Man asks if he’s wrong for refusing to spend over $500 on fiancée’s engagement ring.
Engagements and wedding planning can sometimes bring out the worst in people, even though the real purpose of a wedding is to celebrate a couple with their family and friends.
So, when a man was told he was being too cheap about his five-hundred dollar engagement ring budget, he decided to consult the moral compass of the internet's 'Am I the As*hole?' for advice.
AITA (Am I the as*hole) for not wanting to buy my fiancée the ring she wants?
Friends said I was cheap and should reconsider marrying my fiancée so I’m going to ask for some unbiased opinions here.
Background: I work as a software engineer and I grew up upper middle class (parents make a total of around 300k). My fiancée’s family is significantly wealthier and she grew up imo financially irresponsible, dropping 10k a month on clothes is a regular. She is a cardiovascular residency student.
I recently proposed to her with the consideration of her picking her own ring. She took me to Tiffany, and some other obscure brands to try on rings and I told her it was WAY out of my budget (20k+). She tried to ask if I was willing to split the cost of the ring 50/50. With her wanting big name brands, engagement and wedding ring for us both would cost way over my $500 budget for jewelry.
She relented and sent me a link to a ring that cost $1000 (not including tax). Obviously I said no again, I can’t understand what her obsession is with jewels to be honest. I don’t even plan on wearing my wedding ring because I’m not a jewelry guy. When I told my fiancée, she just gave me a “yikes”, rolled over and went to sleep.
A couple days later, our mutual friend (from her middle/high school and my university) said I’m being too cheap. Their social circle has some expectations of 2 carat diamond ring so fiancée expected something along those lines.
Objecting to a $1000 ring makes her reconsider marrying me blah blah blah. I don’t think I’ll be convinced into spending more and I told my fiancée so.
Confronted her about gossiping about me to our friends. She blew up saying I put her under a lot of pressure by being sensitive to our different finances.
Doubting she can have the wedding of her dreams under my budget and made it clear that I don’t dictate how much she can spend (which I don’t in the first place). Wants a prenup now and won’t speak to me over circles of metal.
I don’t really question her budgeting outside of this issue and it’s the only time we’ve fought. I honestly can’t believe she has the audacity to air out our financial situation to our mutual friends.
AITA (Am I the as*hole?) for not wanting to spend money on trivial jewelry that serves no practicality?
Here's what people had to say:
YTA (You're the As*hole) - not because of your budget but because you seem hell bent on rings being trivial and refuse to understand that it isn’t trivial to your partner. - NUTmeSHELL
YTA - I normally agree people are crazy with their expectations for Weddings but she moved from a $20,000 expectation for the ring which doesn't seem unreasonable based on how you describe her social circle and family to finding one she liked $1,000 and you have no flexibility on $500.
Honestly it sounds like you care more about your 'budget' than your fiancée. - Shwiggety
YTA
$1000 isnt that much for a ring and you dont even wanna wear yours? Thats totally uncool - Mean_Mathmatcian70
A $500 budget for engagement and wedding rings for both of you is WAY too low unless you’re in a tough financial spot, which it doesn’t sound like is the case here. Why did you share your family’s income but not yours? YTA though, certainly, for how flippantly you’re speaking about something that is clearly important to your fiancée. - quarterhorsemom
Look, I came here to say N.T.A (Not the As*hole) because engagement rings don’t need to come with $20k price tags; but YTA because of your unwillingness to compromise.
Your fiancé clearly puts value in good quality items; whether that be clothing or jewelry. This is something you know about her. While you may think jewelry is “trivial” and serves “no practicality”, in your fiancé’s social circle, and considering the job she’s going for that’s unlikely to change, good quality jewelry is a status symbol. Further, it is usually an heirloom.
Your fiancé has offered two compromises to help her achieve this, while being sensitive to your concerns; she helps pay for the ring or she brings the cost down to $1k (which is a huge concession for her). You’re not budging. That makes you TA. You can feel the way you feel and also acknowledge your fiancé feels otherwise and come to a compromise. Relationships are about compromise. It’s your lack of compromise that is the issue here.
Also, as a side note, even beyond the “status symbol” aspect; a ring she’s planning to wear every day of her life should be good enough quality that it’s not going to break in ten years. I doubt you’re going to get that for $500. - EliraTheLock
YTA are you for real? $1000 is definitely within reason. Your budget is really low and unrealistic. Surely you can find some middle ground between $500 and $20k.
Get her a ring she'll be happy with. It may not be important to you, but it is to her. Sometimes you just gotta do things because it makes the other person happy even if you don't understand it. The way you talk about her feelings is dismissive and rude and that's what puts you in AH territory for me, not the actual $ value involved. - AbraCaDarcie
So, there you have it!
The jury of internet strangers unanimously decided that he was in the wrong for not even trying to understand how important this ring was to someone who is supposed to be the love of his life. Refusing to compromise or come up with different solutions, especially on a subject you know nothing about, is never a good look, sir. Good luck, everyone!