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Man gives SAHM wife a 'performance review' to call out her favoritism of youngest kid.

Man gives SAHM wife a 'performance review' to call out her favoritism of youngest kid.


Raising kids with someone is a quick way to discover your differences.

If you don't align with your partner on how to communicate with your kids and teach them to function in the world, it can get ugly between you real quick, which only makes things less tenable for the kids.

When we don't feel listened to, it's natural to go to great lengths to get the point across. Of course, this can also backfire if not done right.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a dad asked if he's wrong for giving his wife a 'performance report' about her parenting.

He wrote:

AITA for giving my SAHM wife a written performance review with suggested areas needing improvement?

I (33m) share one child (6f) with my wife (36f). She has another daughter (13f) that lives with us full-time, we also have custody of our niece (15f). The teens are each other’s best friends, they share a large bedroom which was done at their request.

The dynamic here is pretty much mom and youngest against the teens, with me being the referee between everyone. My wife has taught the youngest, she can blame others for her actions to avoid consequences.

She just says the word, one of the teens will get punished without question. There’s no doubt, she is my wife’s favorite. I love her, but she’s becoming nothing more than an entitled brat.

As just a mere example, my wife and I had an appointment we both needed to attend. When we came back, it was apparent the pool had been used. They’re not allowed to swim while we aren’t home.

As the youngest divulged, “Mommy I was in my room coloring, I never went swimming.” The teens said that wasn't true, she went swimming as well. Only the teens were punished, my wife refused to give the youngest any consequence.

I later found her wet swimming suit hidden in the garage. My wife and I argued, I felt strongly she needed to not only be punished for swimming, but also for lying.

After a relentless disagreement, I was silenced as she gave the youngest a very minimal consequence. The lying, blaming, and favoritism ultimately caused the teens to act out, understandably.

Most of their consequences are done by giving more chores, specifically, the chores the 6-year-old has. Or recently they were removed from music lessons as a consequence.

I believe they’re so frustrated they don’t even care when they verbally attack their mother after her treatment towards them. They already get blamed and punished for things they don’t even do, from my perspective lashing out gives them a release.

We’ve had countless, tiring arguments. She’d either not see her faults, or we’d agree to do this and that, but it was never actually done. I decided to write her a performance review, as a SAHM. Her areas in need of improvement, well it was a lot.

But I touched on how she needs to listen better, stop being biased. Be fair in all her decisions, stop making rash decisions without taking all three kids into consideration.

I recommended her to give each child the same amount of one-on-one alone time to speak, or just be with one another. So it wouldn’t be an entire slap to her face, I gave her accolades on her strong points for other areas outside of parenting.

I guess I felt this would work best, because I could organize my thoughts on paper without her interjecting. However, it quickly backfired in my face. She was quiet the first hour after I handed it to her.

Then she completely exploded on me, said if we’re going to do this type sh*t she’ll get a private bank account and take half my paycheck every week. She further said the review was abusive, and a manipulative sexist move. AITA?

This post inspired a lot of opinionated responses.

PrairieGrrl5263 wrote:

Are you her EMPLOYER, because employers give performance reviews. Partners do not give performance reviews. Your family, INCLUDING YOURSELF, needs therapy. A lot of therapy. A LOT of therapy. YTA.

5footfilly wrote:

I was ready to call you an a**hole, but I can’t. I think you acted in desperation because you see your wife favoring the 6-year-old at the expense of the teens.

You have the additional fear of the 6-year-old turning into a manipulative brat due to your wife’s actions. But did it have to be a performance review? Couldn’t you have just written her a heartfelt letter? You’ve got problems bigger than a pissed off wife.

You’ve got 3 kids who all need a stable home and to be treated fairly and equally. And the teens need to be heard. Somehow you’ve got to convince your wife family therapy is in order. I’m going with NTA. Good luck.

Hppmg wrote:

YTA. You don't give partners performance reviews. That's gross and you should treat her as your equal. Her attitude towards the kids is bad, don't get me wrong. But the way you handled it is sooooo inappropriate.

Also: you are a parent too, if you believe your kid should face consequences be the one enforcing them (and go to couples therapy so you guys work with each other instead of against each other).

sheramom4 wrote:

ESH because your wife should listen to the teens more. But more you for one, the performance and review and two, for having the idea that a six-year-old should face the same consequences as two teens for something like swimming unsupervised.

The teens have the critical thinking skills to make that decision. The six year old? 'Yay! I get to go swimming.' Presumably the teens were in charge of their younger sibling. They instigated the behavior and yes, should have more severe consequences.

It is NOT entitled brat behavior for a six-year-old to join her siblings swimming and then try to hide the evidence or even lie about it once it becomes clear they did something wrong. It's developmentally normal.

The performance review was a step too far and your wife is right. If she is your employee then you owe her years of pay.

MENG-GMS wrote:

ESH, your title made me laugh, ¿How else did you expect that to go besides her throwing it at your face?

She's your wife, not your employee, you are her husband, not her boss, a performance review is something that you get from someone who has authority over you, not from your equal.

You two are supposed to be equals, if you can't discuss the problems directly with your wife because she's too stubborn or too difficult try to get someone else in the middle (like a counselor) to act as referee or get a divorce.

Also, ¿Why can't you discipline the little brat? You know that your wife won't do it, so, ¿Why not do it yourself? The kid is also your responsibility.

A while after posting, OP left a clarifying comment in response to some of the feedback.

I have always been involved with every aspect of parenting, including consequences. Any punishment I give to the youngest, no matter the reason, her mother undermines it. She completely will reverse it and make it very well known.

The most important question embedded in this post is not who TA is, but rather, how to get everyone in therapy so the conflict can be mediated.

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