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Man snaps at GF and masseuse for chatting in Chinese during couple's massage. AITA?

Man snaps at GF and masseuse for chatting in Chinese during couple's massage. AITA?


Getting a massage is an ideal way to destress and get back in touch with your body.

The essential oils, the ambiance of a spa, and the professional touch can be deeply restorative after an exhausting week, month, or year.

For those with means, couple massages can function as a great way to relax with a partner. However, everyone's ideal of relaxing is different, while some like chill conversation during a massage, others want complete silence.

To this very point, a man on a popular AITA post asked if he was wrong for snapping during a couple's massage, because he wanted silence.

He wrote:

AITA for losing my temper at a massage?

I've had a long few weeks at work, preparing for a huge pitch that happened today. I am exhausted and I just need to destress. As a treat, I bought a 2 hour full body massage for myself and my gf, full whale music, and everything.

Massage was great apart from the fact that my girlfriend's masseuse insisted on engaging in constant conversation with my girlfriend. Masseuse spoke Chinese (but speaks English well enough to know what I'm saying), as does my GF (trilingual).

At first, I gave a look of annoyance to my girlfriend, indicating I was looking for peace and quiet. Ten minutes later, I said 'babe, the most relaxing bit of this is definitely you two chatting loudly.' Slightly passive aggressive, I admit.

I was clearly annoyed and was trying to avoid confrontation. Gf gave me a snarky reply but I thought the point was made. Third time around, still loads of noise and I let out a loud sigh of annoyance.

By this point, GF has stopped responding but masseuse is still chatting away. Fourth time, I say 'babe, please'. Quiet reigns for 10 or so minutes but then it reverts to normal. Fifth time rolls around and I've lost my patience.

I snap and say to the masseuse 'if you two want to disturb something that just wants hibernate, can you please both f**k off to the zoo?'

This did not go well.

Everything went awkwardly quiet until the end of the massage but GF went apes**t after we left. Said I was rude, masseuse was just happy someone she massaged was Chinese, etc

My argument was that I booked this to relax and de-stress and it was ruined by this constant chatting (in Chinese, a language I don't speak) and I gave 5 clear signals that I wasn't happy.

She was still mad when we got home. I may be the AH for overreacting but this was my reward for myself and I brought GF along who, in my opinion, contributed to it being ruined. So, Reddit, AITA?

People were quick to keep it real with OP.

oxPsychoticHottie wrote:

YTA. Five times you tried to 'communicate,' and zero of them were in an adult way. Stop being a petulant child.

napoleon_1066 wrote:

YTA. I'm missing the part here where you politely asked them to be quiet. You were all snark and fire from the very beginning. I can't imagine why they didn't respect the wishes that you never actually articulated.

poweller65 wrote:

YTA. First you weren’t slightly passive-aggressive. You were completely passive-aggressive. You weren’t avoiding confrontation, you were creating it. You are the complete a**hole.

Use clear language “I would like a massage without conversation.” Instead, you choose the nuclear option and insulted them. Signals aren’t words. Next time you want a silent massage, either be clear up front or book a solo massage.

jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj wrote:

ESH. The masseuse for not being quiet after knowing the chatting was disturbing your massage. Your girlfriend's massage was being paid for by you and she must have known about your need to de-stress. She should have let you relax in peace.

This said, you could have simply and clearly asked for quiet, saying that you really need this chance to de-stress and relax in peace -- which is the whole reason you came here.

The passive-aggressiveness from the start set a negative tone that didn't need to be there at the start. The outburst at the end perhaps could have been rendered unnecessary by you if you had been firm and straightforward at the start.

They were taking the piss though. The masseuse was unprofessional and your GF was being an inconsiderate ingrate.

SpongeboobSquarebals wrote:

If you wanted silence why didn't you go alone? Why do you think everyone has to bend to what you want? YTA.

Apprehensive-Sir358 wrote:

Why is everyone saying YTA? How was the GF NOT an a-hole! She was deliberately ignoring OP’s requests for peace and relaxation and being rude and inconsiderate. Yeah, he didn’t go the best way about it and should have communicated better.

But I understand getting agitated when you’re stressed and someone is denying your rest by chatting away at a massage you paid for. ESH just because you snapped and told them to f off, otherwise would have been NTA.

After receiving a lot of critiques, OP jumped back on to give an update and more context.

We've been to couples massages dozens of times. The base expectation on all of them is that we both chill and it's silent, bar the odd 'are you ok' if someone makes a noise in pain.

GF had openly talked about how she was looking forward to me being able to relax post-meeting and that I deserve the massage after all the stress and work.

She's also gotten annoyed at me before for having a conversation with my massage therapist. I live in Asia. The word 'masseuse' doesn't have any negative connotations here so please don't take that phrase as derogatory.

Never heard phrases like LMT or massage therapist before. That's only used in a sports physio context where I am. No offense meant.

The zoo comment was referring to me. The bear who wants to hibernate. Plus, Singapore zoo is about 150m from where we were. It wasn't racist or aimed at anyone in that context.

After the comments, accept that I was totally OTT and should have said outright. Also took on board the comments around the nonverbal comms, particularly with the advice from those married for decades, and expecting her to know what I meant.

Apologized to GF and addressed that specific point about how I should have said it directly rather than a glance.

She told me that she knew what the first look meant, she confirmed it wasn't an aggressive look or anything and that she'd told masseuse that we'd prefer quiet and the masseuse ignored her.

That doesn't justify the subsequent escalation ofc but wanted to clarify that she understood and had said something as a lot of the comments are focusing on that point.

It seems abundantly clear that OP took a lot of the critiques to heart, but also, that his girlfriend did know his wishes all along.

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