In case you missed it, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin are engaged, which means we are coming up on a nice day for a white wedding. While the pair of longtime on-again off-again sweethearts are fully ready to leap into marital bliss, I am personally excited to leap into the reasons they are the whitest couple to grace the tabloids in 2018. All it takes is a gander through a Belieber's collection of dedicated Bieber-Baldwin GIFs to confirm they are two glasses of milk personified as people.
Before I officially launch into this emotionally stirring piece of investigative journalism, I feel like I should make a few clarifications. First off: I'm white. So, writing this deeply cutting exploration of the unbearable whiteness of Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin is automatically a self-roast by nature. Secondly: these are jokes, obviously there is no such thing as an activity that is innately specific to one race.
Nonetheless, I have faith that you'll come to realize that Bieber and Baldwin not only make complete sense together, but they partially make sense because they're a white couple who like to do deeply white activities, like taste test La Croix on a private jet and culturally appropriate black hairstyles for fun.
For the sake of organization, so you can store these important journalistic findings easier, I have collected 9 definitive reasons why Bieber and Baldwin are the whitest couple to exist.
1. Hailey once made him get cornrows and then proceeded to Instagram the mess.
As cannot be unseen in this photo, Baldwin once pressured Bieber to get cornrows and they posted the mess on Instagram. Rather than giving positive lip service to the woman who braided his hair, or expressing any ounce of self-awareness about how his cornrows appropriate black culture, Bieber made things worse by saying he was getting corn rows "like a douche bag." If this isn't the messiest, whitest situation, then I don't know what is.
2. Bieber once mooned the staff at a sacred archeological site.
Back in 2016, when they were in full coupledom before breaking things off and getting back together for eternity, Bieber was kicked out of the Mayan ruins archeological site in Tulum, Mexico after bringing beer, climing ruins that were off-limits, and ultimately deciding to moon the staff. This level of disrespect for Mayan history can be construed as reckless privileged colonialism, or dumb white boy behavior - but both perceptions are tied to Bieber being very white. Technically, Baldwin wasn't present for these particular shenanigans, but anyone who has sex with a dude that trifling is complicit in the white nonsense.
3. Everything about this photo of them together.
They look like they're about to start talking very loudly about how much they love Bob Marley and how they feel spiritually connected to Jamaica, despite never having been there. Plus, you KNOW they are underpaying the hired help taking that photo.
4. Their dates involve weeping while riding Citibikes.
Listen, the recently circulated photos of Bieber and Baldwin spending a date day in NYC intermittently weeping and riding Citibikes was maybe the most relatable activity I've witness them engage in.
The way they gaze into each other's tear stained eyes feels like a shot out of a Postal Service video. There is pathos and loyalty, and then they hop back onto the tourist-chic Citibikes and ride off the difficulties of the world. I support this motion and this coping mechanism. Nonetheless, the optics of stopping in coffee shops after a gander on a Citibike feels very fresh-out-of-the-suburbs white.
5. They photograph themselves making out in hot tubs.
Making out in hot tubs transcends race. I'm pretty sure anyone with a hot tub is destined to make out in it, otherwise, what was the point of it all?! However, the preciousness with which Bieber and Baldwin photograph themselves smooching in a hot tub feels like it was modeled after a scene in The OC, but in reality, the photo looks more like a screenshot from Blind Date.
To make the situation whiter, the patron saint of white men with acoustic guitars, John Mayer, left a deeply voyeuristic comment on the photo:
6. Baldwin was once sued for stealing an author's quote.
Back in the truly dark days, Baldwin decided to weigh in during the post-breakup Instagram feud between Bieber and Selena Gomez. The inspirational quote Baldwin posted was lifted from the writer Melissa Molomo, with no credit given. Shortly after Baldwin posted the quote, Molomo's representation contacted her with threats of legal action.
Honestly though, I think Baldwin was merely following in the footsteps of other powerful white women, ala First Lady Melania Trump, who had recently stolen a speech from Michelle Obama. Stealing content to defend your man is a tried and true cornerstone of white womanhood.
8. They go golfing together.
Golfing is so white if it was a person it would be the white woman who called the cops on an 8-year-old for selling water without a permit. Golfing is SO white if it was a dance move it would just be the two-step while weeping to a cover of Sweet Caroline.
9. They dance on the beach to Despacito.
Shortly after getting engaged, Bieber and Baldwin were spotted twirling each other on the beach while Despacito played. I'm pretty sure this is the 2018 ending to at least five Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan movies.
Honestly, this list could probably go on forever, but I'll leave this first installment here, so we can all get on with our days whilst daydreaming of Bieber and Baldwin deep-frying mayonnaise into their macaroni and cheese.