The lion-killing dentist made a public apology and we translated it for you.

The lion-killing dentist made a public apology and we translated it for you.
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The Lion-y Coward speaks out.

As Americans, we're more comfortable than most developed countries with both hunting and crappy non-apology apologies. But Walter J. Palmer, the Minnesotan poacher whose most impressive achievement in life will be changing the image people have in their head when they hear the phrase "sadistic dentist," has offended even this proud nation of hunters and half-apologizers with his weasely attempt to avoid any responsibility for killing a world-famous lion he had no right (no matter how much he paid) to kill. That attempt to outrun the ceaseless hounds of approbation and scorn took the form of a letter to patients, begging them to separate his desire to snuff out rare forms of life for his own private enjoyment from his ability to competently drill the f**k out of your cavities. I present to you now the letter, complete with my annotations on why it is a weak, stumbling, diseased little antelope of an apology just begging to be ripped apart by predators in the public savannah:

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"In early July, I was in Zimbabwe on a bow hunting trip for big game."

- In early July, my mid-life crisis had a mid-life crisis of its own.

"I hired several professional guides and they secured all proper permits."

- I bribed some guys and I just assumed it was Africa so whatevs.

"To my knowledge, everything about this trip was legal and properly handled and conducted."

- I didn't ask.

"I had no idea that the lion I took was a known, local favorite, was collared and part of a study until the end of the hunt."
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- I just thought it was one of the other, anonymous apex predators in this fragile ecosystem. Didn't realize he had an Insta account!

"I relied on the expertise of my local professional guides to ensure a legal hunt."

- Did I mention it was a REALLY BIG bribe? $55,000. Do you even make that much in a year?

"I have not been contacted by authorities in Zimbabwe or in the U.S. about this situation, but will assist them in any inquiries they may have."

- I threw out my cell phone. I am a genius.

"Again, I deeply regret that my pursuit of an activity I love and practice responsibly and legally resulted in the taking of this lion."
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- Yes, I took him, as one would take a mistress. Then, after he had grown comfortable with my love (and after the guys I bribed tricked him into feeding on a dead animal directly behind my truck), I shot him with an arrow, followed him as he bled for two days, and then finally shot and decapitated him.

"That was never my intention."

- This is literally what I paid a year's salary for.

"The media interest in this matter – along with a substantial number of comments and calls from people who are angered by this situation and by the practice of hunting in general – has disrupted our business and our ability to see our patients."
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- There have been consequences for my actions, which is total f**king bullsh*t.

"For that disruption, I apologize profoundly for this inconvenience and promise you that we will do our best to resume normal operations as soon as possible."

- Please respond to my receptionist's appointment reminder calls. She didn't shoot any lions. This time.

"We are working to have patients with immediate needs referred to other dentists and will keep you informed of any additional developments."

- Please don't go.

"On behalf of all of us at River Bluff Dental, thank you for your support."
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- Me, the receptionist who hasn't quit, and all the severed heads of animals on my walls thank you.

"Sincerely, Walter J. Palmer, DDS River Bluff Dental"

- Please contact me if you'd like your family to receive $100,000 in exchange for letting me hunt The Most Dangerous Game

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