Finding out you only have a year to live is no small pill to swallow. Not only do you have to grieve the end of your own life, but you also have to break the news to your friends and family, while dealing with all of their feelings about losing you.

Given the straight-up existential toll, and the limited remaining time, it completely makes sense for someone with a terminal illness to live their final year spontaneously, completely unfocused on their impending death. But there is a line between not wanting your illness to take the center of attention, and completely hiding it from those closest to you.

In a recent post on the subreddit Am I The Asshole, a man shared that he just found out he has a year to live, but doesn't plan to tell his wife for at least a few months.

"AITA for not telling my wife that I am dying?"

"Male, 31 here. For the past 15 years, I’ve been dealing with a medical condition that requires constant medication and consistent doctor’s visits. I had always been projected to live until 50-60ish, however, a recent complication has cut that down to 12 months, 16 at best. In about 10 months, my condition should start getting a lot worse. After 12 months, I’ll essentially be living in the hospital."

OP has been married four years (with no kids) and has been consistently dealing with a chronic medical condition for 15 years. During a recent visit, he found out the condition has worsened and he has roughly 12-16 months to live.

"I am married of 4 years (no kids). I haven’t had the heart to tell my wife the news. I don’t even know how. We always knew I’d die younger than I wanted to, but we never expected it to be this soon."

As much as I know I should tell my wife, I don’t want my last year to be plagued with an impending doom.

Now, OP is unsure how to break the news to his wife, especially since he doesn't want his final year to be clouded by sadness and grief.

"My wife and I have always talked about living abroad somewhere, maybe Australia, but we’ve never found the time or money to do so. I’ve been saving up to go to graduate school, however, I don’t see much point in that now."

So, rather than telling her immediately, OP is toying with the idea of living abroad with her (a long-time dream of theirs) for a year and breaking the news at the end of their time.

"So here’s my idea: take some of that money, and take my wife to Australia for a few months, and enjoy the time together. I have a job I can work remotely from anywhere, and she has a job that she can easily find work anywhere. We can work part-time, and enjoy our time together."

"When we get back, or maybe towards the end of it, I will break the news to her. I just wouldn’t want the trip to be ruined for us by constant reminders of me dying. I know my wife, and she’s very emotional - to the point where I feel like she will be crying everyday and not enjoying herself. I want this memory to be a good one for her, and not plagued by my time ticking down."

Above all, OP wants their final memories to be marked with happiness and peace, not deep existential sadness.

"AITA for putting off telling her I am dying?"

"Note: I have life insurance that will take care of her, so I am not too worried about spending this money now on this trip. And I plan on talking to her about a sperm bank, just in case she decides she wants my kids in the future, as well as premised birthday cards and other things for her to have."

Still, OP is aware that keeping his terminal status from his wife could be a grave mistake, so he brought the question to the internet.

CalLil6 is currently losing her husband, and said OP keeping it a secret would be unforgivable.

"As the wife of a husband who is also dying, please, please tell her. She’ll never forgive you if you don’t."

"Well first of all, don’t lie to her or hide anything from her. You’re not protecting her, you’re just making her hurt 10x worse when she finds out. You’re ruining what should be her last good memories of the person she loves."

Get all of your paperwork sorted out as soon as possible. Insurance, wills, deeds, bank accounts, whatever will make it easier for her to not have to deal with after you pass. For example, my husband put our new house, car, and bank accounts all in my name so I don’t have to worry about removing him from them or accessing our accounts when he dies. Also make sure she knows what your end of life instructions are in case she has to make medical decisions for you, and what you want her to do in terms of funeral/burial/cremation etc.

"Whatever you always wanted to do, do now. If you want to live in Australia for your last year then go ahead and make that move. My husband always wanted to retire in France and run a bed and breakfast, he probably has 3 or 4 good years left (we hope) so we’re doing that now. Sold our house and business, got rid of everything we own, and bought a big old house in the south of France."

Otiswillplaythecat thinks OP should let his wife talk to the doctor.

"Arrange for a meeting with your doctor. Have them walk your wife through everything you were told. There’s no easy way to do it, but having your doctor there to answer her questions will be valuable."

cortex0 believes OP keeping this a secret will cloud his wife's grief with anger.

"YTA, definitely she has a right to know. Can't imagine how angry she'll be finding out so late, knowing you were keeping the secret, not being able to prepare her life, to cherish the last months together consciously... you gotta tell her."

CunningStuntTeam understands where OP is coming from, but agrees that he needs to tell his wife.

"NAH. Tell her. She will be so upset if you don’t and it will fall on her like a ton of bricks. This happened to my partner with their parent. They weren’t told (20-21 years old at the time) and then the parent suddenly passed. They did find out that it was hidden info on purpose and it’s still a wound today. Tell her."

All in all, this is an unimaginably painful situation, and it's completely understandable that OP doesn't want to have this conversation with his wife. Who would?! Hopefully he is able to find peace and they are able to enjoy their last year together.

Man asks if it's wrong to hide his terminal illness from his wife. The internet intervenes.