house I wasn't going to fund it, so don't expect me to pay when they can't.

Now she is upset with me, her mom has chewed me up one side and down the other for not supporting her. AITA?

The internet weighed in with lots of different perspectives.

Mission_Ad6235 wrote:

NTA. I think offering deposit and first month rent is a generous compromise.

dauphineep wrote:

NTA. It seems she planned this pregnancy and is now seeing the reality of her situation. I think you’re correct, if you let them move in, they’ll never move out.

I will caution you though, if she moves close to you be prepared to be expected to be the (free) childcare. Her boyfriend will most likely not work because then he won’t qualify for disability, but I doubt he will be taking care of the baby either.

Revolutionary_50 wrote:

NTA. You are supporting her by offering to help with initial rent. Your daughter made grownup choices, now she has grownup responsibilities.

Shakeit126 wrote:

NTA. Sounds like she purposely got pregnant to start a life with a loser. She's very irresponsible.

You're right, it's best you don't enable her because you'll end up raising their child and supporting a stranger, who shouldn't even be in your home, and her. It's best she figures this out on her own.

Deposit and first month's rent are a good idea to get them started and very generous. Then she can't say that you didn't help.

I know someone on disability who shouldn't be and has every excuse under the sun why he can't work, my SIL's brother.

Excuse for everything and blames everyone for his laziness and this is what keeps running through my mind about your daughter's boyfriend.

Then I keep thinking about my sister who never follows through on a single thing she says and got a cat when she couldn't take care of him and tried backing my parents into a corner, then me and my husband.

None of us would take him as multiple people in the family have allergies and she doesn't do what she needs to do. I could see something like this happening.

VoyagerVII wrote:

NTA. You did what you could to guide her. Sometimes, the only way they learn is through their own hard experience. It sucks.

I'm a parent of young adults too, and it's heartbreaking when you can't protect them from pain by helping them learn from your mistakes instead of their own. But there's not always another way.

Unfortunately, OP is really in a tough spot here, as he's done all he can to be a supportive but honest Dad. But it's important to keep his own boundaries so his daughter takes responsibility for her own life.

Sources: Reddit
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