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Groom tells gay friend to 'man up' for his wedding dress code; friend RSVP's 'no.'

Groom tells gay friend to 'man up' for his wedding dress code; friend RSVP's 'no.'


Weddings bring up a lot of big feelings, and while 'joy' and 'love' should be the primary ones, that's not always the case.

Everything from the dress code to the guest list can be loaded with awkwardness and conflict. Naturally, the internet is where all these conflicts come to get sorted.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for telling his friend to 'man up' for his wedding celebration.

He wrote:

'AITA for telling my friend to “man up” or not to come to my wedding?​​'

Context: Me (31M) and Taylor (30M) have been best friends since forever. We were school buddies, college friends, my parents love him, we’ve vacationed together many times. Taylor is a very affectionate person, kind, thoughtful guy. Three years ago me and Anne (31F) started dating, and now I’m pretty sure she’s the love of my life. Brilliant woman all around. We’re getting married next January.

The Conflict: After a long and thoughtful conversation, my fiance voiced her concerns about inviting Taylor to our wedding. Basically, she had two main reasons for asking him that: 1. Dress Code: Taylor is a 30-year-old punk. He wore a dress to our prom. You know, that kind of guy. 2. Taylor is dating a guy. Which is NOT the problem. But his partner is also very flamboyant.

Anne wants a very minimalist, quiet, calm, wedding, because she struggles with anxiety and ADHD. So, that was her request. I talked to Taylor, and I told him about Anne’s concerns. Tay said “do you think I’m gonna show up in a white dress?” and laughed. I told him he needed to promise he would respect the dress code. Black tuxedo for the guys, that was the code.

I got a little caught in the moment so maybe I was harsher than I should’ve been. I told him to 'man up' and to 'act his age.' I said some stupid stuff like 'people laugh about you, you want to be a joke?'

He said “Sure, no problem” and the next day he declined the online invitation. He keeps telling me “we’re good” and everything is okay, but the situation it’s bothering me.

I love Tay, but I know he can be difficult. My group chat with my family is burning because they don’t understand why he will not be there, and our friends' group chat is dead since the news dropped. AITA?

It wasn't long before the court of the internet weighed in with their judgments.

mr_waterloo wrote:

YTA. This could have been a really easy “hey, it’s important to my fiancé that everyone respects the dress code.”

Telling him to “man up,” “act his age,” and “people laugh about you” is beyond rude and mean. It’s cruel.

If I was Taylor I wouldn’t attend your wedding either. You need to apologize and take responsibility for being a prick if you have any chance of maintaining this friendship. Though idk why Taylor would want to.

onewithoutwinter wrote:

YTA and let's be real here. You chose to say 'man up' because he wears dresses and you think that makes him less of a man.

CuriousPalpitation23 wrote:

YTA. You've outed yourself as someone who doesn't accept or respect your friend the way he is. Your fiance obviously feels the same. I wasn't sure what asking him to follow dress code had to do with manning up either?

But as Onewithoutwinter says here, it's the dress thing. You've splashed your own insecurities all over the place and harmed your relationship with your 'best' friend in one fell swoop.

Usrname52 wrote:

Of course YTA. The only AH thing Taylor is doing is staying friends with you because it is incredibly disrespectful to his partner.

You want him to 'act his age,' but accepting yourself for who you are and being kind to other people is way more mature than calling someone a 'punk' and 'that kind of guy'. You are a disgusting homophobe who is not secure in what masculinity is.

TheDreadPirateJeff wrote:

YTA. You could have just left it at 'We would love you to be there with your parner but ask that you please respect the dress code for our special event' but instead you insulted your friend.

You told him he's a laughing stock, and implied that 'everyone laughs at you, you're a joke.' You were a real a**hole to someone you say you love and who is such a good friend.

I'm surprised he told you that it's OK, because I bet it's NOT OK. and you should expect Taylor to distance from you and likely cut you out of their lives, because now you've shown him what you really think.

swiddershins wrote:

Your fiancee can't stand people deviating from gender norms because of her...anxiety and ADHD? Hmm! That's not a symptom I've heard of before!

She's an AH for being so intolerant of your friend. YTA for not standing up for him, and double for insulting him yourself.

Put this in perspective. Taylor has been your best friend 'since forever,' in your own words. Anne has been in your life for three years. Why are you prioritizing her discomfort (and the flimsy reasons she gave for it) over your friend?

Hopefully, Taylor is able to move on without OP's friendship, since it doesn't sound like he's been a good or caring friend at all.

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