12 bonkers details in the case against Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman.

12 bonkers details in the case against Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman.
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Operation Varsity Blues is the new Fyre Festival: a tale of vast wealth, fraud, and desperate measures (we're looking at you, Blow Job Guy). Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman—Aunt Becky and a Desperate Housewife, respectively—we're caught in a massive bust of rich people bribing, cheating, and scheming their kids into elite colleges...and USC.

The affidavit in support of the criminal complaint details just how stupid Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman thought think their kids are. The Justice Department's indictment is a riveting read, but here are the best parts:

1. Loughlin and her husband, fashion designer/Target icon Mossimo Giannulli, thought their older daughter only had a shot at Arizona State.

In an email "on or about April 22, 2016," Giannulli emailed college coach/criminal mastermind William Singer, who's identified in the affidavit as "Cooperating Witness 1":

We just met with [our older daughter’s] college counselor this am. I’d like to maybe sit with you after your session with the girls as I have some concerns and want to fully understand the game plan and make sure we have a roadmap for success as it relates to [our daughter] and getting her into a school other than ASU!

2. Loughlin and Giannulli conspired to have both their daughters designated as recruits to the USC crew team, even though they don't row.

In an e-mail on or about July 24, 2016, [Cooperating Witness-1] advised GIANNULLI that his older daughter’s academic qualifications were at or just below the “low end” of USC’s admission standards. Thereafter, the GIANNULLIS agreed with CW-1 to use bribes to facilitate her admission to USC as a recruited crew coxswain, even though she did not row competitively or otherwise participate in crew.

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3. The family staged photoshoots on rowing machines to help the cause.

That's the one photoshoot that didn't end up on Olivia Jade's Instagram.

View this post on Instagram

u should be familiar w this pose by now

A post shared by OLIVIA JADE (@oliviajade) on

4. Some of the bribe money was funneled through a charity called The Key Worldwide Foundation, which claimed to serve underprivileged kids but primarily laundered bribes.

5. Loughlin was caught on tape discussing the payments with the cooperating witness, under the guise of warning Aunt Becky that the foundation was being audited by the IRS.

12 bonkers details in the case against Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman.
Terrific.

6. Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy, identified in the affidavit solely as "spouse," participated in an SAT scam where a third party proctor would correct their daughters answers after she handed them in.

7. After learning that her daughter's high school used their own proctor, Huffman responded, "Ruh Ro!"

8. A guy was paid $400,000 to administer the SAT to Huffman and three other students, $15,000 of which was laundered through Key Worldwide Foundation.

9. A few months later, Huffman called up Singer to pull off an SAT cheating scheme for her younger daughter. It was a bit more complicated to arrange because the accomplice had a baby.

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10. Singer had a call with Macy, aka "spouse."

11. Huffman wanted her younger daughter to do well on the test, but not too well on the test, because she had a tutor they didn't want to make suspicious.

12. Ultimately, they decided not to pursue the cheating scheme for the younger daughter, officially proving who the "smart kid" in the family is.

12 bonkers details in the case against Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman.
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