Talking to family about boundaries can always get pretty awkward, especially when your ex-partner's mother has no idea that it's completely inappropriate to enter someone's home whenever you want just because you have a key...
However, when a mom decided to consult the internet's moral compass (Reddit's 'Am I the As*hole?) about a unique conflict she got into with her ex-husband's mother repeatedly violating her privacy and entering her home, people were quick to offer advice.
(This situation sounds like a messy nightmare, but this mother-in-law is so ridiculous she should probably have her own reality show).
My ex-husband and I have 2 sons (ages 3 and 6) and a daughter (10 months). We split up just over a year ago, and during proceedings he got 1 weekend a month with our sons, and no custody of our daughter. He has to drive to the house to get the boys on his weekends.
Because sometimes I'm on work calls or dealing with the baby, and the boys always forget things at my place, we agreed that he could keep his key to the house so he could run in and grab stuff or come get the boys without disturbing me/the baby.
2 months ago, I found my ex's mother in my living room, playing with my daughter. I asked her how she got in, and she said that ex had given her his key so she could pick up the boys for him. I told her that as ex is meant to be the only person collecting the boys, I'd rather ex came for them in future.
She said she understood and would relay my message, then took the boys to ex, and all was fine.
A month later, she just let herself into my home to pick up the boys again. I was a lot sterner this time, saying this was my home and she couldn't just let herself in.
She responded that this wasn't just my home, but also the home of her grandchildren and it used to be her son's home, too, and she has a key, so she shouldn't need to request my permission to enter.
When she left I called my boyfriend, who then said he'd pick up a front door lock and come over and fit it, if I wanted. I agreed, and within an hour the lock was changed and a latch was added.
On Sunday, someone started knocking rapidly and forcefully on the front door. I saw it was my ex's mother and she had my sons with her, so I let the boys in, and she began to tell me that her key wasn't working so she'd need a new one. I said her key wasn't working because I changed the locks, and she wouldn't be getting a new one.
She told me that I had to give my ex a new key so I might as well give it to her to give to him, and I refused, saying that clearly my ex can't be trusted with my key so he won't be getting one either.
Since this conversation, I have had non stop calls/messages from both my ex and his mother, saying I need to give one of them a key because them not having access to the house means having to rely on me to give them access, and that I am making things extraordinarily difficult for the both of them.
They say that they need to have a key for the reasons in the first paragraph, and I've said that they need to start letting me know when they'll be coming so I can let them in. They say that I am restricting access to the children as they'll now have to work to my schedule, but I checked and I'm well within my legal rights.
Morally, however, I am unsure because technically speaking I am restricting access to the kids, and making life harder for all of us over 2 incidents. AITA (Am I the As*hole?)
Short answer is that he doesn't want a daughter. Long answer is that technically this is meant to be a temporary arrangement and he's meant to have visitation and we amend it when she's a year or so old, but he's not used his visitation and has said he has no interest in amending the agreement and has no problem with me having full custody until she's 18.
I can see why he's your ex. You told her twice she could no longer just breeze into your home, to which she basically said, f*ck you.
If he wants access to the kids, he should stick to an agreed upon schedule. - CaliforniaJade
omg NTA (not the as*hole) at all. 'and it used to be her son's home, too' USED to, not anymore. I'm starting to get an idea why you divorced this guy. As long as you're within the law, if I were you, I wouldn't give af if it made things difficult for either of them.
They've abused the privilege and do not respect you whatsoever. Time to put up firm boundaries. Good for you for changing the locks and standing your ground. - SammyLoops1
Having 1 weekend a month with his boys does not mean he’s allowed 24/7 access to your home. You are not restricting access to the kids, but to your home. Your ex doesn’t live there anymore. He doesn’t get to just waltz in whenever he feels like it. - White_RavenZ
Not a chance in hell. He is your ex. That means he doesn't need unfettered access to your things. Especially if he is going to give the key to his mother who thinks her wants trump all your concerns. - ICWhatsNUruP
She NEVER had your permission to have that key. I would have called the cops the second time. She didn’t obtain the key from you or have permission so it’s breaking and entering and trespassing. - Nolan-358
you’re within your legal rights. Period. Your place. Your schedule is reasonable. She and he stepped out of bounds by continuing to enter your home without your permission. - armydillo007
Everyone agreed that this grandmother was completely out of line and violating the rights of her son's ex partner by entering her home without permission. Hopefully, she will understand the reason the locks were changed and learn a thing or two about respectful family boundaries. Good luck, everyone!